Trial Groupie

My account of the Casey Anthony Trial; nothing about the case, just the lunatics who attended.

Don't worry, this is not a political, “I know what really happened” kind of blog. I have had enough of those as I am sure you have too. This is about my experience in a crowd of fanatical Casey Anthony trial groupies. You know, the bat s**t crazy people. 

Ok a little background for the 4% of the population who didn't follow the Casey trial. Here is my quick summary.

Casey is a lunatic mom who allegedly killed her daughter Caylee back in 2008. She of course denied it and made up all of these fictional characters to help play out her alibi and charade. There are a handful of cartoon-like characters in this story including her parents, bounty hunters, lawyers, meter readers, police officers, and shot girls. Media suckled the teat of this case for years, highlighting the twists and turns of a crazy and very popular trial. But the insanity was not lost all in Casey. It was the people, the groupies who made the situation all the more insane. 

I was truly fascinated by all the people who in turn, were truly fascinated with the trial. Ok rephrase:  The crazies who were literally dry humping the courthouse in hopes of scoring a seat in the trial. People waiting in line for hours and hours to sit in court. Angry moms with picketing signs, unemployed media vultures...complete wack jobs. Basically, the court allowed 50 people per day to sit in the courtroom with the media. The catch was, they gave the free tickets out at 8am. Well, not only did people camp out all night to get them, but the vagabonds and drunks of the evening would stumble into line after engaging in Downtown Orlando nightlife. Eventually a tatted up blonde troll girl decked some fat dude in the face repeatedly after he put her friend in a chokehold...all over a spot in line, deeming Orlando residents to be garbage pail kids in addition to baby murderers. It was all over the news. So the courthouse changed the policy. Tickets were given out at 4pm the day before, and you couldn't line up until 8am. The next day you would show your id to get the ticket. What was wrong with these people? This wasn't a Justin Bieber concert, it was a murder trial.

I decided to become a Casey Anthony Trial groupie.

It was Sunday night and  Amanda and I decided on the phone that we would go. Amanda wanted justice, and I wanted to meet weirdos.

On the Phone:

Jacki: Amanda, this is war! There will be crazy people everywhere, we need to be prepared!

Amanda: Right, I will bring snacks, ooh and we should bring chairs.

Jacki: I am bringing the stink bombs

Amanda: You can't do that, the cops will arrest you.

Jacki: Amanda I am bringing them, no one will know. Just be here no later then 7:15, we can't be late!!

Stink bombs were my favorite. You can get 3 in a pack for a buck at the dollar store. Its a packet you squeeze and it slowly blows up emitting a terrible stench, most likely comparable to the “smell of decomposition” in the trunk of Casey's Pontiac Sunfire. Let's just say, if you wanted a crowd to clear in a hurry, a stink bomb was the best solution. 

Amanda showed up at my place on time. I was still a nervous wreck, worried that we would be too late and miss a spot in line! I yelled at her to speed up and she assured me we would be there in time. We arrived at the Orange County Courthouse. People were scattered about in the courtyard. Some were chatting, sitting and a several were lined up.

Jacki: Is this the line for the trial?

Cop: That line is for today and that line is for tickets tomorrow.

Jacki: Fantastic, thanks

Cop: It’s going to be a hot day you know

Jacki: Sir you can not deter me from the trial of the century! 

Cop: (Eye roll) Is that your friend, no chairs are allowed

Jacki: The little one there, never seen her.

Amanda tossed the chairs and jumped in line like a giddy school girl with a whole new set of pencils. She started chatting it up with all the other trial groupies.

Amanda: She is so guilty! What is wrong with that Baez...I know right!? Have you been before? We just got here. Have you seen Judge Perry walk in? How tall do you think the courthouse is?

Jacki: Amanda, do NOT get too friendly. A few allies is ok, but these people will cut you!

Amanda: I believe there is good in people.

Jacki: Tell that to the human punching bag who cut in line last week.

It was a humorous site. People began to trickle in behind us, anxious to get a spot. It was like a bunch of hoodlums were in line for a night club at 8am in the morning. 

Amanda: Wow, we are the best looking people here, we should get in first!

Jacki: Show them your tits Amanda!

Amanda started shaking her jugs all around.

Jacki: Ok stop, no really stop now, the cop is looking.

You could just tell that the police and people conducting business were making fun of us internally, as I was doing the same. Suddenly, a googly stork of a man with buck teeth, a McDonald's ice coffee, and a binder runs up frantically to the cop. They argue a bit and he angrily walks away in a huff and gets in line. I eavesdrop. He is mad because he is late to get a ticket for the day, waited in line all day yesterday and was only a half hour behind.

Bucktooth: It's sooo ridiculous I mean, like, I was not that late.

Jacki: Maybe you shouldn't have made the McDonald’s run then, ay d****e?

Amanda: Shh, your loud.

Bucktooth planted himself by a pole at the end of our line in the shade, and the next clan of cackling blondes coming in were forced to line in the sun. They were super annoying. One had a kid and was parading him around the line. 

Amanda: Who brings their kid to this?

Jacki: Its a ploy! She's using him as a conduit for sympathy to get her in the shade!

