The End of All He Knew

I will review a chapter of yours if you review my chapter. This is a story about an organization of people who have heightened senses and are able to gut reactions that allows them to know when major disasters are going to happen.

     It was the tough economic times that were the reason Stone found himself sitting through traffic and pushing his way through large groups of people on Black Friday. His family had never before been forced to bargain shop or do any type of financial trimming. The reason Stone found himself, after only six days of driving experience, driving and going into an electronic store was because he needed to get his girlfriend of two years an adequate Christmas present.

Unfortunately for him when he got to the isle where he knew the MP3 players were they were sold out. In utter fury he strung together a disgusting line of curses and as he turned around to leave the store he saw a small little kid right behind him giggling and a woman, who must have been his mother, holding his hand and giving Stone a cold scowl.

Stone laughed at how uptight a kid can make someone. Unless that’s just the way she’s always been which makes it just sad. He pondered for a while whether there was anything that could make him as uptight as the woman but decided that nothing in the world would every causer him to act like that.

He stopped on a dime and was walked into by someone from behind who cursed at him and walked swiftly past. He knew what he was going to get his girlfriend. He was bumped into again by someone else who did not say anything but just continued to walk past him. As he picked it up off the shelf he was bumped again and dropped it onto the ground.

“Come on,” he yelled behind him as he picked the Massager up off the ground and switched it with another one on the shelf. Out of nowhere he got a horrible pain in the pit of him stomach. The past he ate earlier must have been the cause of it. If he could remember correctly he was pretty sure that it had made him a little sick when he ate it the other night.

When he finally got himself together he jumped into the flowing line of people and was on his way to the monstrous line that led to the cash registers. The line was too long for the every day line so it winded through a few isles of CDs and DVDs. Stone counted 37 or so people in line in front of him and none of them looked like they were together.

A security officer, a woman in her early twenties, was standing in the next isle over. She was very pretty so Stone glanced at her and but she returned his glance with an uneasy smile. Stone took it to mean that she was having a rough morning, which, he assumed he would be having if he worked in retail today.

The woman continued to stair at him and he, feeling uncomfortable, turned his head toward the ground.  Soon after he bent over as he succumbed to the sick he felt in the pit of his stomach.  He felt much emasculated as he bent over in pain in front of the security woman.

“Sir.”

Stone jerked his head up to come face to face with the pretty security woman. The uneasy smile was replaced with a stern and powerful glare. Though she may not have looked it at first glance Stone now noticed that she had a very powerful and confident aura about her.

“Yeah,” Stone said with obvious pain in his voice as he had to mentally fight himself to keep from leaning over again.

“Can you come with me please?”

“Thanks, I’ll be fine though. It’s just a little stomach thing.”

“No, Sir. I must insist that you come with me.”

“Is something wrong?” Stone started to get the feeling that something more than his upset stomach may be going on. “Have I done something wrong?”

“Sir, if you could just come with me.”

Stone took a quick glance around him. He was contemplating just leaving the store but he saw that there were a number of security guards that were looking at him and he was sure that they would not have aloud him to leave. After a few more seconds he finally submitted and aloud the security woman to lead him toward the back of the store.

“Can you just tell me what exactly I did?”

She did not answer or even look at him though she did look at her watch and began to speed up. She lead him through a door into the storage room and than out into the back parking lot.

“Where are you taking me? What have I even done wrong? Why did you pull me out of line? Answer me!”

“Sir,” she stopped in her tracks and turned so that she was inches away from Stone’s nose. She had an urgent look about her and Stone got the feeling that she was in a rush to do something. “It is crucial that you follow me. It would be vastly unbeneficial for everyone if you do not come with me right now.

“You still have not told me exactly what it is that I have done.”

In a blink of the eye she had Stone’s arm behind his back and was leading him away from the building.

“Ow! What are you doing? Let me go! Let me go!” As she lead him further away from the building he heard the back door open again. He begged to god that whoever it was would get this crazy girl off of him. “Hey! Help me out. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

He did not notice that he was now surrounded on all sides when the girl finally let him go. He meant to turn to one of them to plead for help but the pain in the pit of his stomach forced him to bend over.

“What’s going on?” Stone asked with nervousness evident in his voice when the pain had subsided enough for him to speak.

Two of the men grabbed him under the arm and lead him further away from the building and Stone was unable to put up any sort of resistance.

“Looks like you really found another one didn’t you?” one of the men said but Stone could only assume that it was directed toward the Security woman because another wave of pain forced him back over. Stone began to pray for death to end the pain he was feeling and to get him away from these people. Whoever they were he would give the rest of the money in his account to get away from them.

After a minute or so of walking the men pushed him forward but let go of his arms. The pain was not too extreme to keep him from being able to stand straight but there was pain. It was not the pain, nor the men surrounding him, that forced him to the ground this time. It was the force from the explosion of the electronics store that he had just been forced out of. The back door flew off its hinges and missed Stone and his captures by a few feet.

Screams erupted from every direction. Crackling came from the building where fire was quickly spreading.  There was no sound from his captures though which was unsettling for Stone.

“What are we to do with the boy?”

“We are to bring him back ourselves. Officer Garon will need to stay to continue to perform his duties as an officer and will not be able to leave with us. Plus I expect he will want to question any survivors.”

Stone swore to himself that he would die before he went anywhere with these people. He would not allow them to force him into doing anything to help there because and he hated to admit it but feared that if he was taken back with them he would be tortured. Stone realized that it was times like this where you realized what you were really made of and he was not impressed with what he found that he was made of. Although he would like to believe that he would not help them carry out there plans he realized that if it came to being tortured or doing what they want he would do whatever he had to not to be tortured.

“If I have to repeat myself one more time boy.”

