Summer

Some reason to why I hate Summer

I hate summer

Well, maybe I don't hate it

But I strongly strongly dislike it

The endless heat that amplifies more because I have eczema

The blinding sun that never seems to leave your eyes

The urge to be athletic and spend time outside

So many things piled up

But it's not just that 

It's the fact that I'm alone. 

Those days I don't do anything, or see anyone

When there's no school to keep me distracted from a statement that's been eating away at me from my earliest memory:

I'm going to die. 

Now this thought comes and goes throughout the year, not just in the summer

Bur its only summer when I sit up in my bed, breathing heavily as if my lungs have stopped working and I try to take a breath again

 It's only summer when my entire body runs cold and still for a moment in a realization of:

this is all going to end

I'm not going to be here one day

This way of living right now will end

I won't be able to come back to it

I won't be able to laugh

to love

to cry

an endless amount of thoughts that make my heart race enough to make it fly out of my body

All in a fear of death

So this is why I hate summer

Not because of the seasonal reasons (well sometimes)

Not because of the lack of activity each day consists of 

but because of the rushing panic attacks

the lonely nights without anything to distract me from the inevitable:

Death