What lies dorment

Chapter 1 Dick awakens to find himself struggling to hold on to life. He recollects the decisions that brought forth this reality

Gritty, Chauvinistic, Masochistic and Self-Actualizing:

A sticky situation, I’m bleeding from all over.  Not like a swift flowing river, but a slow sap like trickle.  Most of the discomfort is from my neck, but my body’s pulsing.  Not quite sure what she did, she moved so quickly.  I saw her, Saw a flash, felt pain, saw another flash, felt some more pain, saw her again and then Boom, I’m lying here in some back alley.    

Caught up in some Bull s**t yet again.  Can’t say it’s the first time and it probably won’t be the last. 

I always felt it would end like this.  --Me in some low life alley, leaking my life out through the neck.  I just didn’t think it’d happen like this.  Bombarded, overpowered, outwitted and  by of all people:  a B***h.  And not B***h in the sense of a coward, I mean b***h with all the implications of the rage and fury only a slighted woman could bring. 

I’m goin’ in and out of it.  I can feel the ebb and flow of consciousness; slowly pulling back and forth like the moons retraction of the tide.  I can pull it together.  I will pull it together.  Die here?  Me?  No I can’t.

“Looks like you could use a little help buddy.”  A sarcastic bum, Great!  --Just what I need.  The reek of mayonnaise and cod oil is enough to keep me in focus.

 “Hey there fella’.  Can ya hear me?”  I don’t even have the strength to respond.  If you’re gonna’ rob me, rob me a*****e and let me be.  The last thing I want is this lowlife of a human being to be the last image I see before death. 

“Don’t mind if I do,” he says.  He begins fluffing my pockets.  Well I guess the little coins that I do have won’t be necessary anyway.  Go head --take it, scum bag.  Money comes -- money goes.   As long as you keep your grubby paws off my baby, my sweetheart, my blade--Big Shirley. 

“ooh, what do we have here?  Looky looky a nice lil’ dagger.”  Keep your mitts off Big Shirley-- you a*****e.  She’s fucked many but she’s remains loyal to me.  She’s my bottom Betty. 

“How bout me, slice your throat and put ye out cha’ misery.  What’s that?  Me can’t here you, cat’s gotcha tongue? ” I guess it’s some what poetic in a sense, being put down with the same instrument I’ve used to put so many others down with.

 “Nah, I won’t do that, these coins’ll do and I’ll take ya lil doggies too.  Besides you’ve had a long enough day.  That lil’ lady gave you the time of yer life.  You know.  Well of course ye know, look at cha.  Looks like you met quite the wreckage.”  He leaves, and places the dagger on my chest. 

I’m in this alley, and the moon light is all the peace and cover I have.  Dying isn’t as bad as I once thought it’d be.  It isn’t peaceful, it isn’t pleasant, it’s a sort of a chaotic quiet feeling.  It just feels like a change is coming, a change that I have no say in. There are just so many questions that I want answered.  Like who was she?  She wasn’t like any other I’ve met.  I mean, my intuition told me something wasn’t right about the situation.  Let me recount.

 

 

We had a call to meeting.  Thompson, a guy who gives me the creeps, offered me a job.  I don’t ask questions, I could use the coinage, being homeless isn’t the charm I thought it’d be..  Thompson said I’d get a chance to familiarize myself with the others who’ll be working on the job.  We met underneath the abandoned bridge, on the south side of the railroad tracks, in that old abandoned box factory.  Cliché’�"I know.

“What’s ya name kid?”

 “Oh, me?” 

“No the other new guy, who I haven’t ever seen before in my life.”  I guess I asked for that one.  For some reason I’m a little nervous.  I don’t know why, this isn’t my first job.  But this is my first time working with this unit, and for the big boss.  This one job could get me closer, to the organization who fucked over my family.   

“Dick, uh… Dick NcUms, Nick…  Ums…” 

“Ok Dick Dick NcUms, you don’t talk much do yous?”  I guess I had that one coming to, with that cheesy superhero James Bond introduction.

“The names Lurch.”  Lurch was a big sum-ma-mabitch.  He was a six foot seven inch mass of portly man.  He had very broad shoulders, but a very lazy posture.  Moved slow and talked even slower.  He was a pig face white guy, with pig colored flesh, and even had a tattoo of a smiling pig on his neck.  In fact all the guys here had a variation of the porcine creature tattooed, somewhere on there flesh. 

