These words reverberate in my head while drudging home after another normal day at school.
F****t. Idiot. Alone.
My Mom`s "New School, New You" plan didn't work as I told her a million times.
But of course she didn't listen. No one ever listens to me. Because I`m different.
Because I`m A Failure. Obnoxious. Quiet. A Loner. Atheist. Liberal. Emo. Lanky.
My name is Conner, and this is my life.
My name is Conner, and no one will miss me.
I walk through the halls, late again. No one even noticed. My excuse was that I forgot my math homework, I haven`t used that one in a while. I`m usually late for 1st period on Mondays, that way I can avoid having my face plunged into a toilet by him. His name is Jacob, and he is my Superior, as he likes to make me say.
He is the bane of my existence. He is my "bully".
His excuse is, "I`m only jokin'" to any who asks. I do his homework, pay for his food, take his punches, normally to the stomach and back. But if I forget the homework, then "I go to the ocean". He makes me take my clothes off so when I get home they will be dry. And my excuse is "hard day at gym class" for when my mom asks.
I don`t know if my mom cares, or even knows. And speaking of my mom, I have to tell Jacob about how much I hate her, and I have to joke about my Dad`s death. These are the worst days for me.
Until One Day.
I walk into class. I see Him. I snap. I break away. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. All my pain, all my suffering, for him. Dissipated in two loud bangs.
He was the bane of my existence. But now, He and I are in better places.
I get really sad emotions from this. Pain and suffering should not happen to any of us but it does, this makes us suicidal at times and I love that you portrayed that. I also liked that you put on something that is happening now school shooting. I just wish this kind of stuff didn't happen its so sad and hard for me to talk about or write about so bravo for doing just that. One thing though please try to make something more full of life, something happy or just something mildly sad. I am not a big fan of depressing things it makes me sad.
Given that this is a poem, and a short work - I found myself surprisingly invested in the character. It's certainly a message and I think the one word sentences at the start is attention grabbing, which works very well. I think this would be a cool piece to be read aloud, though the ending might not work as well... *shrug* It's a good poem, honestly, it tells a story and tells it well.
Dam,, the ending here...gets right at it..point blank...I liked this read from start to finish...a polish write...the way you take the reader and give the view point of what is happening to him and his surrounding...the ending has that, I'm mad as Hell, and I'm not taking it anymore...feel...and drifts the story to the edge of no return...well-played out...only question --- did you want it to end so abruptly...or was that your intent...
Posted 10 Years Ago
10 Years Ago
I did intend this to end abruptly. Because in a real life scenario thats how quickly something like .. read moreI did intend this to end abruptly. Because in a real life scenario thats how quickly something like that would play out. A matter of two bangs.
10 Years Ago
I understood from the vantage point...like an accident in the wings...you get in a car and make a ri.. read moreI understood from the vantage point...like an accident in the wings...you get in a car and make a right and wham...of course, this is a different scenario...
This was a really open and very real occurrence for some. There's just so much pain, and anger in this yet it's all kept inside and bottled up. The worst part is that there are many people out there who walk around with no "life" left inside of them. And no fight to keep going. Really good write. I enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing with us on the cafe!
John this really seem like came from deepest part of your heart, how many kids go through such a pain every day and then we hear a big news on TV...this work of your is deep, raw, pure and truly honest write. Good job my friend
Creative and frightening, I'm not into violence writings or suicide. The interpretation could be a mystery of why the victim killed the bully and then the victim probably killed himself to avoid and ended in red tape.
I got the emotion. You are very good about putting your feelings into writing. Now, focus on the details. This story is great if you're going for fast fiction. If you wanted a short story, I want a little more detail. More backstory, more backdrop, and help me understand more about his poor kid. Like I said. It all depends what you're going for here. If you wanted flash fiction. You absolutely nailed it. If you were going for a short story, I want more. I comes with time and practice and I still need to work on it. It's something I'm super critical about with my own writing. I'm trying to double the length of each of my chapters. So far it hasn't worked, but we'll see how it turns out. Keep going, keep practicing, and write on!
Posted 10 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
10 Years Ago
i was mainly going for fast fiction, I've always tried to say a lot without using a lot of words. Th.. read morei was mainly going for fast fiction, I've always tried to say a lot without using a lot of words. Thanks for your review.
Best Regards
John Ryan