CRAZY UPSET

I wrote this one night when I was completely upset with a friend. :'(

I have a friend you know,

I love him dearly even so.

He laughs like a donkey,

Dances like a monkey,

For food, he always has money.

You can never tie him up,

No, he is carefree.

One fine day, he made me a promise,

I shall never forget, memorized the premise.

But as swiftly as time passed us by,

T'was as soonest, he bade the promise good bye.

I have a friend you know,

I love him dearly even so.

© 2013 Simphonia Hale

Author's Note

I AM OPEN FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISMS. HAHA. :P photo source: http://kristadunham.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/feeling-left-out-img-me74117a7be349415a32dd5f0b61147231.jpg

My Review

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Featured Review

Sir Joe

In this piece, you are simply telling, not really showing. In writing short poems, you should be more of an imagist rather than of a narrator. Although you were able to express what was or still is in your heart, you should, at least, think what the readers will make of this piece. I assume that you posted this not just for yourself to express what you feel but also for others to read and perhaps relate with this piece. This time I'm talking about connecting the piece with the reader. Having read this poem, I think you were so immersed in expressing rather than sharing that's why this work of yours turned out to be something that is very personal. How about trying to detach yourself from the poem even just a bit? This process requires using a different perspective. Try doing this: imagine that you are not you and then look at the real Simphonia or at her actual experiences. From this point, try to write. It's like putting your "non-Simphonia self" into the real Simphonia's own shoes. By doing such, I think the poem will become relatable. I hope you get my point. Also, try to be not so literal and so simple as far as the use of language is concerned. Doing this will make your writing sound more poetic. Read this poem of yours again and you will find it so plain and simple and not so poetic at all (except for the rhyming). Some lines even sound so forcedly rhymed. Try to work on that as well. I'm not saying that this one is a trash. I just know that your next poems will be a lot better than this one, right? My best wishes to you. - sir joe In this piece, you are simply telling, not really showing. In writing short poems, you should be more of an imagist rather than of a narrator. Although you were able to express what was or still is in your heart, you should, at least, think what the readers will make of this piece. I assume that you posted this not just for yourself to express what you feel but also for others to read and perhaps relate with this piece. This time I'm talking about connecting the piece with the reader. Having read this poem, I think you were so immersed in expressing rather than sharing that's why this work of yours turned out to be something that is very personal. How about trying to detach yourself from the poem even just a bit? This process requires using a different perspective. Try doing this: imagine that you are not you and then look at the real Simphonia or at her actual experiences. From this point, try to write. It's like putting your "non-Simphonia self" into the real Simphonia's own shoes. By doing such, I think the poem will become relatable. I hope you get my point. Also, try to be not so literal and so simple as far as the use of language is concerned. Doing this will make your writing sound more poetic. Read this poem of yours again and you will find it so plain and simple and not so poetic at all (except for the rhyming). Some lines even sound so forcedly rhymed. Try to work on that as well. I'm not saying that this one is a trash. I just know that your next poems will be a lot better than this one, right? My best wishes to you. - sir joe Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago wow, sir joe THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'll work on that! :) View 1 more reply Sir Joe 11 Years Ago You're most welcome Sir Joe 11 Years Ago You're most welcome, my dear Simphonia. I am just honest about what I've made of your poem. A critic should do what he must. Whenever I see something negative, I feel I have to say it [in the right way]. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago I'm glad you did. really. :)

Reviews

jwesley

I think the simplicity is what makes this piece, my friend, like a child relating about a friend. If anything, what I see is a 'flow' problem, it doesn't read smoothly, but it's very simplicity is what makes it so cute. Big smile here. jimmy I think the simplicity is what makes this piece, my friend, like a child relating about a friend. If anything, what I see is a 'flow' problem, it doesn't read smoothly, but it's very simplicity is what makes it so cute. Big smile here. jimmy Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago thanks Jimmy! I'll be working on it! :)

Baby Ricochet

Yeah. Friends can do that Yeah. Friends can do that Rating /100

Robbie~xoxo~

There is a subtle hint of heartbreak and disappointment within this sweet write. But most of all, I felt the love flowing regardless of the broken promise... Nicely done! There is a subtle hint of heartbreak and disappointment within this sweet write. But most of all, I felt the love flowing regardless of the broken promise... Nicely done! Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago how did you know there was a hint of heartbreak? OMG. You're right Robbie! :)

Frieda P

Sometimes friends can make us or break us, this says it all, nice one. Sometimes friends can make us or break us, this says it all, nice one. Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago thank you frieda! :) Frieda P 11 Years Ago My pleasure :-)

Melissa Allen

Simphonia, I loved this poem I thought it was very sweet and clever. It made me smile yet frown, it was fresh. -M Simphonia, I loved this poem I thought it was very sweet and clever. It made me smile yet frown, it was fresh. -M Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago thanks a lot Melissa! :)

Matthew Kult

Hello Simphonia, Wonderfully playful Always, Matthew A. Hello Simphonia, Wonderfully playful Always, Matthew A. Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago matthew! Thank you! :)