Amanda: Those girls are so annoying

Jacki: Duck tape?

Amanda: Ugh I am going to use the restroom

Jacki: WHAT? Are you a fool, your spot will get jacked!

Amanda: The people by us don't care, other people are leaving. Do you want me to pee myself?

Jacki: Use this water bottle. There is a bush right here.

Amanda: I have to go.

Amanda left and I began to grind my teeth and glare in case anyone tried to jump in her spot. To my surprise, the people of the shade were very nice and came to a pee agreement. The mom and girls behind me provided a perfect audience as I discussed Bucktooth and the people of the sun, and the couple in front of us were also very nice. As I sat there I began to notice several good looking guys in suits walking by. I made eye contact with one and tried to pretend I wasn't in line. I leaned against a pole and smiled just as a crazy man walked by and shouted “you people are lame.” Fail.

Amanda returned and we discussed our dress preparation plans for court. I explained to her that I would be wearing a blazer, slacks, glasses and bring a briefcase.

Jacki: I want to look legal.

Amanda: You can borrow my glasses, what blazer are you talking about?

Jacki: I went through a blazer phase once when I was in radio, bought like 4 of them. 

Bebe and Calvin Klein, very sheik.

Amanda: I have a blouse I can wear.

Jacki: Blazers, and blouses and slacks. Oh my. We should also wear pumps! Hahaha.

Amanda: Hahaha

Jacki: We also need to practice our facial expressions. We can't laugh you know, we have to be serious. This is hard work for me.

Amanda: I know, they will kick us out. Lets get out the giggles now

Jacki: HAHAHAHHAHHAHA

Amanda: AHAHHAHAHHAHA

Our laughter was cut short as the next social atrocity arrived. In walked the Rock-a-day Johnny. He had slicked back greasy blonde hair, a mess of blonde fungus surrounding his mouth, popped collar on his tucked in Sergio Tacchini polo, a giant gaudy metal arm band and blue blockers around the back of his neck. This guys pants were hiked so high, his balls must have been glued to his stomach. He was yelling and screaming about not getting a ticket for the day and making rounds to everyone in line. He started slobbering and talking at Amanda, and I firmly grasped the stink bomb wanting terribly to let it rip. He finally crossed over to the people of the sun where he fit in perfectly.

The turf war began. Court let out early due to the lawyers not being prepared, and all those who waited in line on Saturday for the days tickets were screwed. They all rushed to the back of the line in sun, hoping to be one of the 50 for tomorrow. The shady folks were a calm, serene, peaceful clan, playing card games and chatting quietly. The people of the sun were bitching, moaning and vying for the attention of the media. If anyone walked by with a camera they would flock over to them. Amanda and I hid.

Amanda: I don't want people to know i'm here

Jacki: Me either, I don't have my blazer on yet

Amanda: Ugh they keep coming over to us peaceful shady folk

Jacki: I don't blame them, look at these fools in the sun! They are having 5 minutes of fame competitions with the camera. I bet any one of them would take a full fist up the a*s for 5 minutes on HLN.

Amanda: Gross!

It was true. Some famous dude from HLN was there interviewing and cameras from all news stations began to flood in. I wanted so badly to do an interview with my grill in my mouth but remembered I left it with Ameena on her wedding day. So instead I decided to take notes on the idiocy of my fellow groupies.

Amanda: AHH these camera men won't leave, I am ducking.

Jacki: Is this guy seriously filming me writing right now?

Lady next to me: He is zooming in on what you are writing!

I started writing, “ This Jack A*s Camera Man is going to get kicked in the balls for reading this”

The cameraman left. I was told later that it aired on TV. Me writing and Amanda hiding under a bag of chips. My butt was getting numb and I needed a beer. The day was going by fast but beer would have been such a delight. We should have risked the flasks. Bucktooth had been gone a while and we all assumed he left in a huff, instead he returned two hours later with a new shirt and box of pizza. Good thing he was on the shady side, the sun clique would have kicked his a*s and ate his pizza.

Amanda: I can't believe we are going to the trial of the century! I am going to DVR it tomorrow.

Jacki: I can't believe I forgot to order a DVR with my cable when I got back from tour, I will have to hook up my 1980's VCR. 

Amanda: I Phone, Mac, I Robot,  yet you still have a VCR, haha.

Jacki: Porn Amanda. The answer is 80's porn.

Some dude came up and tried to buy our spot in line. Amanda said she'd do it for $500 bucks, but didn't think he had the cash or a clean shirt. A spanish news chick who work s on Nancy Grace shows up and all the clowns start to juggle. Rock-a-day Johnny bum rushed the lady and nervously combed his greased mullet with his fingers. She tells him she has already interviewed him 8 times but thanks for asking. What a stooge.  She walks over to Amanda and I and we both hide again under Bucktooth's old Pizza box. Bucktooth is talking to her now and I see him pull out some paper from his binder.

Amanda: Oh my god do you see that??

Jacki: What the hell is it?

Amanda: Tickets! He has 14 tickets from the trial!

