A mother's importance

This was a survey conducted on a small group of men asking them about their coming of age. Their mother's had an incredible impact and thus the story became theirs.

It is a curious question to understand, what characteristics shape individuals into the adults they become. And so I set off in search of an answer. I am a woman and understand a general female’s perspective; therefore, I chose men to interview. I asked one question. What do you remember about becoming a man? I wanted to hear any memory they might have about this transition period. Some of these men hid behind their jokes others came out and spoke their minds. Each man was assigned an alternative name to keep what little unexposed identity remained, hidden.

The first man interviewed was attractive with dirty blonde hair, a clean-shaven face and easily forgotten eyes. His strong jaw and voice are what you remember from him. He is intelligent, stylistic but not unique in clothing choice, egotistical when having forgotten his manners, but honest. He is Serbian, 23 years old and devoted to his mother, although he won’t admit it. He manicures himself and will hold a conversation with you about hair products, which to buy, which to avoid. He works hard and has the toys to prove it. His time is spent working in a cancer research lab, coaching soccer for a big-ten college campus woman’s team, watching movies on his laptop or playing an Xbox.

Do not assume that by my description of this man that he fits into a categorical mold. He is distinctive enough to have earned respect from others, and thinks for himself. What I enjoy most of his personality is that, if you’re fortunate enough to have a challenging topic he will engage in a scintillating conversation with you.

When this conversation began he had a plate of food on it consisting of a most interesting combination of ingredients. Whole green onions, a dollop of sour cream on the side, half a corn-on-the-cob, two slices of pizza, and a sandwich of turkey, cream cheese, ketchup and Parmesan. Through bites he talked, and occasionally I would interrupt and ask an additional question. I tried to assume the role of note taker only. I did not want to shape the conversation in any way.

 

Ryan’s answer

 

His mother had the most influential hand in shaping him. She would call him a “big man”, and tell him things such as, “You must go to your neighbor’s social gatherings (i.e. weddings, birthdays, etc…). If you don’t go, who will come to yours?” He learned that the small details are necessary to become a man. You need your own respect. You can’t be cheap. You have to go out of your way to help others. His idea of a man is one that is strong, physically, emotionally and financially.

As a child he felt inconvenienced by required responsibilities and reciprocity. It wasn’t until he was older that he felt a sense of accomplishment and pride in taking care of the necessities. “Helping became more fulfilling.”

During this questioning I began to wonder would Ryan still give if it weren’t required of him? I asked him, “Isn’t it better to want to do something instead of having an obligation?” He never answered my question but rather finished our conversation by saying, “living like this, helps to secure personal honor”.

 

A conversation between three men

 

After my tête-à-tête with Ryan I felt inspired to interview more men. I thought this project was well worth the time and energy. I didn’t have any sort of criteria designed for the men being interviewed. If you were a man and gave me a moment, that was enough. A few weeks passed before I found the next group. It was a good friend, I’ll call her Marie, which brought me three more men. I say, “brought” because, on this particular day Marie was defending her master’s thesis, and the men having come to support her during this journey were mine for a conversation.

Standing in front of me were men rather diverse in character, personality, and manner. Each hailed from the great city of Chicago, Illinois. Each was comfortable with the man they had become.

The first I knew from a more intimate nature. He was the darkest of the three. He wears glasses with a nose pad missing, shaves his head bare to hide the heritable balding genes in his family, attires urban clothing but easily overlooks the spilled coffee stains or deodorant on his shirts. His laugh is humble, his eyes are soft and compassionate; a child could get away with murder, as he is unable to say no to a cute face. He is incapable of raising his voice in an argument and venerates his mother’s every thought. He is very well learned, tries to verse himself with as many subjects as possible, and has earned a PhD working with biosensors in a research-1 academy. He is a Man in every respectful nature that the word demands. And as a finishing thought to his description, you can find him devoutly attending to his Lord in church every Sunday morning. We agreed to call him Willis for this piece.

Marie emotionally cherishes the second man. He too, is an African American male, however, more of a “light-skinned brother”. During this conversation he wished for the name Frank.

