The Calm of The Mountain

My mom once said, out of all of her  children, I was the easiest baby.

I was thinking what she meant was I was the one that rarely cried or threw baby like tantrums, and was just sound asleep.

Which I guess was a good thing for her?

As the Fifth of 7, she had a lot to deal with before she could get to me. So I, made it easier on her. And kept on doing it as I grew up and as the years have passed.

If one of my siblings dropped their drink or their ice cream, I'd always used to give them mine so they wouldn't make a scene.

When someone had to it in the middle seat, you can always tell that that's where my car seat would be strapped.

In the forth grade when a classmate has stolen my food from my lunch box, I just shrugged and ate what was left.

Everyone used to call me "Jabal al Zageer" which means little mountain in Arabic.

Because I was never bothered or moved just always calm and collected.

In high school, I broke my wrist and I didn't tell anyone for a whole month!

I just gritted my teeth and held my tears from the pain and continued throughout my day.

Until my father once found me crying in front of my bedrooms window.

He rushed me off to the nearest hospital for treatment and bought me a cast that we barley could afford!

And when the other students at the school called me a cripple or useless.

Well, you can guess what I did right?

Late on towards the final years of high school, my little sister was getting picked on by some older boys, I just pretended that I didn't even see it happen. But later that night as I saw her crying in her bedroom while still wearing the schools uniform, I went to her to calm her down and to start walking with me or to come and find me between classes.

And as you guessed, she stopped being teased, and I continued my normal life for he rest o the year as she did hers.

When my science professor lost my test that I have worked real hard to study for and made me retake it, I just nodded and did it anyways since there was nothing else to do.

When I was bullied just by walking across the campus, I just looked straight and ignored and kept on walking.

And then you.

The first day you came up to me and offered to buy me a cup of coffee and a muffin, I was sure that you were just scramming me to.

So i stayed quiet,

Eventually, you took my breath away with your blinding smile and told me, "I guess ill take that as a yes please then"

I think i only said like 3 or 2 word to you that day, but I did gave you my number and always answered whenever you called or messaged.

At first, I thought that you just thought that i was gullible and shy. But as time passed and the day and months went on and things go more serious, you started to get upset whenever I didn't tell you things.

When I lose my part-time job and started skipping lunch breaks to afford my textbooks, I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would upset you.

I was right, right?

As I figured, you were so mad when you figured it out!

HERE! you yelled at me as you you were shoving money into my hand!

TAKE IT! I don't need it!! You know that I have a scholarship, you knew my parents always sends me money if I ever need it, and you KNEW that I always would support you, so take the goddamn money!

I was in-awe as I just stood there, I had never had someone yell at m while doing something nice before.

When you have noticed how stunned and shocked I was, you softened your voice.

Please, It hurts me to see you starving yourself, please it pains me to see you struggle, please the the money. And for the first time ever, I talked back and asked: "why?"

You smiled and hugged me saying: " because I love, you idiot"

I took the money from you but snuck most of it back into your purse that night when you were asleep.

For most of our relationship we never fought, when your friend tried to be middle with e by saying that you were cheating on me, (I knew you hadn't, she was just jealous of what we had).

When he told m, I just stood there and started at her, didn't start throwing fits or cry or demand proof, that kind of freaked her out to see that i was so calm about it.

She kept trying to convince me, but  just stayed calm and smiled the whole time until she eventually gave up and admitted the truth and left me.

Late on, you came to me and told me that you couldn't believe how amazing I was that you have trusted me so much when your friend told you the story!

The truth was,  I had no idea if it was true or not, I just didn't react because I knew if I did it wouldn't change the outcome. And I learned that staying calm and collected in situations like that or most situations game me the power to control the outcome.

Our marriage, too barley had any fights, maybe some disagreements here and there but that's about it, if you didn't clean the dishes like you said you would, I would. And when you noticed that I'd done any of your chores, you felt so bad that that you do some of mine and buy me gifts to show how sorry you were.

When our children misbehaved I never raid my voice or my arm or yelled or made a scene, I just asked them what they did and eventually they would cave in and apologize.

Our oldest daughter told me once that it'd be much less scarier if I'd just shout at them like mom did.

I always figured that I'd stay like I have always been. Just calm, quiet, nonreactive peacemaker, for the rest of my life because this is who I am this is how i grew up to be.

But you changed that..

You jerk!!

When you died!

When you died, It was like that frozen mountain of emotional outbursts inside of me melted and exploded all at once!

Nobody and I mean NO-ONE! expected it when I was started screaming and sobbing at your funeral! my younger sister and older brother tried to take me outside, and I pushed her and punched him in the jaw!

I apologized later of course

You'd hardly recognize me now.. I think.

Its a lot harder for me to stare blankly now and not think of you and take things, because I keep remembering you saying: "stand up for yourself! You deserve better my love".

But... your not here anymore to tell me that or to stand up for me...

Or for our kids..

I don't know how to describe it, really I don't..

What changed the moment you departed from existence, its like I was blue for a moment and red on the next moment.

Hard as ice before I melted into a hurricane, I was a mess for 3 to 4 years I think. Before I managed to get everything under control again.

But even now, I'm not like I was, I'm still calm, rational and think before I speak.

But if anything or anyone threatens our children or their happiness, I know I have to be the one to protect them.

And as anyone whos gone mountain climbing knows. The serene snow-covered peaks that looked tranquil from a distance, are the deadliest!

Reviews

[June bug]

Awesome imagery and detail in this write....
Keep writing always

[Joey Nizz]

Thank you very much for your honest opinion and for you're time reviewing this writing.

[Rassoul]

Keep up the good work !!

[Joey Nizz]

Thank you and I appreciate your time to view this piece.