“This here is Peanutbutter.” He motioned toward a diminutive impression of a man, had the build of a twelve year old girl.  Kind of guy who’d put really big tires, on a really big truck, and make the truck sound really loud.

“Sup, Cums.  Don’t be so nervous… relax, you’d think this is your first job,” spouted Peanutbutter.

 Cums… Cute…

 “You wanna know why they call em’ Peanutbutter?” said Lurch.

  “Cause he smears peanut butter on his nuts and lets his mutts lick it off,” said Meach. 

“Shut the f**k up Meach!  Can’t you be serious for just once.  We’re getting ready to get into some serious s**t, and you’re crackin’ jokes,” said Peanutbutter.

 “So it was ok for you to call the mate Cums but when I go in about you smearin’ the peanutbutter on ya juice-sack, which is true by the way, you flake,” replied Meach.

These guys are quite the bunch aren’t they…  Wouldn’t be my optimal choice for a unit, but a job’s a job.  Peanutbutter , he’s a lil’ f****r.  Comes up to my arm pit.  Has a charcoal colored Mohawk, and is wearing this weird outfit.  It looks a lot like the lead singer from Cameo, except the bulge in his pants is inhumanly large.  --Little guy complex.  And Meach, he’s a well put together chap.  In his mid- thirties, looks like he hits the gym on a regular basis�"clean cut, very neat.  If I had to guess, his weapon of choice is the desert eagle. Typical Tool, what else would he choose. 

“So Cums, where ya from,” said Peanutbutter with a friendly demeanor.  “Mute?  You seem the loner type.  You know you really ought think bout settling down.  You wouldn’t think it but me have four little munchkins of me own.”  He then pulls out some wallet photos of the tikes.  --Kinda cute, but I was told there would be total anonymity.  “Yah, four kids, two mothers’ all the children are within 11 months of each other.  This occupation has privileged me to set up trust funds for them all.  College paid for and all, it’s a real reassuring feeling.  The moms thinks me a club promoter on the account me always out so late and leave in these fancy suits.  But, I dunno Cums, It’s something bout the mayhem.  It just calls you, you know?”  Why is he telling me this?  “It just makes ye feel alive.  It juggles the marbles, it just get ye all Jacked.�"A connection.  I guess it’s the connection.  That’s what we have Cums, whether you see it now or see it later, we’re brothers in chaos.”

“Straighten up!”  Said Lurch in a stanch tone.  “Here comes Thompson.” 

Now Thompson is the head man in charge.  He’s the guy who brought me aboard.  He’s your typical man in charge, carries himself with an air of distinction--never waste a word.  His grey hair compliments his stoic demeanor with just the right touch.  He stands probably five feet and ten inches, and demands respect with every breath he takes.  He still gives me the creeps, I don’t know if it’s the mustache or what.

“Listen up guys.  I take it by now; you’ve all met the new meat.”  Yah I figured that get a snicker out of Peanutbutter.  “Is there something amusing  Nuts?” 

“No sir.” 

“Good, as I was saying.  I’m sure you all have had adequate enough time to make yourselves acquainted with the new guy.  In case you haven’t, here’s his file.  His code name is Dick NcUms.  He’s an unorthodox son-na-nabitch.  Pardon the expression.  He comes from money, but appears to loathe the very privilege and convenience associated with it.  At 18, he was removed from his estate because he refused to continue the family legacy and shortly thereafter was denounced by his father.  Subsequently, he traveled the world and wound up in a Northern Chinese detainment camp.  There he ran into and befriended members of a shadow, assassin organization.  He set up an allegiance with the group, ultimately working out a deal that resulted in the funding of there organization in return he was to receive unlimited access to the resources of the organization.  Well you can see how this would be quite the hurdle, keeping in mind he was black balled by his father.  Being the sole heir of the estate, the sick F**k offered the assassins the head of his father.  This fine gentleman voluntarily gave them the entire estate in return for an in depth training in their esoteric dark martial arts.”

It wasn’t voluntary…

“I don’t mean to interrupt sir, but how’d you find em’?” 

“Great questions Nuts, he was homeless,” retorted Thompson.   

“Homeless?  So Cums goes from the life of a billionaire, to prison to homeless, yikes when it rains it pours huh?” 

