Shame

I wrote a song called 'Shame' for my band. I decided to write a poem based off it.

If I could pull the Earth from its axis
to drain the colour from her cheek,
Turned my tongue into knots
Far too flustered to speak

Perhaps we'd had too much
as I couldn't tell what she was saying,
But when our lips first touched,
She just assumed that I was staying

Leant against a table,
Backed up against a wall
Fingers under dresses,
She could've had it all

But now she's gotten restless,
And I never asked her why,
Then she just stopped calling...
I never asked her why

But yet I'd still go back for more,

I know that things won't change,

Even when your heart's been burned before,

Because in love, you feel no shame.

Author's Note

The last stanza intentionally upsets the rhythm.
As with the repetition of 'asked her why'.
Any comments or feedback are greatly appreciated

Reviews

[Gleb Zavlanov]

Like Dardon said, this is fitting for a song, especially since you have a band. You asked for suggestions, and here they are:

Second line of the last stanza:

To try love to reclaim...

'asked her why':

As if her voice did die...

Other than that, this poem was great!

[JKHughes]

Thanks for your input, I'll take it on board:)

[Craig2591]

I am not a poet and don't feel qualified to review it. But I certainly identify with the message in this piece. Been there.

[RealistMe]

Just to warn you in advance, I'm not a big fan of rhyming poems. As my Creative Writing teachers and professors taught me years ago, rhyming poems are very generic and sing-songy. You end up spending more time trying to make each line rhyme rather than letting it naturally flow. If it happens to naturally rhyme, that's cool.

Meanwhile, like you already said, the last stanza upsets the rhythm. You need to choose either "but," or "yet" in the beginning of the last stanza. Using those 2 coordinating conjunctions next to each other doesn't sound right. Anyway, I like the message in the poem.

[JKHughes]

I definitely do not agree with your creative writing professors. They're belittling the entire art of songwriting and the vast majority of poetry. If rhyming poetry is very generic I'd love to hear them try to explain how a poet like John Cooper Clark is similar to Poe. And as for sing-songy, the majority of lyrics are just poems set to music. I'd be very interested to get names of their work.
I agree with you about the last stanza though, but as I said earlier, the last stanza is a direct lift from the lyrics of the song. And the song line needed an extra syllable haha.

[Christopher Paul]

Beautifully written! Good job.

[Julie Spade]

Overall, this is a good concept lyrically and I assume that it is hard to put as a poem BUT I admire your words especially " if I could pull the earth on its axis.." (basicly the first stanza). I find it interesting that you intentionally rerhymed within the same stanza! Thank You for your request and I am looking forward for more. ^_^

[Baby Ricochet]

I don't think truer words have ever been written

[JKHughes]

Thank you very much.

[Amanda J Hopwood]

I feel this way about men!!! I think men get bored too easily. Women usually stick around long after they should. It is good. I really like this poem.

[JKHughes]

I think we all do, I think when we get really hung up on someone and they just suddenly stop paying us attention. As much as it hurts, we'd go back to them immediately if they wanted us back. Thank you very much

[Fernando Dardón]

i like very much the rhythm of your poem. This will be an interesting song for sure.
I specially like this ones:
""But now she's gotten restless,
And I never asked her why,
Then she just stopped calling...
I never asked her why"

Girls... what do they want?

[JKHughes]

Thank you very much:)

[Melanie]

Your transition into her becoming restless packs a punch, and I do like how you used the repetition of 'asked her why' - it upset the order, but somehow tied it all together.
A very strong piece, that is both hopeful and tragic.
Melanie

[JKHughes]

Thank you so much, that is exactly what I was going for.
Joel

[Rob Santana]

Nice words you've constructed here. My opinion, I say take out (this stanza) "Even when your heart's been burned before" and leave the last stanza. Also, instead of "I never asked her why" how about, "Then she stopped calling... I never knew why.

[JKHughes]

Thank you:) The 'heart's been burned before' bit, that entire stanza is a direct lift of the lyrics to the chorus from the song. I was gonna put the poem as an insert in the E.P, so that stanza kind of ties it together if you get what I mean?
Thank you for your input though, much appreciated:)

[Rob Santana]

Oh okay, yup get it. Then if that's the case maybe deleting "before" because "burned" is already describing past tense. Hahaha, just a suggestion, not trying to offend you in anyway.

[JKHughes]

No offence taken mate. I appreciate the input, thank you:)