It was true. My eyes widened as I feasted them upon literally 14 trial tickets this man has put into a Casey Anthony scrapbook! I had to see it. I had to see the weeks that this bucktoothed stork has dedicated to standing in this very line. He had photos of himself sitting behind George Anthony, photos of the lawyers, Casey, and even a collage with everyones face on it. This was the type of man with a doll collection. This was the type of man who's basement cork board is filled with news articles, woman's driver licenses, fingernail clippings, and collages of ladies under garments. 

Jacki: Amanda, give this back and don't make any more discussion!

An older fat woman with a bedazzled Gucci shirt came over to the shady side for a bit to complain about the heat.

FatGucci: Sir, its so hot. Can't we line up in here? I mean we could dehydrate out there.

Cop:M’aam its your choice to be here, you can stay or go.

FatGucci: Uhh well I just think you should do something for us out there

Nice couple in front of me: You can borrow our umbrella if you want

FatGucci: Oh thank you I will

Jacki: You two are way too nice, that lady was a b***h

Nice couple: It’s ok we don't need it

The couple was super nice. The told me how they are in a band and he works at TGI Fridays and loves Transformers the movie. Later on, on another day towards the end of the trial, I saw him again on the news. This time he had flicked off the camera and was being sentenced to a $400 fine and jail time. Yep that was the same guy. My nice umbrella friend. Arrested for flipping the bird.

An older black woman approached us and asked what was going on.

Amanda: Its for the Casey Anthony trial, we are waiting for tickets to come tomorrow.

The woman shook her head in disapproval.

Jacki: Yeah, she shakes her head now, but wait till Dionne Warwick comes to town. Well see who's waiting for hours in line then!

Amanda was getting irritated fast. Wheelchair chick was rolling around all morning. She was a sun person yet she kept rolling around our shady turf. Amanda, believing in the good of people, did not see any good in Wheelchair Chick.

Amanda: Look at her rolling around. Just because she is handicapped, she thinks she can roll wherever she wants!

Jacki: She probably isn't, just another ruse to get ahead in line. A guaranteed sympathy slot.

Amanda: I want to punch her

Jacki: Thats the spirit!

The end was near, we had made it! A random man collected a crowd as he shouted loud obscenities at the courthouse. Not sure what it was about, perhaps a parking ticket. Amanda tried to mediate the situation by shouting back. 7 hours we sat, yet it seemed like only a mere few. Our shady side had bonded, like a family. So many fools and idiots to watch, I could have sat a day longer. Our courthouse official buddy came to us with news that we would soon be registered for our ticket. Amanda made to sure to point out to him that Wheelchair Chick was wheeling on thin ice and needed to move back.  A large nerd with a unibrow paced back and forth trying to organize the line, like he was in charge.

Jacki: This is it, we are officially trial groupies Amanda!

Amanda: I know!!!

Jacki: Just two gals with a taste for justice! I feel like we are doing something important for the people

Amanda: Yeah, not sure we are

Jacki: We are, somehow. We are serving our country somehow

Amanda: Whatever you say

Then, out of nowhere, an asian girl on a bicycle rides by the line and screams “Obey Jesus!” and then crashes into Wheelchair Chick.

Jacki: (laughing uncontrollably) Oh my god, we just got hit with an Asian Roll-By!

Amanda: That was hilarious!!

It had to have been a top 20 funniest sightings in Jacki G history. I couldn’t have made it up if I tried.

We made our way to the end of the line and noticed the sun people frantically trying to get their spot back in hopes to be one of the top 50 people. They were so busy being media w****s they were scattered all over.

Jacki: Ok Amanda, once you get your ticket we do it ok?

Amanda: Ok I am ready

We finally exited and in unison screamed... “There's Nancy Grace!”  and then ran while the pandemonium began.

Jacki: Can I drop the stink bomb now?

Amanda: Fine.

THE AFTERMATH ( Day of the Trial)

Ok so the trial day was not nearly as exciting as the day before. It was cool to be in the courtroom, make small talk with some of the lawyers, see unreleased video, see the jurors , and watch Amanda get in trouble for almost falling asleep, but most of the time it was fighting off laughter and lots of talk about DNA. I used to wonder how people could wait in line all those hours and fall asleep during the trial, but those lights are so dim and DNA is so boring. Now I see.

Bucktooth made it on time, bypassing McDonald's and sat with his scrapbook in front of George Anthony again. I stayed far away and did not make eye contact.

Rock-a-day Johnny wore the exact same outfit as the day before just as he did the 3 other times I saw him on TV later.

Amanda walked to lunch with the judge claiming they were friends now, a truly proud moment for her

Wheelchair Chick got a prime seat and Amanda scowled at her all day, earning her another warning from police

Nice couple had a great time in court not knowing the next time they came back, the guy would go to jail for flicking off the camera.

Unibrow's brow got its own talk show

I tried on my 4 designer blazers and was saddened that none of them fit, but got a prime spot on camera all day

Oh and Casey Anthony? She got away with murder, and Nancy Grace's head exploded.

Author's Note

If you want more, check out www.jackigiardina.com, where you can read more blogs and my book Jacki G's Fake Wedding. Now available at Amazon.com!

Reviews

[K.M. Lucero]

This was really fun to read. I am going to check out your site and follow you blog