How Jacob Deatrix Got Unbanned from Wally-World

A short comedy story about a badass getting unbanned from his local store after getting into too many fights. How does he get unbanned? Saving the President of Wally-World.

It began on a typical Tuesday. I had just won a fight. But it was too many street fights. Now the worst had happened. I was banned from every store in town. It was because I was too dangerous. And because I beat up an employee of every store at one point. Why, you ask? Well, believe me or not, but the truth is so many people are in gangs but somehow also have jobs. Now I know it’s hard to believe every person I beat up was a gangster, but it’s true.

Anyway, now I am sitting here in a house with almost no food. Scrolling through the internet, trying to find someone important to save. Specifically someone from a local store chain. Like Farm and Oats. Or Wally-World. 

I gasp as I find what I need! DEATH THREATS AGAINST THE PRESIDENT OF WALLY-WORLD! THAT’S WHERE I GET MY CAT FOOD AND GROCERIES FROM! Finally, it’s a lead to get what I need! Unbanned from a local store so I can stop driving a town over to shop.

Now I must investigate the Death Threats. According to this news article, the threats have been sent to the Police for analysis. I know what must be done. I must break into the Police Station, solve who sent the Death Threats, then beat them up. And then I will ask the President of Wally-World to unban me as my reward. It’s the perfect plan. Foolproof, even.

I exit my house, get on my sweet motorcycle, and drive into town. As I drive, my gas gauge hits a low point. F**k, if I don’t solve this soon. I’m gonna have to walk around town. And I barely haven’t lost my job yet.

I arrive at the Police Station. I park my motorcycle in the parking lot, and observe the Police Station. It’s basically a four story tall square that covers the length of a football field. But it is as wide as three houses. All the window shades are down, which sucks. I can’t use my sweet magic belt to teleport in. 

“Um, excuse me. Sir! Is that a katana on your back!?” A Police Officer yells angrily.

I tense up, my confidence shaken to its core. Why did I bring weapons to the Police Station? Now I’m so suspicious I can’t even stake out the Police Station.

“Alright, I recognize you. Jacob Deatrix, right? I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know this isn’t visiting hours. Go home before I arrest you for carrying weapons.” Police Officer says angrily.

I sigh, aggravated and relieved. I’m getting let off with a warning. I already pissed off society enough, so I just turn my motorcycle back on, and drive off.

“Stay out of trouble!” Police Officer yells firmly.

“Yes, sir.” I say dully.

I am already lying, but whatever.

Alright, twenty minutes later. I’m back home with no leads. However, I am now seeing if the President of Wally-World is doing something that might leave him in a vulnerable position. And I see there is a press conference for his Company being held this Tuesday at my local Wally-World Headquarters. Perfectly convenient for me to save the day.

Again, I leave my home on my sweet motorcycle and arrive at the local Wally-World. It isn’t long until a limousine appears. An older man with balding black hair steps out of the limo. Perfect. It’s the guy I need.

Even better, for me at least. A mob of angry townsfolk appear armed with torches and- Oh f**k, that’s a gun. That’s like 5 guns. Jeez, what did he do to make them so mad?

Flashback to two weeks ago…

“People of Dumbsville, I am going to increase prices on everything by 25% for the Greater Good. And to solve cancer.” President of Wally-World says smugly.

Back to the Present.

The President of Wally-World is being held at gunpoint by the mob! Oh no! I begin driving my motorcycle into the mob!

Meanwhile, the President of Wally-World addresses the mob.

“I understand you’re all angry cause you’re poor. But this is no excuse to assault me. Now, let me go inside so I can order my employees to lick my toes.” he says with smug calm.

I gag at those words, causing me to turn sharply left out of reflex and crashing into a car behind the mob. Then I fly over a car, and crash into someone’s sedan windshield.

“OH NO! IT’S THAT A*****E!” Angry Mob Member 1 yells angrily.

“Who cares? I bet he’s helping us.” Angry Mob Member 2 says annoyedly.

I stand up, brushing shards of glass off my sick black trenchcoat. Then I flip off the crowd with both hands.

“Nope, I’m here to save the President and get unbanned from Wally-World!” I say happily.

The Mob gasps, then starts firing at me! 

“YOU B*****S!” I curse angrily.

I quickly draw my katana, then I cut to shreds all the bullets fired at me. Meanwhile, the President of Wally-World starts walking away. I have to end this quickly, or else he won’t unban me.

I begin walking forward as I cut bullets apart. Within twenty seconds, I’m within range. But I don’t want to murder people. That’ll mean I’ll still be banned. Probably. So instead, I punch the first man I reach in the throat. And he falls to the ground, gagging. Next, I karate chop a woman with a knife that sends her reeling to the ground with a broken shoulder. Finally, I unleash my Warrior Rage with a manly roar. This terrifies everyone around me, including the President of Wally-World, into having heart attacks.

They all fall to their knees, clutching their chests. While the President of Wally-World simply eats a hundred dollar bill. And is suddenly fine again. Strange. But whatever. I approach the President.

“Mr.President of Wally-World, I have saved you from that mob. Will you hear my request? It is extremely easy for you to accomplish as thanks for this.” I say, serious and proud.

The President looks me up and down. And clicks his tongue annoyedly.

“Kiss my big toe. And I will unban you from my stores.” He says with disdain.

I gasp, shocked and disgusted.

“What, no! I saved you, just unban me. Don’t be weird!” I snap angrily.

The President of Wally-World takes off his shoe. I kick his hand with my foot, and yell at him.

“I will beat your a*s if you keep trying to make me suck your toes!” I yell furiously.

The President rolls his eyes.

“Fine. You don’t have to suck my toes. Congratulations, you’re unbanned. Now do some shopping.” he says bitterly.

I pump my fist happily. And enter the store. Grab a cart. Buy some sushi and cat food. And go home happy.

Life is good when you’re a badass.

However, the news was weird the next day. They claimed I was never banned from Wally-World. But clearly I was. I remember they yelled at me the last time I tried going there. It must be some capitalist bullshit so they still look good while I look crazy. Probably some bullshit cause I wouldn’t suck that guy’s toes. F*****g weirdo.