Guilt of A Broken Family

My father left to love another woman, to love other kids. He had demons of his own he fought against and this is how it continues to affect me and my disorders.

Steady my hands as they shake, watching my fingernails as they bleed.

Find me in my room with the curtains closed,

Wandering around just trying to breathe.

With lungs that can hold so much smoke,

You’d think I could manage the most basic of instincts.

I cough on my own breath; it’s a foreign chemical my body cannot process.

I’m still trying to figure out why my chest cracks when I hear your name.

When I feel like this; when I feel like I could’ve been better for you and our family,

It hurts my heart.

So I bite my lip instead of screaming and crying out.

Tasting dirty pennies in placement of a voice I don’t recognize as my own,

My fist meets the door at the perfect moment.

They collide until I don’t feel numb;

Until I feel something.

Until I feel the physical hurt, instead of 

this tightness in my chest.

What would you tell me- besides that I’m acting like you.

Would you say sorry for leaving again,

            for making me feel like trust is just this thing grown-ups make up?

Like Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy.

Like Frenchie says in the movie 'Grease'

“The only man a girl can depend on is her daddy.”

I hope things have changed for you, daddy.

I hope you change for them, for her kids.

They're too young to see you struggle to 

put that bottle down like I did.

But, tell me the truth this time daddy.

Did you try to numb your pain so I wouldn't see it?

So that your baby peanut wouldn't think any less of 

her father,the solider?

 

Now when I close my eyes to try and get some sleep,

All I see is blood pouring from my arms and 

you crying on your knees because to me, 

I drove you away.

You became the reason I can't get behind the wheel without crying.

You became the reason I'm torn between families.

You became the reason I'm hurting this time.

 

But, I’m glad you’re not here to see that anymore.

I don't hate you, I can't bring myself to do it.

How would I be able to hate the person 

who makes up half of me?

I still love you, Dad. Every part of your past, present, and future.

I still love you.

Author's Note

Ignore grammar problems, What did you think of references to movies/fairytales?, Do you think there was too much repetition?

Reviews

[Antoñyo]

Don't worry about repetition now while so young, master the 'feel' of pure emotion and the flow of word use...Let grammar and grace take its natural place in your development over the coming years...'disorders' need no additional pressures.
That being said: Wow, this is a powerful piece with familiar content yet written with different twist.
The little box below only allowed 100, grrr

[Deekay mavhunga]

quite frankly. .this poem brought me to tears.. splendid piece of writing..your future in poetry seems vividly bright..Please review my poems as well.please review my poems as well

[Hailey Juliet]

This is a very well written piece! I thought your references were very effective hearkening back to concepts of your childhood. To our parents, we will always be children, the references hit home that effect. This is such honest poetry, heartfelt, sincere, and real. You really open yourself up and put your feelings, thoughts and emotions on display. It is admirable, inspiring and something truly magnificent to behold. Thank you!

[Justine Johnston]

No, thank you!