Chapter 1

August 19 2021

I’ve been thinking about death lately. 

Is that really true? Or am I just saying that to sound more deep or interesting. Actually, that has been on my mind. How much of my life has been honest? I guess that’s pretty close to thinking about death. It is something that would run through your mind near the end of one’s life. I guess I’m worried I haven't lived for myself. Something we all dread at some points in our life. If not in the middle but perhaps at the end. I’ve definitely done a lot for me or so it seems. However, I don’t feel honest. It’s a strange feeling or thought to have after living 30 years in this flesh. What is honesty though? Maybe we should start there. Your definition of honesty surely influences the way you feel about how honest you have been to yourself. 

As Webster's Dictionary puts it:

Honesty (noun) 

Hon.es.ty

Plural honesties

Definition of honesty

1. Adherence to the facts: SINCERITY

2. Fairness and straightforwardness of conduct

3. Any of a genus (Lunaria) of European herbs of the mustard family with toothed leaves and flat disk-shaped siliques 

4. Obsolete: CHASTITY

I think the most curious definition is that it is an herb. Herbs offer flavour and spice and are healing and nutritious. I think that’s honesty. Offers something to stimulate the senses and ultimately nurture the soul. 

I’ve been making myself smile more lately. Not a genuine smile. A forced smile focused on flexing the muscles in my face. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day. It looked as though a frown had been plastered on my face. I didn't think I spent so much time frowning to now have a permanent droop to my smile lines. I look stupid when i do it but my face feels tight and stuck in this downward droop. As if the weight of my decisions are slowly imprinting themselves on my face. 

I started writing a formal bucket list today. 

I guess I have been thinking about death lately.