Hopelessly Falling

A Poem by Spilt

ugh feelings help i don't want to feel themmmm

Ugh.

What even is love?

Is it the feeling of wanting them to smile more, just so you get that warm fuzzy flutter in your stomach when they do?

Wanting them to be the happiest they can be and not wanting anyone to steal their smile away?

Or that feeling of wanting to melt into their arms, just to hear their heart beats hum in sync with yours?

Wanting to run your fingers through their ringlets of curls, pull them close, and never let go?

The feeling of just craving a simple embrace, just simply wanting to nestle into the crook of their neck and feel like everything and anything else doesn't exist?

Just wanting a kiss?

I never knew that these small little sparks of feelings would ever amount to anything.

But they were building, stacking up, piling higher than I could've ever dreamed, until is came tumbling down in a startling wave of realization.

I think the first time was backstage. The lights in the wings were dark, and they had finished a scene. Or maybe they were waiting to go on. In any case, they had grabbed, no they'd stolen my gaze away-holding it captive like a prisoner.

I sat there, helplessly gawking like an idiot. The glimmering indigo lights behind you, illuminating you from behind, though the rest of your features stayed a small mystery under the cloak of darkness.

Maybe it was the worn makeup, or the sheer nerves built inside of my little heart, but boy, did you look gorgeous.

That ignited the first little droplet of affection.

But I knew it wasn't a possibility. So once the show ended, the feelings were boxed up, put away, and stored it in the corner of my brain.

Forgotten.

Until the next show. Then it happened again.

And again at the next show.

And the next.

Until this year. When they don't seem to leave at all.

They follow me around like some sort of ghost, reminding me of the feelings that just seem to keep building. Now I can't even look at them without wanting to just rush over and hug them, or have a big surge of butterflies fly up into my lungs just to make me choke on my own words.

I even cried because they were too adorable, and I guess my heart just suddenly cracked. Because I know that they don't see me in that light even if I tried my best.

I know I'm not what they're looking for.

Probably never will be.

Though there is the smallest piece of hope in my brain, hoping they'll write me a letter.

Confession their unbearable desire to be with me like they did with their previous significant other, having their best friends proof read it a million times before handing it to me.

I just can't seem to stop thinking about the endless possibilities that could happen but just won't.

Ugh.

I'm so hopeless.