Breaking the news

It’s hard to give up on the person you love even harder to move on.

“I never stood a chance” he said with a quiver in his voice and a tear falling down his face, “Did I?” My heart melted at the pain I could tell he was feeling. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him that everything would be ok but the next words that came out of my mouth shocked even me,
“That’s the sad part, you did once.” My voice broke as I whispered these last words and turned to leave Jeremy was the guy I’ve wanted to be with since I was 16. He’s the guy I’ve been in love with forever. In my defense he’s known for as long as I have I never kept it a secret from him but finally I after a decade of waiting on him I got...tired. Wore out if you will because I wasn’t getting the love I needed sure he and I would have our nights where it was like a dream come true we’d go out to dinner, go see a movie and then end the night in each other’s bed having the wildest and most erotic sex I’ve ever know anyone to have but come the next morning it was back to being friends he liked to screw around with different guys and come to me when he had no one else, which wasn’t often, but I finally got tired got lonely so I met someone. His name is Patrick and he treats me so good I can feel the love he has for me when I’m just in the same room with him and when we have sex...well we’re not having sex were making love and there is a difference.
Patrick and I decided to make it official on the night of October 13 he took me out to dinner to a fancy restaurant that I knew we couldn’t afford but he was treating me and insisted, we sat down at our table with the single candle burning in between us and we ordered our food he got some white wine that I wasn’t sure what it was called but it was tasty and strong I could tell he was a little nervous but didn’t think much of it he was naturally nervous. Patrick always carried a messenger bag with him he had several one with Pokémon on it Nintendo controls he was a regular nerd and I loved it about him. Tonight he decided to carry a simple black bag it had a black strap and silver metal latches that connected the strap to the bag. He reached down and opened the bag and pulled out something it was a box that looked like jewelry would be in it. I knew he wouldn’t be foolish enough to buy me jewelry I never wore it why would he. He looked down at the package and he started to speak in a soft fearful voice.
“Danny, we’ve been going out for quite some time now.” He hesitated to go on but eventually continued, “and I’ve enjoyed my time with you so much, when I’m with you I see only you, the world stops and the worries disappear every minute I’m with you is magical.” He reaches for the case on the table with his shaking hands and opens in. In the box lies two bracelets it looks like with long plastic piece that looks like has coordinates on it. I look at them confused but remain quiet and he picks one of them up the one is a bracelet with red yarn looking product and he holds it out to me.
“I had these bracelets made for us, they are inscribed with the coordinates of where we met, the exact location that night out in the field at that rave party where you were to nervous to talk to anyone and I finally came up and talked to you. I want you to be my boyfriend Danny, I like you a lot and I think you like me too. I wanna be good to you and enjoy my life with you. That is...if you’ll have me.”
I was absolutely speechless and sat there in silence for a good 3 minutes. Then I chugged the rest of the wine and was silent for three more minutes and finally spoke,
“No one has ever done anything like this for me.” I took the bracelet and smiled at it and put it on to show him I accepted. His smile lit up the room and I knew we’d be happy. This twenty minute activity is the reason I’m lookin into the watery hurt eyes of the man that I’ve loved my entire life. My heart breaks with each tear that falls down his cheek. My breathing is heavy I didn’t think breaking the news to him would cause him to fall apart. He says to me with a quiver in his voice,
“You are the only person that’s ever been there for me. The only one for me!”
The statement runs in my mind numerous times echoing and I get mad. This wasn’t the kind of mad that caused you to yell or scream it wasn’t the kind of mad that made your blood boil it was the kind of mad that made you wanna cry, that made you feel lost and angry at the same time.
“Why did you wait?” I asked him looking down from him and he looked up at me I could tell because he also moved closer to me,
“What?” He asked me back as if what I said was a mystery. I repeated it,
“Why did you wait?”
“Wait for what?” He responded, and now I was mad enough to feel my blood boil.
“You knew! This entire time our entire life! You knew I loved you I would have done anything for you! You waited til I found someone else. You could have had me.” I was weeping at this point for over a decade I loved this man, I comforted him when he got hurt by guys he claimed to love, I supported him in acts I knew he was above I stuck by him when he was difficult and no one else wanting anything to do with him and now I stood before him thinking that this wonderful news of mine would have made him happy for me made him proud of me but I was wrong. He thought of only himself and having that person to screw when he wanted it and to me it just seemed like everything was a lie.
“Ever since we were 16 I wanted you, I love you with everything in me and you always pushed me to the side for next piece of meat. I thought you’d be happy for me but I guess I was wrong I guess all you care about is what you want at the time you want it.”
He was quiet, I could barely hear him breathing he was hurt by what I said but good is what I thought years of being hurt by him and just shrugging it off like it was nothing was over. I love him and I always will but I can’t hold onto him forever.

I turned to walk away feeling hurt in my heart feeling my stomach churn and I feel terrible I’m battle myself internally I just hurt the person I cared for the most I just hurt my best friend but at the same time he has hurt me for a very long time. He never thought how it made me feel sitting on the side of the bed with my arm wrapped around him comforting him after he’s just been told by the weekly man that it was a one night thing and he didn’t want anything else to do with him. He didn’t think of how empty I felt after we...after we had sex with each other even though we had very hot sex and it was very intense the next morning I felt empty I was a shell that he didn’t even really see that he used to fill a void temporarily until he found the next one.
He finally spoke to me,
“Don’t leave, please.”
I turned around and glared at him forcing myself to look at him sternly and I asked,
“What more do you have to say?”
There was a brief silence and it was the loudest moment I’ve ever witnessed as I waited for him to say what he needed to say I heard my ear drums beating my heart thumping and I think I even heard the dryness in my mouth if that were even possible. He finally spoke,
“I didn’t realize, I.. I’m sorry Danny.”
I thought about this statement and after about 25 seconds I responded,
“I don’t need you to be sorry for me Jer, I told you because we’ve been through a lot, your my best friend and I thought you’d be happy for me for finding someone. Being sorry doesn’t change the fact that you aren’t. Our friendship is a lie and that’s what sucks about this. From the day I met you I stood by your side. I would drop everything just to have a minute of your time. I wanted you to say something I needed it but you never did, so I had to give up on you. Had I never given up I’d have never moved on and found Patrick giving up and moving on is what I had to do otherwise I’d have stayed in your shadow for ever. If you were my friend if you cared about me you would want this for me. You would be excited.”

“He isn’t good enough for you!”
“And you are?” I’m yelling now and very irritated, “you only wanted me when you were hurt! You never once thought about being with only me I was your fall back.”
“I wasn’t good enough for you. I’m still not but I know I’m able to he eventually, I just don’t want you to get hurt. I’m working on myself to make myself worthy of you. You are a guy who is worth so much more than I can offer I want to offer you everything but I can’t and that’s why I didn’t move forward and I’m sorry I missed my chance.”
“All I ever wanted was you nothing more, I knew how you was I know how you are and I still wanted you, shouldn’t that account for something.”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
“Well you f*****g did! You f*****g are!”
I decide this will be the last thing I say and I turn around and leave his apartment. He tried to call after me and get me to come back but I was done. I needed to think about everything I needed time to forgive him for his reaction, so I left and never looked back.

Author's Note

i Know there are grammar problems feel free to highlight some for me to fix with suggestions.