Jacob Deatrix in S**t, Here We Go Again

Jacob Deatrix's identity is exposed! And not for the first time, apparently.

It begins like always. With a man talking s**t. I’m at the grocery store, when there’s a man with a pistol robbing the store.

“GIVE THE MONEY, B***H!” Robber screams furiously.

I ignore him, and continue shopping. He smacks my non-purchased milk out of my hand, and this triggers me. I reflexively punch him in the throat, and he falls to the ground. Gasping for air. Everyone around me gasps. And I’m like “F**k, here we go again.”

“Who are you?” Awestruck Civilian asks nervously.

“Ummm… no one.” I say calmly.

I then continue grocery shopping while people stare at me. This was not a good idea. Eventually they start asking questions while I’m in the grocery aisle.

“How aren’t you dead?” they ask angrily.

“I didn’t get shot, that’s how.” I say annoyedly.

“Yes, you did.” they say nervously.

“F**K!” I curse furiously.

I look nervously at them, and they’re angry,

“Are you f*****g bulletproof?” they ask angrily.

“No.” I lie nervously.

One of them pulls out a gun, and I quickly snap my hand out to intercept the gun and smack it aside. I barely do it in time. I sigh with relief, only for another gun to shoot me in the neck. I yelp with pain, and smack the bullet off like the mosquito it is. 

“Ugh, I hate bullets.” I complain angrily.

They are stunned. I decide to take advantage of this and leave the frozen aisle. I arrive at the grocery lines, and find them empty with one cashier. I approach her and start putting my food on the line.

“Are you superhuman?” Cashier asks nervously.

“Yes.” I say calmly. “I mean, no I’m not!” I say with false certainty.

“But you’re f*****g bulletproof!” Cashier snaps angrily.

“That’s not true.” I lie nervously.

The Cashier pulls a gun out and shoots me in the face. The bullet smacks me in the forehead, stinging slightly. I sigh with pure annoyance.

“Why would you do that?” I ask angrily.

I peel the bullet off and flick it at the wall. Everyone gasps. 

“Huh, what happened?” I ask calmly.

“There’s a hole in the wall.” they say fearfully.

“Ah f**k, my superstrength. Sorry about that.” I say tiredly.

I yawn at this s**t. God, I’ve been through it a dozen times now.

Suddenly a man with a chainsaw bursts in!

“DIE, DEMON!” Chainsaw Man yells furiously.

They rush at me, and I quickly karate chop the chainsaw! It shatters into pieces! Then I catch the chainsaw’s broken chain, and whip it around the Former Chainsaw Man’s face. Then I pull on the chainsaw chain, and smash his head into a nearby counter. He is knocked unconscious by this blow, and falls to the ground like a ragdoll.

“Nice.” I say happily.

“Okay, how did you break that chainsaw?” they ask bluntly.

“I karate chopped it, god, quit asking so many questions.” I say angrily.

They gasp and back away from me. I’m confused until I realize they’re scared. I sigh, and leave the store. It sure does suck being so awesome sometimes. It’s truly a shame that I must be- OH MY GOD, IS THAT A SEMI TRUCK!? 

I try running from it normally but it literally follows me! I run faster and it keeps up! FUCKKKK!!! I have no choice. I crouch down slightly, and shoulder tackle the Semi Truck. It is forced to a halt by my sheer brute strength. I cause it to dent inward, and to screech to a halt. Then its backside must’ve been in the air as I hear a trailer hit the ground after a few seconds.

“Phew, thank god.” I say happily.

“What the f**k was that!?” they ask with shock and awe.

I turn to them, purely annoyed. Only to be shocked to find the crowd is now that of thirty people. I groan with pure annoyance. Then I point angrily at them.

“Don’t become obsessed with me.” I order angrily.

“F**k you, we’re not obsessed.” they say angrily.

“Better not be. I’m leaving now.” I say angrily.

“No, answer us. How are you alive?” they ask angrily.

“Cause I’m awesome.” I say angrily.

I get on my motorcycle, and begin driving away. I manage to reach the curb, and begin waiting for an opening to cross the street. However, I don’t get a chance to. They surround me. I sigh angrily.

“Where did you get the money for this bike?” they ask angrily.

“My badass adventure work.” I complain angrily.

I decide to say f**k it. I lift my motorcycle up over my head, cross the street on foot, set it down. Then I get on it and drive away. I manage to reach my home and get inside. Only for my girlfriend and her family to all be there, waiting for me.

“I can explain.” I say nervously.

“Since when did you have superpowers?” Samantha, my girlfriend, says bluntly.

“Ummm… since never?” I lie awkwardly.

It doesn’t work. Her brother pulls out a flamethrower. It’s a stupid Elon Musk one that he shoves in my face and fires. The flames wash over me uselessly. I karate chop the flamethrower, breaking it to pieces. Then my floor is on fire. I sigh, and use ice magic to put it out. I blow cold air on it. They all gasp and watch with horror as I did that. 

“How did you do that?” Samantha’s mom asks angrily. “Why is there snow?” 

“It was the first thing I thought of.” I say nervously.

“How did you get these powers?” Samantha asks nervously.

“I was born with them. And I got trained by a wizard.” I say calmly.

They all look at me fearfully. Then Samantha’s mom turns to her.

“Break up with this psycho immediately. For the love of God.” she says bluntly.

“Yeah, definitely.” Samantha says angrily.

They all then leave. I sigh sadly and watch them leave. After they’re gone, I fall to the ground. Crying my eyes out.

“Why am I too awesome to be loved?” I cry miserably.

One hour later, I’m smoking weed and trying to forget I had a girlfriend. I haven’t succeeded yet. It’s so annoying. 

Suddenly I hear the earth rumbling. Son of a b***h, I forgot her dad was a military general. He just called in a tank. I’m going to the basement.

Twenty minutes later, my house explodes due to a missile. But of course, I survived. But now I’m naked cause the missile burned my clothes off. Thankfully, I’m prepared for this. I hid a second change of clothes in a hole in the basement which I laid on top of. And they survived. F*****g sweet.

I am now wearing a pink tank top, and blue sweatpants. With black sneakers and no socks. I forgot my socks , apparently.

I jump out the basement, and find the tank in front of me.

“DIE, DEMON OF WAR!” the tank driver yells furiously.

“HI YAH!” I yell furiously.

I karate chop the tank, and it implodes on itself. It becomes a nexus of pure physical matter, otherwise known as a black hole due to how hard I karate chopped it.

“Ah f**k, I didn’t mean to do that.” I curse nervously.

“What the f**k was that?” Ex-Girlfriend’s Dad asks angrily.

I turn and see my Ex-Girlfriend’s Dad in his military uniform staring at me with anger, shock, and awe. I sigh annoyedly. Then I rush at him, and knock him out with a single punch. 

After this, I get on my motorcycle, and drive one town over. I bought a hotel for a night. And then my hotel mysteriously lost power, and then exploded. My somehow living body flew through the air, and landed across the street. I still had enough clothes on to get a new hotel, and I coincidentally landed outside a hotel. So I bought a hotel room, and went to bed. This hotel also exploded, so after this I gave up and slept under a bridge. But then the bridge collapsed on me due to explosives, But I pretended to die, so I was able to get a full night’s sleep.

After this, I dug a hole through the earth using super strength and vanished into the night. Following this, I traveled to another state. Where I now have a new identity of Sanchez Luigi. We will see how long this identity lasts.