On Rainy Days

What do you fear most? How can you overcome it when you are already said to be crazy?

Can I ask you a question? When it rains, what do you exactly feel? Do you feel happy because it will show you a rainbow after? Or are you pissed because you’ll feel pestered by it again? But it will be different for me on rainy days, because I will feel happiness, sadness and loneliness at the same time. Why would I feel those? Because on rainy days, it is a good time to harbor forgotten and lost feelings.

And like how rain changes the course of the day, a gentleman, whom just like rain, had changed mine forever. However, not in a way where he and I fell in love for each other but it was like how he managed to keep me and became the closest friend I have and still have.

One late afternoon of April, I sat down in the usual café where we used to hang out, to write another entry to one of my stories and it was a right time for me to wait for him �" for the reason it rained that day. The day was typical, people were busy buzzing latest things on the internet, students were busy studying for their bar exams and me, I just waited for that lousy man to turn up.

“Ohh, sorry, I thought it wasn’t going to rain so I just walked from my apartment to here.”

I gave no reply since I was already aware to him being dense and nonsense, so I just offered my seat and he then showed me a picture of a girl, she was very familiar that I remembered the first day I met this lousy person.

Just like today, it was raining and I can remember everything from what I felt that day. I was silently sitting alone in a waiting shade, had been succumbing my tears because they were falling like raindrops but it was different since those raindrops were allowed to cry their hardest but for me I was forbidden to do anything, since I was at fault.

“What will you do then, the rain will almost stop by now?” He asked me but I kept my ears shut.

                But with my silence and pride, he hugged me and said nothing. He patted my head and embraced me like a child’s toy.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked me as I wiped off my tears.

“Probably,” I paused and looked at him, “Why are you doing this?”

“Me? I haven’t really got the picture of why I’m making you happy but when I saw you, I just had the feel to do it.”

“What are you exactly?” I asked.

“Let’s just say, I’m a friend.”

I looked at him, straight to those pale stares, his complexion was quite different but he wasn’t a vampire heartthrob or anything he was just a complete stranger who happened to put a smile on my dead face. But just like any other stranger, he too, went away from my grasped or so I thought.

“Let’s go, the rain has stopped.”

“People are also like that too, grabbing the opportunity when one is done or gone.”

“What are you saying? People are people; you won’t change them even if you want to.”

“Nee,” I paused “what is happiness?”

And I could remember after I asked him that question he laughed so hard and glanced at me and said:

“Instead of asking what happiness is, you should ask ‘what do you fear the most?’ because people will have a hard time finding a correct answer to your question. So, let’s go.”

Under one small umbrella, he had change me from who I was before and he was able to knocked my walls down since that was the only thing I asked for that night, a night to forget who I was and what I did.    Ever since I was thankful for his arrival, but on the second thought, I was just slight thankful after knowing him being so dense and nonsense and he didn’t know how to shut up when he needs to, a restless bird with an annoying characteristic that was he was. And with the snap of his fingers, I was pulled back into reality.

“Are you listening, Jan?” he looked at me “Well, she’s Francis Jan, 23 years old, also she’s a lawyer and a writer like you.”

“What do you mean with all this, Arvin?” I looked at him with curiosity, “Do you want me to meet an old acquaintance?”

“Oh c’mon, you’re my best friend since childhood and you don’t want to meet the only person I’m ready to settle down with?”

“Are you nuts or peanuts? I don’t have any issues of you getting married, and to tell you the truth you should settle down since you’re already at the boundary line of old bachelors.”

“Hey, being bachelor on his 30’s isn’t so bad �" I live young and �"“

“Foolish… the only problem is that you want me to meet your bride?”

“Yes, and please be good to her. I’ll beg.”

I looked at his eyes and I was convinced he wasn’t kidding, Arvin was finally going to settle down after his failed proposal, and finally grabbed someone to love to. I smiled for reassurance but I wasn’t sure enough if I can keep up on his request. The person involved was …an old acquaintance.

“Long time no see!” Francis greeted me with pleasure and even kissed me on the cheek.

“Actually, you don’t need to pretend, Fran.” I uttered

“Eh, you already know each other?” Arvin blindly asked.

“She hasn’t told you yet? Oh pity, Arvin John Cruz-Morata, well Francis here your bride, was actually my best friend in high school.” And a change in my voice was noticeable and sarcastic.

  Right, she was my best friend. A friend that I thought I could rely on, but just like any other acquaintance, she was gone. But now she’s back, back to be my best friend’s bride, how cool is that? When Arvin left us both in the restaurant, I knew from the start that there was lava boiling and after he went off, she went off as well.

“I never imagine you were actually his best friend. What kind of joke is this?”

“And I was shocked, knowing that you captured his heart. Congratulations!” and sounded with utter sarcasm.

“Wow, are you mad because I was able to do that to you?”

“No, why should I be? You make him smile and happy so what’s wrong with that?”

“What are you exactly in his life?”

“I am his best friend. Just like you back in high school.”

“Oh for Pete sake, high school’s gone and done, you should at least move on.”

“I was able to move on; move on from the memories you had with me and believe me that issue between us was also gone.”

“That’s great then. Let’s be friends for his sake then.”

“But I will never give my blessings even if it will cause me our friendship because you’re judgments stayed like pest in my head for 8 years, Fran.”

She was stunned and speechless, and I was quiet, I didn’t do anything because whenever I open my mouth I would just spout nonsense.

