Interloper

Depression is a liar
A liar especially good at convincing you its not.
It is a thing that spiders its way in,
with a cluster of bad thoughts that are not mine.
A knotted mess like tangled wires.

Anxiety is a demon

A demon as restless as a bad storm,
crashing waves and rustling leaves.
It whispers to me when I try to sleep,
that I am not a good person, that I am alone, moreso that I am weak.

I want to be alone.
Because I am weak.
Because I am not a good person, or so I think.

I feel detached, as if I am watching myself do things.

My arms, my legs, and their arbitrary movements
seem funny when viewed through the lens of someone else.
A funny, strange, unsettling reality show.
I am drunk, but not the fun kind of drunk.
Not the kind of drunk that dances, or laughs

or bumps into things and spills coke cigarette-butt cocktails on the floor

I want to be alone
Because I am weak
Because I am not a good person, or so I think.

Fear is my closest friend.
One I've known for most of my life.
We talk often, of life, of death,
of failure and resentment.

Fear is an interloper

that seeps into my skin.

A cancerous plague that makes me finger the blinds to see outside,

from the comfort of my chair and my television.

I want to be alone
Because I am weak
Because I am not a good person, or so I think.

   

-J.L Hunter (2018)