Frank’s character is one of contradictions. He reminds me of night and day. His intentions are well deserving and I know he believes in what he says, but when he preaches against racism then calls one of his dwags, n***a, it creates a dichotomy that questions his true intent. His preferred profession is as an educator specializing in political science/history. He maintains a strong work ethic and believes in breaking his back to achieve success. He is highly attentive to his looks and behavior as they are displayed to the world. He holds his head high, but can remember when to take less than what is deserving of him. He has a most infectious personality and the majority of his upper torso is decorated in tattoos. He speaks easily and with a hint of clarity that is both ornate and articulated enough to illustrate his educational achievements. He knows how to love others but, at times, forgets how to accept love from others.

The third man entertained me more because of his background. He is a 35-year-old gay man, whose life partner unexpectedly passed away. He stands tall with large muscular arms and houses a stomach that shows his delightful appetite for food. His Puerto Rican bloodline has dyed his skin a rich caramel color. He speaks softly with a lisp but not as a woman, cleanly shaves his face, and taught his niece, Marie, Latin dancing. He walks gracefully in a light step. He isn’t flamboyant, yet embraces his lifestyle. Because I liked the way it sounds and he laughed with it, he is called Tio (Spanish for Uncle).

 

A three-way answer

 

Each man has gained his unique understanding of maturity through different vectors. At 9-years-old Willis latched onto his Judo instructor after his father passed away. It was at this time that his mother began to call him the man of the house. It was his mentor that taught him practice, practice, practice. He learned to become a man hearing, “The most important thing you could do is to strive for excellence.” He was taught to never turn his eye when speaking, and to continually repair his mind and body. His mentor’s instructions taught him to take pride in who he is “regardless of circumstance”; but, it was his mother that helped him to take comfort in the individual he was to become.

Tio had a completely different perspective toward the question. The most significant event he could recall were the difficulties in being gay in a Hispanic community. He found mentorship and guidance in friends, not family. He learned, through the help and support of other gay men, to hold his head high and make his life, his own.

Frank decided to play with my ear. Being the effusive individual he casually finds himself to be, he began with these axioms, “Always be your own person. Do what makes you, you, and stay true to yourself. Always be teachable, willing to learn, and when you don’t know (something), ask. Humbleness gets you further than arrogance. Understand others (people and their cultural motivations) versus passing judgment. Avoid ignorance, and seek understanding in all things. Learn why you don’t like something versus just saying ‘I don’t like it.’ Give a refined position about why you don’t like it.”

These words with such deeply rooted wisdom were poured into this man as a child, causing Frank to hate the instruction. He was irritated that while others learned how to “live in the hood’ he was being taught to overcome the hood.

One of these philosophies cultivated within him an appreciation for jazz. He saw how the music shapes black men; it is the expressive abilities that stimulate thought and change and allow fellowship with a neighbor. It was these small opportunities he was given that created the man today.

The discussion ended with a thought each man agreed upon. “Take pride in your appearance. It speaks volumes into who you are and how you were raised.” They each learned that it is important to dress not to impress but for your own self worth. And I believe had Ryan taken part in this conversation he would have shared this sentiment.

In the end these dialogues became a lesson for me. I saw in each man an inimitable message. Ryan wrestles to find respect. He works incredibly hard, laboring his mind and body to earn this. He believes respect makes the man. Willis struggles to find a balance in his actions. He strives for excellence because this is the key for a successful man; although while creating this balance, disequilibria exists as the scales tip in either direction. Tio challenges his community into accepting him. He has seen a man becomes a man, when he finds patience with others. And finally, Frank continually improves upon his image. In his eyes, men require understanding of others to achieve their maturity.

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

This is a fascinating write. A great standalone study of characters and values or a jumping off point for further dialogue/development inclusion in a larger piece of work either fiction or non fiction. Although it was an interview of sorts - it wasn't dry but it was rich in description - the men were fleshed out - they were interesting. They held my attention and I wanted to know more about them.
Wonderfully penned.

[Jack V.]

Thanks TL. Not sure it belongs with the collection I've been working on but I wanted to include it.

[An owl on the moon]

You really bring some a depth to life and experience.

[Jack V.]

Thank you.

[Sami Khalil]

A splendid read and write...Thank you for sharing...:)

[Jack V.]

Thank you for reading :) It's greatly appreciated.

[Sami Khalil]

My pleasure. I do prefer poem so if you write a poem please send me a read request...:)

[Jack V.]

Actually, I'm a solo flying short story kind of a gal. Some of writing seems a bit poetic. I'll comb through it and send it your way. Thanks.

[Sami Khalil]

I'm just being honest. You are welcome...:)