“So we’re to team up with this guy, he killed his own Pa.  His own Pa!” said Meach. “I love my pa, and rest in peace I’d take a bullet to see me Pa’s smile again.  And what kinda name is Dick anyhow, is that short for Rich or something.  I know we don’t use real names but Dick?” 

“Alright, Alright settle down.  A warrior can always spot a warrior,” snapped Thompson.  Yah that and the fact you spied on me for months on end while I did my routine morning workout.  “Trust me gentlemen, he’s the real deal.  Now, the real reason we’re here�"the mission.  We have a routine mission sent from the Big Boss himself.” 

“The Big Boss huh…  This must be important,” said Nuts.

 “The base pay is 50 thousand for completion of the mission and a bonus 25 large for every head you bring back.” 

“Sounds effin sweet!  Whats the gig?” --Spouted Meach.

  “The meat of the matter, there’s a faction down by the peer who’s apparently gotten to big for there britches.  The Boss believes they plan on going rogue and wants to make an example of them.  They’re a rag tag bunch so it should be an ol’ in and out.  Boss wants it to be very bloody, very messy.  He wants a message to be sent.  Oh here’s the special bonus.  A million large for whoever can bring this lady back to the boss alive, and two million dead.” 

Thompson  displays an 8x12 picture of the woman.  Wait a minute, something ain’t sittin right bout this.  Sense when are women involved?  There’s something more to this, has to be. 

“Hey Meach, seems a bit odd there’s a woman involved eh?”

 “Nutter, I’d kill me moms for a million, I can give a f**k about what’s involved…It’s time for some Ultra violence.  I’m bout to go Leroy Jenkins in that b***h!” exclaimed Meach. 

“Alright gentlemen and I do use that term loosely.  Here’s where we are to convene.”  He hands us each a little card, with a smiley pig on the back.   “We move out at 2100.”

 

 

 

It’s a dark scarlet night.  The rendezvous point is about a mile away from the impact zone.  We meet in a modified R.V. painted jet Black.  As I approach the door to let myself in, I see Lurch over my left shoulder. 

“Ready?” he says with all the raging speed of molasses.

I don’t respond but with a head nod.  The first person’s face that I see when I open the door is Thompson.  He has this sick smile on his face.  Like he knows something that we don’t.  That or the sick f**k loves mayhem a little too much.

“Greetings Gents,” he says with enthusiasm.  “Come on in, you’re the last to join the party.”

“Woah, Woah this bloakes totally ill-prepared,” says Nuts.  Is he referring to me?  My game face is on; I’m ready as one could be to take on such a task.  Death isn’t a walk in the park-- cold blooded murder gets no easier no matter how often you do it.  “Is that what you’re wearing?  My man you have to dress for success.  Dress cool.  Think cool.  Think cool.  Kill cool.”  You gotta be shittin’ me.  This gotta be a joke right, Danny bonnadouche is givin’ me advice.  “I mean check me out, I have this sweet suit.” --Real sweet.  Its lime green, like it was on loan from a Miami Vice dressing room. “--And this here is me killin’ outfit, check it out.  I’m goin’ with the leopard print leotards, cause I have the eye of the Tiger.  Yo Adrian!  And I’m goin’ with the checkered print thong because it depicts the juxtaposition of life and death. Life can turn Black in the Blink of an eye�"Checkmate!”

“F**k Nuts!  Enough with the dandelion s**t.  First order of operation-- weapons of choice.”  Thompson walks to the back of the RV and pushes a button.  The wall flips around, and a massive array of weaponry is revealed. 

“Show time!” said Meach.  “These are better than the last batch.  Lemme get those two tone Uzi’s and the Dezi Eagle, BIRD MAN IN DA BUILDIN’! KA Kaaa Ka KAAA!!!”

“Meach, you know the routine.  Lurch has Seniority.  It’s ritual.  Lurch…”

“Hmmm… I think I want something low key.  Let me try out the rocket launcher chief.  And I’ll take the assault rifle right there above your shoulder.”

“And Nuts, what’ll it be?”

“You know me baby!”  He said with such a devilish grin on his face, it was insidiously wicked.  “Let me go with the Flame Thrower.  A couple grenades…You know so I can get a runnin’ start.  Preternatural Chaos--” as he grabs the flamethrower and holds It above his head he shouts. “I have the power!”

“Meach, yah yah we already know, come get ya s**t,” said Thompson.

