The Cook

The cook was standing at 

the pick up window holding 

a plate of hot turkey in gravy 

sided with parsley, garlic, and scallion 

mashed potatoes au gratin when he saw the 

M249 light machine gun open fire toward the ceiling.

The room pitched underneath his feet 

causing him to drop his 15 minute masterpiece 

on the tiled floor below, turkey and gravy and porcelain 

claiming dominion over his pants legs and feet.

100 rounds per minute gutted the plaster ceiling 

above him like an ugly cesarean.

He had felt time slow down as his adrenaline kicked in 

and he began thinking rapidly.

He hadn´t seen one of those since before his last deployment to Iraq.

What it was doing here in the middle of America 

and not in the Middle East 

was for him mind boggling to say the least.

The cook´s brain began to race 

as his heart caught up with the adrenaline 

now wrestling it´s way through his veins.

His eyelids fluttered from it's punch 

and he stood stock still, awaiting the next report 

from the muzzle of that fully automatic, killing machine.

 

Reviews

[JulianaSun]

So first came the cook, and then you thought - wait a minute, I think I could make this into a story. My guess is that the last one was the guy in the bushes. You began the story with the ending, and end it with the beginning. Hm, interesting. Okay, am I on to something here or am I just rambling?

My favorite is still The Roadside Figure aka the guy in the bushes :)

J

[Carol Cashes]

*head explodes* That you use a different character's POV in each chapter is a genius way to tell this story, wherever it's headed.

"100 rounds per minute gutted the plaster ceiling
above him like an ugly cesarean."

No words, just the pictures you painted that spontaneously appeared when I read your words.

You don't need any advice or help telling a story, I think you've been pulling my leg, Joshua.

Movin' on...

[Dani The Unreviewed]

M249 5.56 mm. Lovely choice, remind me of the exact effective range...? cool story man, cool story. But, an AKA47 would a been more dramatic, or you could have gone with the gangsta style uzi 9mm, or cal 45. mac ten. Either way, its not a good idea to be around some prick with a M249... Lol.

[Joshua Carl Cruz]

range 3600
max effective 1000
its a doozy
mostly a squad weapon for soldiers in the sand overseas

[mattavelli]

It's an exciting scene. A couple things confused me. Why did the room pitch beneath his feet, and "his eyelids fluttered from the punch", did someone hit him?

[Joshua Carl Cruz]

the room pitched because he was suddenly in a fight or flight situation and his eyes fluttered from the onset of adrenaline. trying to go for a visual rush

[mattavelli]

If you replaced the gunfire with an explosion, maybe add in a grenade... Haha

[Joshua Carl Cruz]

ha, youmean the floor actually physically pitching land rolling like a boat beneath his fee. yeah that would be cool!

[Taylor]

What an interesting little piece especially with the graphic layout..
1) he began to rapidly think -- this seems awkward to me -- it would read more smoothly with "think rapidlly
2) ."He hadn´t seen one of those since his last deployment to the sand." This also feels awkward to me -- why not just say "his deployment to Iraq"?

[Joshua Carl Cruz]

on it
thanks!