Forgotten? Maybe.

Forgotten

Trigger warning.

You're at that holiday party with your relatives. Everyone is laughing and having fun, the smell of food is in the air, and twinkling lights surround the room. But it feels empty. Your cousin who is great at what she does is being praised by your parents and grandparents, as you sit and smile blankly at them. You love your family, but of course you don't tell them what your problems feel like. You don't want to upset
them or come across as weak.

Yes, everyone is happy and joyful. Except for you. You say a few things every now and then, but you are interrupted and ignored. They love you, right? Yeah. They must. They're nice to you. They just don't
know it hurts you... And you're too scared to say it. Your cousin is so much more accomplished than you. You have talents... But you don't match up. There is always someone better than you and everyone will let you know that. You constantly compare yourself to the best.

You still try your best at your dream, even if you know you will fail. But it's useless. There are so many people in the world... And your life is so short. Almost everyone is better than you. You aren't a bad person, but you aren't a good person. You aren't hated. You have a good, average life. You don't have many problems at all and all of your friends do. It makes you feel greedy or stupid for not experiencing much. You don't want to kill yourself or hurt yourself. You never have, and never plan on it.

Your friends would miss you and you know that. But you would be replaced or the empty place would be the tiniest hole. You aren't involved in things a lot of the time, and you are ignored a lot of the time, or interrupted. Like at this party. You try to be loud and make jokes so that you would be noticed but every time they don't laugh or find it a little bit funny you die on the inside. You're wanted when you're the clown... You just want to coexist instead of live to the side or die.

And then it hits you, the worst fear you've ever had. You block out what the others are saying and stare into space. A chill runs down your spine at the very idea. But this wasn't a monster. Oh no, it is completely real. And that's why it's terrifying. You know that eventually you will grow away from your friends. After a few years they will only have a few memories of being with you. After even longer, you
might as well be forgotten by them. And this will happen numerous times.

You won't ever be famous or rich. You feel greedy for saying this but you do want that from your talents. You love doing it, but you want to be great. You want to be loved by everyone. But you won't be. If a
stranger passes you by the street, they won't think anything about you. They won't even assume you have a name, dreams, friends, family, and a life. You aren't anyone of importance. After you die your dreams will be gone. If heaven and hell exist you're definitely going to the latter. You never became good enough with your dreams and talents. You died alone without love or children. You have no friends. Your family is all dead. Probably nobody will even find your lifeless body... The friends that you had in the past have all forgotten about you. You aren't anyone. Nothing you have done will be remembered.

Nothing you have done was of importance. You never changed anyone's life. You never wrote a bestselling novel. You were never a famous politician or a great scientist who invented a cure for
some disease. If someone saw your name on a tombstone, they wouldn't pay any attention to it. You are the empty space of a person. A stranger to everyone. Who nobody wants to know. They think nothing about you.

Everything that you have done remains, but it's minuscule. Nobody thinks of it as the work of "you." You are like a single caveman. No one thinks of it as a being who had a life. They think of it as something that existed in the past. It didn't have feelings, did it? No. Just like them, you are forgotten by everyone. You might as well have never existed. Nothing you did will ever make you known. And it's too late. Hundreds of years will pass after your death and nobody even remembers your name.

You weren't good enough. You failed. You weren't bad enough to be remembered, either. Your entire life went to waste as you were painfully average. Nothing happened. You were forgotten to ever exist. And that has become reality. For now, life will continue on in your holiday party that you hate... But that
will always remain in the back of your mind. They will forget about you. You're already ignored. It's obvious. Obvious that it's the first step to being gone with no trace.

Copyright © 2013 by J'Eliot