The First Appearance of Lady Divinity Divination

One of my favorite characters I have created is Lady Divinity Divination, she resides inside of one of the most powerful Ancients and often comes out to give her "audience" a show.

During my peaceful rest, I found myself in the same dark void after my first death. 

“Grandis?” I called out for the divine Ancient.

“Oh, Grandis isn’t in business right now~” A voice that I was sure sounded like Grandis playfully said.

I turned to my right and there she was, Grandis Houcinend, same as always, long brown hair and the Ancient brown robes,

“Grandis… This---”

She sighed, loudly,

“Does Grandis tell nobody that I EXIST?!”

“Uh… I’m sorry, who are you and why do you look like Grandis?”

“IDIOT!” She screamed and walked closer to me, “This IS Grandis! Well… The body at least. Right now, I am known as Lady Divinity. Smile for the camera, love.”

I looked around but all I could see was darkness,

“What camera?! This is just a---”

A sudden flash of light blinded my vision. In the confusion, I scrambled around and found myself directly in front of Lady Divinity, she looked down at me and said,

“You know, you can just call me Lady ‘Divine’ if you’d like. Even ‘miss’ or ‘madam’ will do.”

I pushed her away from me with surprising force,

“What the hell are you?!”

Lady Divine smiled smugly and waved her index finger at me,

“Now, now, boy the viewers didn’t like that~” She held a foam sword in her hand and pointed it at me, “kids are watching too.”

“You literally called me an---”

“No, that was before the camera began rolling,” knowing that I was speechless, she continued, “Now, I would like to ask a favor of you.”

I sighed, there was nothing else I could say to get out of this,

“What do you want?” I asked.

Lady Divine took a remote and aimed it behind it her,

“Don’t die.”

“Uh, what?”

She threw the remote away and smiled,

“Don’t. Die. It’s simple really, my audience demands a story that’ll entertain them with romance and excitement, not gruesomely murder the main character over and over again.”

I crossed my arms and turned away,

“And if I do die?”

Lady Divine chuckled and the whole void went blood red,

“Then, just for my delicious grown-ups, the big boys and girls, I’ll give them a perfect M -- R-rated movie. Understand?”

“W-What is that supposed to mean?!”

Lady Divine waved her fingers at me, 

“I’ll be in touch, Nel~!”

“W-Wait!”

Lady Divine---er---Grandis’ body, fell forward and floated in the air as the room changed back to the empty void.

“Ugh,” The body spoke as it floated up straight and began looking around, “This is…” She turned around and looked at me, “Bynel?!”

I looked up at her and tilted my head,

“Grandis? This is you this time, right?”

Grandis floated down to me,

“I’m guessing you met Divination?”

“Divination? She said her name was Divinity and from what I know, Divination isn’t related to Divinity or Divine in any way.”

Grandis crossed her arms and sighed loudly,

“Her name is Lady Divinity Divination. She’s resided in my body since the 5th Galactic War. How? Not even I am sure, I went through every single possibility, but it just doesn’t make any sense! Which means that whatever she did was very, very smart. She had to account for timelines and time itself to avoid my sight.”

“Right,” I nodded and exhaled, “let’s forget about Miss Divination for now and begin explaining my purpose.”

"What did she tell you, Bynel?

"Didn’t I just---"

Grandis’ hair glew a bright green color,

“This IS related! Just tell me!”

I sighed,

“She went on some viewers and audience nonsense and told me to not die.”

All of Grandis’ hair was now bright green, she glanced down, then looked back up at me,

“Just as I thought… Okay. It looks like we’ll have to speed this up…” 

“Speed what up?” I asked.

Grandis’ hands were surrounded with her green aura,

“Your purpose, Bynel, is to get close to Eidel. You’re going to become the teacher of the Demilisian Reconnaissance Force.”

“T-Teach? You want me… To teach a class of soldiers? Grandis, that’s impossible for me!”

Grandis stepped forward until the two of us were face to face,

“Which is why, Bynel, I’m going to give you… This.”

 Grandis raised her glowing hands in front of me and touched my face. The green glow changed the rooms color and blinded my eyes until all I could see were the flowing particles of Grandis’ Continuance Magic.

Author's Note

As a writer who focuses on dialogue and storytelling, I'd love to know if the dialogue is good and if it's easy to understand. Since this happens later in the story, don't worry about the development of characters so much.

Reviews

[JayG]

It’s best to post the opening because it’s the only spot in the story that needs no setup for the reader to provide context. If you don’t, and don’t provide a paragraph or three of set-up, you lose the reader, as you do here. I didn’t know who the characters are, what they are to each other, where they are in time and space, what they were talking about, or what’s going on.

