Her Love Runs Red

Picking up from the last; things are finally happening. gotta keep things interesting.

I felt the push of the creature’s will, and woke up.  The air had become hot and stuffy underneath my comforter, and I kicked it off in search of fresh air.  I was still too drowsy to realize what I was feeling, but a loud rustling from outside the door startled inside of me a hidden knowledge; an alertness and urgency I had never experienced.  I could feel the pressure against the house, the wood creaked, and the glass in my own window strained, as the thing waiting outside clashed desperately against our little sanctuary.  I stood by the door in my room, paralyzed, as I heard my dad walk slowly towards the front door.  The eagerness of it reached me as my dad stepped outside; the pleasure it felt overwhelmed me as he shrieked. 

“Karen!”  He screamed, and my mother ran towards him; her fear sending the creature into ecstasy. 

I felt its intentions and started moving without thinking.  I knew it was going to kill her, and I couldn’t imagine a world without her.  I ran as fast as my short legs could go, and crossed the front door behind her, breathless and full of anxiety.  My dad stood a few feet away, his hand clenched against his bleeding chest; his eyes pain and confusion. 

“Stooop!!!” I screamed as it got closer to her.  My desire to save her shadowing my fear, and stunning the creature for a second.  It was at that moment that someone who shouldn’t have the ability to know what was going on sensed it.  She became aware of the creature and how it wanted me.  I saw her eyes, the love in them, their determination; and then her body was wrapped around me, her arms griping me so tightly I could hardly breathe.

Her heartbeat echoed in my ears dulling the screams.  Every muscle in her body tensed at once, almost crushing me beneath her, then relaxed.  The weight of her was on me, but it was empty; whatever it was that made her my mother was gone, hollow weight incapable of loving me anymore.  She fell at my feet, her blood spreading in crimson trails around me.  The mist rose up and swallowed me whole.  I saw its eyes come at me, glaring in the nothing that was now my world. 

Where is it? I asked myself, frantically trying to find a direction to run; then I felt the cold grip me, and the realization of what I was up against shot panic trough me in a wave that turned my legs to rubber.  It wasn’t in the mist, It was the mist; It was around me and over me.  Its shapeless fingers caressed my cheek with an icy touch that burned my skin.

Move! An alien voice screamed in my head.  I found myself unable to step away, to break the hold of this energy over me.  It was the feel of my mother’s blood  against my feet, and the uncontrollable nausea that it brought, that shakes me loose.

­MOVE!  The voice screams again, and I take heed, turning around and running in the direction of my house. 

I reached the edge of the mist and tried to break through.  My movements felt slow and heavy, as if  running through a wall of cookie dough. 

His hand grabed my pajama top from the outside yanking me with enough force to pull me through.  I took a deep breath as I watched him, his eyes burning with intensity and focus.  His free hand reached up and I could feel the strength building up within him; his aura rising, sharpening.  He pushed against the mist and exerted his will against it, overpowering it.  The strength of it drained my own energy and made me dizzy.  He pulled me into the house and extended his hand once more, every window in the house exploding.  He looked down at me, his eyes strangely sad and emotionless all at once. 

“I’m sorry.  I truly am.”  And then darkness, the push of his aura finally straining my body into fainting.  I could feel myself being picked up and I dreamt of her; of her sparkling eyes and warm kisses as she carried me to bed.  “I love you.” I told her, but the answer never came.

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Author's Note

Hmmm.... so weird to keep a past tense; might have screwed that up.

Reviews

[WriterMe]

Yeah, this was indeed heartbreaking. Nice descriptions, as always =]
A small suggestion. I have the same problem of adding commas into sentences, which recently someone told me makes the sentence very hard (and a little annoying) to read. Oh, and with our similar problems of MS Words hatred towards us:
Sometimes I think by adding commas, those damn highlights will go away. And they do! But it just screws up the entire sentence formation.
See, for example:

I was still too drowsy to realize what I was feeling, but a loud rustling from outside the door startled inside of me a hidden knowledge; an alertness and urgency I had never experienced.

This sentence can be re-written to avoid the column:
I was still too drowsy to realize what I was feeling. A loud rusting from outside the door startled the inside of me, and aroused a hidden knowledge of alertness and urgency I had never experienced.

See? =] Lets try it with the next one:
I could feel the pressure against the house, the wood creaked, and the glass in my own window strained, as the thing waiting outside clashed desperately against our little sanctuary

So:
I could feel the pressure against the house, the wood creaked, and the glass in my own window strained.
The thing waiting outside clashed desperately against our little sanctuary.

Now, conjunctions help. Or just re-arranging a few words here and there. This isn't a very a bit deal, but I found it to be pretty helpful sometimes. I know, sometimes we read our work over and over again that the same monotonous tone doesn't really detect that the sentence is sort of a hindrance to read- which is why you should get another pair of eyes to go over it. You know, to get suggestions from a readers point of view =]
Haha which is what I am currently doing. Anyway, shoot me a msg when the next chapter is up =]
Hope I helped.

---Niki

[Emily Quinn]

awwe this is heartbreaking, nice action and description. You managed to keep the suspense gripping us into the chapter and gluing our eyes to the screen. The past/present tense was a littel inconsistant but nothing too distracting