“New guy!  What silverware are you bringing to this feast fest?”  Um…Nuts is a little to in to this.  But me, I don’t do guns.  If I can’t get close enough to snatch the spirit up out ya soul, I don’ t wanna take your life, I mean perdition is a muddied path.  If I can connect with your soul before I take it, the understanding is there.  So I just give em a simple nod.  “What do you mean, uh uh?  Have you lost your marbles.  You just gonna go in there bare back?  Raw dawg?  You’re sicker than me thinks�"real sociopathic amagaloid,” said Nuts.

“Now, you sure bout this son?” said Thompson.  A simple head nod of affirmation is my response.  “I’m good, trust-- I’m nice with my ladies.”  I flash my two blades, Big Shirley and the Queen.  I leave Betsy strapped to my back.  Big Shirley is a knife with a wide brim.  It’s handle is roughly 3 inches wide and 3 inches long and has a short pyramid peak of a blade.  The Queen on the other hand is long and lanky.  Almost like a super model.  She has a curve in her spine almost like a sickle.  She does most of my slashing.    

“Ok…Now that we’re all properly equipped.  Take a look at the map and familiarize yourself with the layout of the place.  Lurch I want you here at the primary point of entry.  I want you to kick the door down per se.  As soon as you see that opening I want you runnin’ in there nuts, I want absolute bedlam.  While that’s goin on I want you to flank em’ from the side exit Meach.  I’ll be situated here with the sniper, to cut down any runners and communicate with you guys.  And New guy, you’re the Ace up the sleeve.  I want you to find the Lady.  I’ve seen your speed.  She should be somewhere in the middle, she’s meeting with one of the Boss’s liaisons and Boss wants him dead too.  So when you see the guys with the Pigs insignia’s they’re not friendlys, they’re targets.  Now go git to your happy Places.”

Happy places?  “Cums you look confused, guy.  Thompson has this philosophy that we should center our minds and visualize what’s going to happen and actualize it into existence.  --Some real mysticism psychological s**t.  Anyway you go do what you do.  I brought me mutts and some extra creamy jiff.  We move out in 30 mins.”

Not sure of how much of a joke that was.  --But from the eagerness in his tone, very doubtful that it was.  Now it’s go time.  I’m all in but feel plenty apprehensive, what’s this talk about a woman.  It doesn’t add up but s**t, if a woman’s what they want a woman’s what they get.  I’m just here to give Big Shirley, Bestsy and the Queen some action, they’re sick of the foreplay and they just want to get down to the  nittyy gritty.  And a little mayhem is always good to get those preverbal�"Before Christ-- juices flowin’.  You know, somethin’ to make you feel alive again.

I bend down and grab a hand full of mud, so I can get a good sense of the earth-- Feel what Kinda mood she’s in.  --Fire up a tar stick.  The nicotine feels my veins wit reassurance and familiarity.  I have my Izod goin’�"Pink Floyd and Project Pat playlist goin’.   It’s amazing what these people come up with.  Able to download music to a little chip imbedded in the back of the ear.  I’d say I’m ready to go.

 

 

“Testing, Testing can everyone here me over there Izods?” says Thompson.  He’s perched 100 meters away from the drop zone with an eagles eye view.

“Coming in loud and clear,” replied everyone.  Everyone except Lurch that is, his response was delayed several seconds.

“Yah boss, what’s the word,” replied Lurch.

I took in my surroundings. -- Deep breath, plenty of moisture in the air. The drop zone was a warehouse on the docks.  It had a red teal to it.  It was fairly large and was dual leveled.  According to the map the warehouse was divided into two major sections.  There was a trail leading up to the entrance of the warehouse, at its head were two armed goons.�"Lookouts I suspect.  At the bottom of the trail were a couple of Black Denali SUV’s.  At the rear were a few more.  --No light so the night vision goggles are in effect.

“Rookie, you’re up first.  You see those two--” I interrupted him before he could finish.  “Already on top of it captain.” 

So I’m up first.  My advantage�"superior quickness�"anticipation�"foresight.  I dig in.  This won’t be much of a challenge at all.  I use the darkness as my veil.  The targets are 2 meters apart but with surprise at my disposal it won’t matter.  I’ll be wiping off Betsy before either of em can let out a whimper. 

I’m able to maneuver myself just three meters to the left of the henchmen without them noticing.  I’m gonna make this kill swift, I have a feeling there’s plenty more to come.  Here goes.