Next: You never end a paragraph with a comma. You, and everyone you know has been choosing professionally written and prepared fiction since you learned to read. So the techniques the pros use are the ones they expect you to use. Remember, the reader has no way of knowing your intent. They have only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR background, not yours.

Next: There is no punctuation mark: !? If the people writing best sellers can get by with one punctuation mark per sentence so can you. The emotion belongs in your words and presentation, not your punctuation. In fact, in the 747 words of this post, which is around three standard manuscript pages, you use thirteen bangs. That’s the number you’ll find, total, in many novels.

That aside: Your dialog isn’t working because the characters use no senses other than sight and hearing. They toss dialog back and forth like a softball. Your protagonist never thinks things over, we never know what he’s hoping to accomplish, or what he thinks she is. He makes no estimates that would give the reader a hint as to what’s going on in his head. He makes no analysis, he just hears and immediately responds. But the primary strength of fiction on the page is that it can take the reader where film can’t go: into the protagonist’s head.

Think about yourself. Suppose someone ran into the room where you are and said, “I just heard you won the lottery.” Would you immediately reply, or would you react, analyze, and even think over the possibility that it was a joke? Wouldn’t you think back to the lotteries you might have entered? Wouldn’t you at least ask the person of they were certain? Your characters aren’t doing that. They just act or respond as the script dictates. So the only one who knows why is you. But who did you write this for? The reader. Shouldn’t they know what the protagonist does, as he knows it? He is their avatar, after all. So he should be more than just the character you talk about

Take a look at this article:
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

It’s a condensation of one the best methods I know of for placing the reader into the protagonist’s viewpoint. And that’s what the reader comes to you for. They’re not looking for knowledge of the events and the dialog. They’re looking for the protagonist’s understanding of them, so they can understand why he does and says what he does. It’s his struggle to control his destiny that matters, and what makes the reader care. We can’t cheer for the protagonist if we don’t know his goal.

The events are what tests the protagonist and motivates him to act. But it’s his moment-to-moment battle, and what's going on inside that causes him to speak and act that hooks the reader. BUt... the writing skills we’re given in our school days are incapable of that task because the endless reports and essays you were assigned made you proficient in writing reports and essays, NOT fiction. Fiction-Writer is the title of a profession, and ALL professions are acquired IN ADDITION to our schooldays skills. So although we’re not aware of it, we are exactly as well prepared to write a novel as to perform surgery when we graduate.

So it’s not a matter of talent or potential. It’s that you’re in the position Mark Twain was talking about when he said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” And that’s fixable.

As an example, You’re having the narrator use first person pronouns in an attempt to write the story in first person and make it seem more immediate. But while first person is the name we give to the pronouns you’re using, they do NOT create the feeling of immediacy, because the only one using them isn’t-on-the-scene.

Pronouns denote person, not viewpoint. And in this, the only viewpoint is the narrator’s. But the narrator isn’t on the scene, only talking ABOUT it. Who cares what pronouns the narrator uses? Claiming to once have lived the events being discussed is irrelevant to the action taking place. Telling is telling, no matter the personal pronouns. The narrator can use any personal pronouns they care to. The one living the scene doesn’t use them other than in dialog. And if that statement seems confusing, it’s because you’re missing the knowledge of craft that the working fiction writer takes for granted.

At the moment you’re focused on what you visualize as happening in the scene, and presenting it in a way that’s fact-based and author-centric. You’re TELLING the reader a story. And because you know the characters, their background, the situation, and what you plan for the scene, that outside-in approach you’re using works…for you. But only you can hear emotion in the protagonist’s voice. And because you do know the story and the characters before you begin writing, that outside-in approach means that if you forget to include something that a reader needs you won’t see the problem because your mind automatically fills in the “blanks.” And you can’t fix a problem you don’t see as being one.

Bottom line: There’s a LOT to writing fiction that’s not obvious. And reading fiction no more teaches us to write it than eating teaches us to cook. That doesn’t say you can’t be a successful writer, only that if your goal is to please readers who are used to the work of the pros, you need to acquire those skills for yourself.

That article I suggested will help. The writing articles in my blog may help you get a better feel for what you need to look into. But in the end, as with any field, go with the pro. Hit the local library’s fiction writing section and devour a half dozen books on the nuts-and-bolts techniques. And while you’re there, keep an eye out for the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. They’re pure gold.

I know this isn't what you were hoping to hear. But it is what you need to know, and you did ask, so...
Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/