Bright of Sight, Bright of Mind

For Emma's picture competition - re: the Avatar - if my star has cheated, disqualify her!!

 

 

 

 

A star shines brightly in the heavens;

Just one stands solitary as

others dance melancholy

attendance upon her.

 

Her beauty outshines

The firmament;

She is bright,

so knows

it!

 

John L. Berry    12 November 2008

Author's Note

One or two people have suggested minor alterations to this . One I have used (and/so) but others requiring additions were not as this is a nonet - syllable by line reduction 9 to 1

Reviews

[Sharon Miller Bolander]

Yours is a fitting poem for the picture where one star outshines all the others. I liked the shape of your poem (due to the form) and especially the lines, "Just one stands solitary as others dance melancholy attendance upon her." If I'd change anything at all, it would be using "and" instead of "so" in the next to last line. Sharon

[Emily Rose]

I'm baaaaaack! (If only for a little tiny while) This is great, John! The image is sweet, especially given the format of the poem. One little suggestion, though: perhaps "the others dance IN melancholy/attendance around her"? The way it is doesn't really seem clear; I think you need some kind of preposition in there, and the good thing about "in" is that it won't lengthen the line too much and mess up your form. Good job as always!

[Mark]

Might I suggest, "Others dance A melancholy", or "Others dance THEIR melancholy", in order to make your from-9-to-1 syllabic consistent? I see you are a poet who enjoys creating crafting challenges for himself, just for the joy of seeing if you can. I have approached (and occasionally tweaked!) older, established forms with an explorers' gusto, just to see if I could, but yet haven't gotten to the point of creating NEW forms! I suspect you may already know this, but if you like inspiring photos of celestial objects, Rick Puetter sent me a link to a database of Halley photos that are just breathtaking.Can I hook you up?
Thanks for an interesting read, John!

[April Child]

The words match the picture suitably and speak of love and admiration and with a witty flourish at the end. Cute!

[Michael]

I like how you leave the metaphor open, it gives the reader the ability to "fill-in the blank" so to speak. The line reduction gives it an interesting format. Often tricks like that take away from a poem but you do it right and it adds to the enjoyment.

Very nice write.

[Emily B]

We must find something like a star
to stay our minds on and be staid
--Robert Frost

Your words reach a lovely height.

[Lily1111]

An enchanting little gem here, captivating in its charm. Love the flow and interesting format.

[None]

A very beautiful poem. This would make a great affirmation as well but belongs in the sky. This poem of yours is shiny and lovely, or better yet--brilliant!

[James Jason Dye]

The star in an upside down triangle has negative connotations to me symbolically but the poem itself is beautiful.

[Wondering Mind]

Lovely flow and fine format to a wonderfully woven cognitive metaphor

[An owl on the moon]

Love the gently moving flow of your words, falling like starlight... Emotionally bright, bringing the stars alive in the heavens. Wonderful read!

Craig