“Woah! Did you see that!”

“Impressive!”

“Is that Cums, that man moves like a viper.”

One, two, three, four, five.  Five swipes to the chest of the first guy�"his senses were dull.  Should have felt me comin’.  He’s gaspin’. Seen this so many times, eventually the shock of the situation will wear off.  But before he does, the Queen lacerates the neck.  Boom!  Got some warm sticky in my eye but no time to wipe.

“What the Fu�"” on to door number two.  Before he can finish his statement.  He realizes Betsy’ has done the ol in and out close to a dozen times.  So swift he can’t feel the pain.  Don’t worry big guy, the Queens gonna make this swift and across the necker she goes.  And out comes the ol’ grape mercury.  Yuck I think some got in my mouth this time, you’d think I was a rookie but messy is what messy does  and messy is what they want.

“I told you the man had skills.  Trust my judgment gentlemen,” said Thompson.  “Lurch and Meach you’re up next.  As soon as you here the explosion of the Bazooka Meach, come in balls out with guns blazin through the side.  FuckNuts I don’t have to tell you your job, mayhem deluxe.  And Dick, your main objective is to secure the lady.  Lurch I want you to go on my count three…two…one…”

Noise lots of noise, too much volatility.  I haven’t done this in a while and the effervescent spirit of panic is suffocating’.  The heat from the rocket launcher is discomforting but provides enough light so that I can ditch the goggles.  By now I imagine if the blokes we are after have any training, that they’ve set up a defense by now.  Here we go.  First thing I see when I make my way around the carnage and debris is that shirtless wolverine of a little man letting loose with the flamethrower�"its Nuts.  He’s being shot at by several men who’ve set up cover behind some overturned desk, Nut he keeps at it with the flamethrower.  It’s like he thinks he’s invincible.  With his assault Rifle Meach takes out a couple of shooters that were on the second level.  I use my preternatural speed to disable the pups behind the barricade.  As I embark on the last man Nuts holler’s out�"

“No!!  Not that one!  You don’t get all the kills you selfish prick!  That ones mine!  He shot me shoulder.  He alone shall atone for this trespass.  His flesh will boil!”

He gets this hollow look in his eye, and begins to caress the flamethrower.

--Quite a horrific scene.  I don’t stand to stay and watch; besides I have a mission to keep. 

“Is the Area 1 secure?” shouts Thompson over the Izod.

“Yah captain,” replied Lurch finally making his way into the area.

“Advance to area 2 this is where the lady should be found, proceed with caution.  Side note: we want her alive,” states Thompson.

That was a rush.  �"A surge.  But the goal lies ahead.  Area two, I suggest we don’t all go in at once.  This is probably where their stronghold is, if they haven’t already fled from the back.  --before I can derive a strategy Lurch has let off his rocket launcher creating an entrance of his own.  I decide to gain access before the smoke clears.  The first thing I see, and thing is a very accurate description, is an 8 foot tall humanoid creature.  I couldn’t make out what it was because its body was covered in a synthetic material and its head was covered with a helmet.  There were four of them.  They moved very fast and completely unorthodox�"graceful yet irregular movements.  The first three didn’t see me, but the fourth must have been the stronghold or something because he remained back while the other 3 advanced toward the blow whole. With a second take I can see he was guarding the entrance to a back room.

“A… Captain…captain….CAPTAIN!”  I could hear the panic in Meach’s voice over the Izod.  Sounds like a little boy who was lost in the dark.  “Captain what the f**k is goin’ on here, there are some big Blue f***s in here with space suits.  Captain, they don’t even have weapons and our bullets aren’t doin’ any damage.”

“Oh God!!!”

“F**k!!!” 

Couldn’t distinguish who was saying what.  When infused with panic and a high pitch the voices become indistinguishable.  All I can hear now are curling screams and whines.  But I can’t worry about that now.  I have enough concern standing in front of me, and the big guy has spotted me.  No worries.  I’m too fast.  Here we go.

