For God's Sake

Everyone has their own inner demons, their own struggles they fight everyday.

For God’s Sake

Sometimes we make the biggest mistakes when we are desperate. Desperate for help that we don’t know how to ask for. Sometimes we try to rely on someone we thought would be there, who could support us, but then we find that they were the wrong person. Sometimes we are so lost in the darkness of ourselves that we can’t see the way out. The ways that we do see, are never the healthiest either. We try so hard to find in someone that understanding we crave, that compassion that they may be able to help and support you. Give you the answers and reasons that you cannot find on your own. Sometimes we trust the wrong people. We rely on the wrong people. We tell the wrong people. In the end we just get hurt more, but you are so numb that you almost don’t realize until it is too late and you watch the blood run down your skin, and you put the razor blade away as a sick sense of relief floods you. Sometimes you don’t know how to ask for help. You’re too scared, and you are too convinced that you can fix it on your own. That you can manage everything alone. Maybe, it is just for the sake of others, though. Maybe you just don’t want to hurt or inconvenience anyone with your problems. Maybe you don’t believe that you are worthy of their help, but you would do anything to help them. Maybe you are too empathetic to others, and try to take their pain away to help them, but you are only hurting yourself far worse than you already are. Perhaps you are too selfless, perhaps you don’t even know how to care about yourself and your own well-being. Maybe you gave your heart away to your family and friends. It does not beat for you. Only for them. But you can feel its ache and strain of the stress you are putting on yourself as you only acknowledge and try to help the problems of others, and you do not learn to cope with your own.

            Sometimes it’s easier to ignore the disaster of your own life, and try to clear the disaster of someone else’s life. Sometimes you feel as though you can go through life being happy as long as those around you are happy. It is not for yourself. You may be alone, you may be lost, and you may be numb. But as long as your loved ones are smiling around you, then you get some kind of happiness, some joy. However, the outcome for you is still the same. At night the darkness seeps in, and the devil you work so hard to suppress each and every day comes out to whisper in your ear. Only this time you let him in. This time you listen. That is what leads you to do the things you shouldn’t. But sometimes you are so numb that it almost seems that you have no choice. It’s like a reflex and you can’t control it. No one understands, they don’t listen. You don’t even know how to go to them. How to ask for help. Sometimes you try, and that person leaves you hanging on a string waiting for them. Telling you that you can talk to them, they can help, but then they never come around and it seems like you’re forgotten. Like always, you are disposable. You do everything for everyone around you, and because you never ask for anything in return, because you don’t rely on others as much as they rely on you, they see no value in truly extending their hand when you painstakingly ask for it. The only help you find is in that devil on your shoulder, and the razor blade in your hand. You don’t care if it scars, you don’t care about anything. Because you don’t care enough about yourself. But if someone gave you the ultimatum to stop for their sake, you would do everything in your power to. But it’s still not for yourself.

            What does that make you? Human. Everyone makes mistakes. But is it still a mistake when you do it over and over again?  Sometimes there are things you can handle on your own. Sometimes you are strong enough. Sometimes you are weak. And sometimes you need to ask for help. But how do you do that? When sometimes the biggest mistakes are in that moment of desperation for help, for support. Sometimes you just need to take that first step. Sometimes you need to be more upfront. Sometimes you find the people that you need to cut out of your life. You can find your courage if you dig down deep, you can care. Maybe not about yourself, but for the sake of someone else that cares for you. The best you can do is try. At least that. For God’s sake.