May Only Your Sunsets Be So Red ‘19

An experiment with form in altering rhyme and rhyme scheme.

Could it be my life is not as well known

As it felt it was in my head

The murkyness of dreams in red

From memories I've been shown

This toublesome time inside my head

The stains of blue and needless red

The way has not been shown

All these troubles I have known

Fuzzy gray and the fading red

The escape is being shown

Then it has always been known 

Just need to get out of my head

The way to happiness is shown

Since we've met I seem to have known

In my heart and in my head

May only your sunsets be so red.

Reviews

[JayG]

You need to look deeper into the basics of structured poetry. You're ignoring the needs of prosody, which in this case, because you're not taking it into account, gives some lines an awkward, forced, feel.

And you should never subordinate the thought to the needs of the rhyme, because it makes the rhyme the purpose of the line, when the thought must be central. The final word should fit the thought being expressed so perfectly that rhyming seems almost accidental. But what's the thought here? When you wrote, "The murkyness of dreams in red," you did so because you needed a rhyme for "head." But in the many years of my life I've had not one monochromatic dream. Who what meaning am I supposed to take? You might have an intent for that, but since intent doesn't make it to the page, and you provide no context...

A really great inrtoduction to the needs of structured poetry is the excerpt to Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled. Check it on Amazon. You'll be glad you did.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/