Sir Joe

In this piece, you are simply telling, not really showing. In writing short poems, you should be more of an imagist rather than of a narrator. Although you were able to express what was or still is in your heart, you should, at least, think what the readers will make of this piece. I assume that you posted this not just for yourself to express what you feel but also for others to read and perhaps relate with this piece. This time I'm talking about connecting the piece with the reader. Having read this poem, I think you were so immersed in expressing rather than sharing that's why this work of yours turned out to be something that is very personal. How about trying to detach yourself from the poem even just a bit? This process requires using a different perspective. Try doing this: imagine that you are not you and then look at the real Simphonia or at her actual experiences. From this point, try to write. It's like putting your "non-Simphonia self" into the real Simphonia's own shoes. By doing such, I think the poem will become relatable. I hope you get my point. Also, try to be not so literal and so simple as far as the use of language is concerned. Doing this will make your writing sound more poetic. Read this poem of yours again and you will find it so plain and simple and not so poetic at all (except for the rhyming). Some lines even sound so forcedly rhymed. Try to work on that as well. I'm not saying that this one is a trash. I just know that your next poems will be a lot better than this one, right? My best wishes to you. - sir joe In this piece, you are simply telling, not really showing. In writing short poems, you should be more of an imagist rather than of a narrator. Although you were able to express what was or still is in your heart, you should, at least, think what the readers will make of this piece. I assume that you posted this not just for yourself to express what you feel but also for others to read and perhaps relate with this piece. This time I'm talking about connecting the piece with the reader. Having read this poem, I think you were so immersed in expressing rather than sharing that's why this work of yours turned out to be something that is very personal. How about trying to detach yourself from the poem even just a bit? This process requires using a different perspective. Try doing this: imagine that you are not you and then look at the real Simphonia or at her actual experiences. From this point, try to write. It's like putting your "non-Simphonia self" into the real Simphonia's own shoes. By doing such, I think the poem will become relatable. I hope you get my point. Also, try to be not so literal and so simple as far as the use of language is concerned. Doing this will make your writing sound more poetic. Read this poem of yours again and you will find it so plain and simple and not so poetic at all (except for the rhyming). Some lines even sound so forcedly rhymed. Try to work on that as well. I'm not saying that this one is a trash. I just know that your next poems will be a lot better than this one, right? My best wishes to you. - sir joe Rating /100 1 of 1 people found this review constructive. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago wow, sir joe THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'll work on that! :) View 1 more reply Sir Joe 11 Years Ago You're most welcome Sir Joe 11 Years Ago You're most welcome, my dear Simphonia. I am just honest about what I've made of your poem. A critic should do what he must. Whenever I see something negative, I feel I have to say it [in the right way]. Simphonia Hale 11 Years Ago I'm glad you did. really. :)

Reviews

[Sir Joe]

In this piece, you are simply telling, not really showing. In writing short poems, you should be more of an imagist rather than of a narrator. Although you were able to express what was or still is in your heart, you should, at least, think what the readers will make of this piece.
I assume that you posted this not just for yourself to express what you feel but also for others to read and perhaps relate with this piece. This time I'm talking about connecting the piece with the reader. Having read this poem, I think you were so immersed in expressing rather than sharing that's why this work of yours turned out to be something that is very personal. How about trying to detach yourself from the poem even just a bit? This process requires using a different perspective. Try doing this: imagine that you are not you and then look at the real Simphonia or at her actual experiences. From this point, try to write. It's like putting your "non-Simphonia self" into the real Simphonia's own shoes. By doing such, I think the poem will become relatable. I hope you get my point.

Also, try to be not so literal and so simple as far as the use of language is concerned. Doing this will make your writing sound more poetic. Read this poem of yours again and you will find it so plain and simple and not so poetic at all (except for the rhyming). Some lines even sound so forcedly rhymed. Try to work on that as well.

I'm not saying that this one is a trash. I just know that your next poems will be a lot better than this one, right?

My best wishes to you.


- sir joe

[Simphonia Hale]

wow, sir joe THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'll work on that! :)

[Sir Joe]

You're most welcome

[Sir Joe]

You're most welcome, my dear Simphonia. I am just honest about what I've made of your poem. A critic should do what he must. Whenever I see something negative, I feel I have to say it [in the right way].

[Simphonia Hale]

I'm glad you did. really. :)

[jwesley]

I think the simplicity is what makes this piece, my friend, like a child relating about a friend. If anything, what I see is a 'flow' problem, it doesn't read smoothly, but it's very simplicity is what makes it so cute. Big smile here.

jimmy

[Simphonia Hale]

thanks Jimmy! I'll be working on it! :)

[Baby Ricochet]

Yeah. Friends can do that

[Robbie~xoxo~]

There is a subtle hint of heartbreak and disappointment within this sweet write. But most of all, I felt the love flowing regardless of the broken promise... Nicely done!

[Simphonia Hale]

how did you know there was a hint of heartbreak? OMG. You're right Robbie! :)

[Frieda P]

Sometimes friends can make us or break us, this says it all, nice one.

[Simphonia Hale]

thank you frieda! :)

[Frieda P]

My pleasure :-)

[Melissa Allen]

Simphonia,
I loved this poem I thought it was very sweet and clever. It made me smile yet frown, it was fresh. -M

[Simphonia Hale]

thanks a lot Melissa! :)

[Matthew Kult]

Hello Simphonia,

Wonderfully playful

Always,

Matthew
A.

[Simphonia Hale]

matthew! Thank you! :)