Stone had not even realized that the men had been talking but he was sure that he was being addressed. He looked up at the man.

“Now Chex,” the woman said sternly. “We will not start out relationship with our new colleague that way. You were once in his position and you have to realize that or I will advice that your position be stripped.”

“I wont ever be like you.”

All five of his captures turned and looked at him as he lifted himself off the ground.

“What did you say to me boy?” The Man named Chex spat at him. “You’ll be lucky to ever make it to a position of mine boy.”

The man standing behind him openly laughed and Chex turned around and punched him square in the face. The man was unfazed by the punch but turned and knocked Chex onto his back.

“Stop it.” The girl shouted. “I will be talking to Thomas about your position if you do not stop this crap.”

“That’s not what I meant idiot,” Stone directed toward the man who had been yelling at him. The girl did not shoot Stone down but instead looked at the man as if she was challenging him to say anything.

A very short while after, when the girl seemed to be content, she turned back toward stone. “You are already one of us.”

Stole laughed a sick laugh that he had never heard himself make before. “I’m not like you at all. I don’t think we have one thing in common.”

“How can you make that assumption without knowing a single thing about us?”

“I don’t kill people,” he voice cracked.

“We did not kill anyone here today.”

“Oh,” he laughed another sick laugh. “So it was just a coincidence that you pulled me out of the building seconds before it blew up?”

“We did not blow it up.”

“We do not have time for this,” one of the men said. He had the posture of a military man and the facial expression of a military sergeant. “The authorities will be here soon and we should be standing with the other witnesses.”

“Of course Tyler, thank you. I was momentarily distracted.” She glanced from Chex to the man behind him.”

“Well then, Tyler, Trent, can you” she gave stone a smile and a nod.” Can you escort Mr. Trenor around to the front of the building?”

Although Stone attempted to stay out of the reach of the two men he was very unsuccessful. The two men had Stone almost completely lifted off the ground by his upper arm and was easily moved. He was unable to put up any type of fight and was lead around to the front of the stoor.

All cars on the highway were stopped in both directs. There were hundreds of people just staring blankly at the ruin of a building. Some people had even started to dig through the wreckage even though there were no screams or sounds of life.

“They’re going to know you did it.”

The four men laughed but the girl replied, “Oh, They are going to blame us for a freak meteor hitting the building?”

“What? That’s the best cover you guys can come up with? If it were a meteor the government would have let everyone know something would happen.”

“I expect that is because they were not away of any meteor today.”

The first of the authorities pulled up in a dodge charger police car. This was followed by two fire trucks, who immediately got to work taming the flames and attempting to gain access to the hundreds of people who were in the building. Soon after ambulances and more police cars pulled up and all joined in the attempt to save any for of life that they could.

“Unfortunate afternoon Lyla.”

Stone turned his head quickly to look into the face of a tall muscular man in a police uniform. He was not looking at Stone but instead smiling at the security woman.

“Most unfortunate it is Officer Peterson.”

Stone looked back and forth between the faces of Officer Peterson and Lyla the security woman. Bother faces were calm, although Lyla looked as though she was forcing herself to be so.

“Is this him?” Officer Peterson asked as he looked at Stone for the first time.

“Yes, he showed all the signs.” Lyla replied.

“Good, Good. Well, I’m still going to stick around and question any survivors.”

“I do not feel that (head guy) would object to that.”

The man turned without saying another word and walked toward the building. An officer had just come up to these people and had a conversation that made no sense at all to Stone. All the conversation did was show him that he could not trust his own police department. He had a second cousin in the Trenton Police department a few years ago. Maybe he still worked there and Stone could talk to him.

“Are you ready?”

Stone was taken off guard by the way she made it seem like he really had any say. After he composed himself he realized that she was probably just teasing him. “Well I don’t really have a choice now do I?”

“You do,” she paused. “But if it were not for us you would not be alive to make any choices. The least you can do is give us the chance to explain our side of the story.”

Although his mind was completely against the idea his body showed no signs. In his mind he was frightened but his heart was not racing nor was his body shaking. It was almost as though his body and mind had two different interpretations of the situation.

As he thought it over some more he realized that even though they said they would let him go they would never really let him go. He would be free to do whatever he pleased but they would always follow and watch him.

“Let’s do it then.”

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems. Is the beginning too choppy?(if so, any suggestions?). Mainly I want to know if by reading this first chapter you would put the book down or keep reading (you may be as honest as you like)

Reviews

[Political Punk ~~ CBD]

well writen story and a great read, i know you said no grammer things but you do have a couple of word confusions. and the mental dialoufe (Like the person before me said) is a little plain.

[Olive]

Hi. Hope you don't mind my bluntness, and I would hope for the same kind of response if or when I do post something. First, I thought your first paragraph was great! I was intrigued and wanted to read more. Who is this guy? Who is his family? What has caused the reduction in this social/economic status? However, as I kept reading, my attention wavered. I think it may be because Stone's mental dialogue becomes too "common" as do his actions. I no longer felt intrigued by him and therefore his stomach pains and the rest of the story becomes uninteresting. Even when (at the end) I discovered that there might be something "special" about Stone, I don't "know" him well enough to care. I think that more character development for your main character would help the reader understand, sypathize and care more about the story. Other than that, great story idea, and I can't wait to see where you will go with it.

[Kelsey Desmond]

I used to go on WEbook.com and I just switched to Writer's Cafe, and the first thing I noticed was that the writing was better! And you are a perfect example of that!

[Serend1p1ty]

I think it started off really well, but the spelling mistakes and the grammar make it really hard to follow and can detract from the story. Other than that, it's got great potential and I would definitely keep reading just to find out what their side of the story is haha. Good job!