One, two, three, four, five, five in and outs to the back.  Nothin’…Um that ain’t right…  It’s like he didn’t feel it.  He turns but my superior speed allows me to summersault over em’.  Ok big boy it’s the Queen’s turn.  But before I can engage, I find myself involuntarily soaring through the air.  A quick bugger, he forearmed me right in the chest.  �"F**k that’s a few ribs fractured.  Inhale: pain.  Exhale: Pain.  Ok this thing has to have some weakness, I regain my composure and launch toward the head.  He reacts, catches me by the neck.  He squeezes, this is death.  My laryngeal prominence: immediately crushed. Now I’m just tryna fight off death, when out of my right eye it’s Nuts.  Relief.  Not quite it isn’t all of Nuts, just a partial, It’s the lifeless remains of nuts rapidly soaring towrards , guess he decided to let those grenades go.  Either way the impact loosens this varmint’s grip.  Perfect opening as we sail across the room together in harmony carried by the syncopation of the blast.  --Opening.  I go for the helmet, thriving off instinct and adrenaline.  The blast provides a chink in the armor, the o’l necker is vulnerable�"Queen’s sweet spot.  In:out:in :out: in:out and in and out again she goes.  What is this goo?  What in the f**k is this s**t that is coming out.  It’s a cool sticky blue substance, very …very cold and very blue. No time for understanding, I want this Lady.  Through all of the ruble, the intense blaze, the falling debris I see an entrance to a back room. 

I could only imagine the fate of my unit.  Survey says: carnage deluxe. No time to figure what went wrong, or what’s goin’ on or why the Captain has yet to respond.

This must be where the Lady is.  At this point I don’t know why I’m continuing, any man with any ounce of reason in his veins would cut his losses and haul a*s.�"But it’s the principle of the matter.  When ya start somethin’ ya finish something’.  So I make my way through the room and I see her.  Now I see what all the fuss is about.  She looks as though she could have been carved out of Marble by God himself.  --An immaculate Lady with Jet black hair. �"Precise curves, excellent handling.  My primary desire was to learn her name.  Second was to give Big Shirley some in and out.  She looks me directly in my eye, almost beyond my eye, in to what fragmented remains of a soul that I have left and states…

“You can see me?”

-- Strange question.  Should I not?

“Stoic, quiet, firm…You are special.  You look at me with too much desire though, a weakness waiting to be exploited.”

--Another talker...  Cut the useless rhetoric lady.  It’s go time.

“You have the slightest idea why you are here do you?  You were probably paid for hire, to do a nameless job, with a nameless unit, from a nameless proprietor.  You have the slightest ideal what you are embarking on do you?  You have no ideas of the world that lies blind in plain sight, you’re prying open Pandora’s box and you have the slightest inclination of its consequences.”

--Like I said before, it’s go time.  She will be silenced one way or another.  �"Spotted my opening, I lunge with the virility of a jaguar.  She’s left herself completely open.  In one swift motion Big Shirley is in: out in: out in: out: in and out again.  But something isn’t right.  No resistance. I missed?  What?  I missed; nothing remains but a blue vapor.  In thin air she withdrew from sight.  Where is she?

 

 --End Chapter

Author's Note

Crude draft, no matter how much you read, all opinions are welcomed

Reviews

[Closed Account]

Interesting start. The dialogue might go a bit too far in the "uneducated street thug" direction. Your thugs tend to sound a bit like JarJar. And the exposition on the protagonist's history is a little uncharacteristic. I think with some review and reworking youll definitely have something here.

[Jace Rockland]

I thought this was interesting but I felt as though my major conflict I had with this was the different voices. The story and the dialogue was interesting, but the narrative voice was very subdued. This stark contrast made it difficult at times to continue. I'm not sure why. As a graphic novel this may be easier to read because it's just easier to see and move along but as a novel, I feel that I wouldn't be able to move along at the pace that I would want to. Now if this were a movie or television series, than I'd totally sit and watch where this was going. I'm not entirely sure what the voices sounded more like. At one go it felt a bit like a Quentin Tarantino slightly awkward/definitely bad a*s chemistry there. In the second go, I felt a bit of humor along the lines of Dave Chapelle. I suppose as I read more, that question will be answered for me.
So yes, my only gripe is the narrator's voice in stark contrast to everyone else's.

[Dice3]

I thought it was very good.

[Kasey Klein]

Not a bad piece of action/adventure. Has the 'graphic novel' feel to it. Other than the italics, it's mechanically sound with few errors. Too much italics are not good on these old eyes.

[sdgsdgsd]

I enjoyed what I did read. But yes I agree with Arik the slag does become just alittle overwhelming.
Great start though.
If I have time I will read more, also thanks for the review on mine I like to return favors =)