Snippet *6

Snippet *6

Crawling, deep beneath your skin, digging down deep.

Arteries snap, breaths clasp for air, silence.

Cold tiles touch, you don't feel, it's here

Silence approaches, its hell-talons firm

Your hollow scream ends, you drift meaningless 

Towards the ever encroaching silence.

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Can you hear the Silence?

22ND June 2010

Author's Note

I'm back and have been working on something for quite a while now. Can you hear the Silence?

Reviews

[Aekmy]

I completely agree with Yann Bellemare! But without the critique part. You did wonderful.

[@zeewhykay]

I like !
The way the paragraph is clogged with broken sentences really gives it a feel. The imagery is visionary "Cold tiles touch, Arteries snap, breaths clasp" and my favorite "its hell-talons firm"

haha that was sweet !

On the critique side, I thought the 4th line could possibly avoid using Silence again, maybe "It approaches, hell-talons firm" , you know better than I do. I just didn't feel like hearing silence again after that second line.

Sick sick work !

[MiidniightSoul]

Wow, this is such a well written poem. Very powerful. I love it ^__^

[a]

Purely cliche, yet attractive, although you should pay attention, i think, to less overwhelming the dull motion of one image; and that is what has happened here - the potential idea is overused.

Your language is rich, but you could expend the range of imagery, to give it more motion and influential power, make a contrast, that pulls the silent, dark scream out of the sack.

Thank you!

P.S. Spotted some typos, e.g., 'beneath you skin'

[Shalini Dinesh]

a very power full poem, but sorry I couldn't hear silence, maybe thats why it is called SILENCE...
Very good poem.

[An owl on the moon]

There is a depth and darkness that flows so powerfully through your imagery here. A feeling of destruction and lostness... Good to have you back and writing again!

[...]

... very powerful ... bites ... cuts ... slices ... shreds ... it's a deafening silence ... brilliant work ...