“I was so scared and hurt but you never came and just left me faced all those pain alone. Hate me or despise me, I hope you’ll be satisfied. I know when I lied I was wrong and should be put to hell, but you’re my best friend �" that friend who should’ve understood me. But you weren’t.” I stood before her, “I have no intentions of fabricating my emotions, just tell him I’ll call him after.”

And back again in my comfort zone, I sat silently in the waiting shed to shed tears. I originally wanted to act cool but then, it had been 8 years but still it was the same I still wanted to hug her and be her friend again but I guess I was scorned to the deepest hell.

“Are you done?” Arvin asked as he handed down his handkerchief “Just use it all you want, I won’t be a bother.”

“Thank you and you’re not welcome. She told me everything, and you actually mocked at her. What are you thinking? Are you that selfish? I was just asking, for once and you can’t give that?”

“She deserves it.” I whispered.

“That’s why I don’t get girls, you want me to marry someone but you want to remain forever like this? C’mon, Jan, we ain’t kids anymore. Stop pretending you are reading that book to avoid this conversation, I want this girl and you being my best friend needs to accept her. Please, I beg you.”

“Why should it be me, Arv? You can ask me to do anything, eat with you, live with you in the mountains or play like a crazy woman to be your subject but I will never ever talk to her… not again.”

“And as to why?”

“Because… because she brings memories that I’ve forgotten!”

“Unbelievable, for Pete’s sake it was 8 years ago and to begin with you won’t lose her if you didn’t lie. C’mon be reasonable, are you staking my wedding because of that endless ego? Now, I want you to fix this, right now.”

“I won’t.”

He sighed heavily, “You are pulling my hair out.”

Then all of the sudden, he hugged me and said;

“Kids like you should be punished but kids like me should be kicked out. I already know why you don’t want to meet her because all this time you never removed her or even forgotten her. You unconsciously check her website and indirectly ask updates about her. You can’t lie to me because I know you well enough to say you are fabricating your emotions. Jan, we aren’t kids anymore and the first person who forgives is the strongest.”

“I did, Arv. A long time ago, I already forgave her but she never did, not even once accepted any of my apologies. I tried to contact her but she was ear shut, she won’t listen even if I scream. I don’t harbor resentments I just don’t know how to handle this kind of situation, especially those situations.”

And ever since that day, he never bothered me on seeing his bride, it was a pain since their wedding was sooner than I thought. But I didn’t have the guts to talk to Francis and especially not to Arvin.  I was a coward, I was hiding too long in my so-called ‘optimism’ and I was too blinded not to see and deaf not to hear, until I lost both of them…

“Arv, you are not going to talk to me, right?”

He just looked at me and said nothing, I knew that my ego was too much but there was no other way for me to fix it not unless I just disappear. So recklessly, I packed my things and left him a letter, but my attempt to disappear caused bigger troubles not to Arvin alone but to my family as well.

“What were you thinking?!” he shouted and it would be the first time I saw him that mad.

“I was…”

“You know what, she was right about you. You only think of yourself you self centered b***h!”

“What did you just call me?” I slowly asked.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t-”

“Yes, she was right. I was a b***h and I am a b***h. You know, Arvin, when I was in grade twelve, there was this professor he was young, single and brainiac not to mention with captivating looks and there was me young and naïve, fool for love and you know what’s next? I fell for that professor we had a secret relationship which led me into lying, because I hated to disappoint those people around me especially my best friend. But then, it wasn’t my choice to be in the relationship, he pushed himself to mine, kissed me like he had forgotten who he was and the best part, he played the fool out of me. So, when I can no longer take the pain, I told her everything but I was neglected and forgotten.”

“I knew that already, you’ve me that in one of our sessions.”

“No, you don’t know because ever since I didn’t have any courage to change the course of my life ever since that day and the answer to your question was… I was actually afraid to be alone because I never experienced such.”

He looked at me with pity but I knew he will just looked at me like an old patient he needed to diagnose, as far as I can remembered Arvin was a psychiatrist and for  a long time I didn’t asked him about a single thing or two about what he did, until recently…

I woke up in a white room with my mom talking to a familiar face; it was my best friend who just became a psychiatrist and me being his patient.

“She’s in a serious case of delusions, ma’am and I’ve tried methods to help her but she’s getting worse. I have been her doctor for three years but her depression was already present for the last eight years and still it wasn’t cured, so I am going to ask you, is there anyone you can think of to free her from this condition?”

Right, I wasn’t a friend I was patient for eight years and I’ve started my therapy just three years ago because of a break down, I wasn’t aware that my darkest secret was the cause of this and not even my mom knew about it. But I played along, since with that I will finally see a long lost intimate friend who neglected to see me. But then, I knew I wasn’t crazy, because I was still able to go on café and live my life and earn money or so I guessed.

Unnerved and motionless my mom gave me an embrace, she was crying and Arvin was standing beside her, I wanted to ask her as to why but my mind had already stopped working. I want to grabbed hold to her face but I couldn’t move as I please so I just stared,

“Jan, this is my last visit,” she paused and choked herself “Mom, needs to move on, too, right?”

“Mom,” I finally had the control to speak,

“Yes?” and lit of hope was shown in her eyes

“Am I crazy?” and her tears just flowed into her face.

And on rainy days, I would found myself sitting on the usual café were people �" like me hanged out. And I usually like a hobby where I harbor feelings and memories, whether it was fake or just an illusion, and putting them into my head as if they were real. At least, for the very least, I would feel I am not alone not in this time.

The End