Buy Insanity, It's Cheap!

There was a time that I found my life
to be boring
inane
bourgeois
some...other fancy sounding word
but that was before I discovered how amazing
life could truly be. That was before I discovered
InsaniFree. I bought it over the phone
for $14.83 and let me tell you

I couldn't be happier now. 

You just take a teaspoon a day, and your 
annoying
    controlling
        bothersome 
sanity just slips away,never to be seen again. 
Why within the first day I had quit my job of 25 years. 
Just up and quit! 
I walked into my boss's office and told him I was done.
Done being underpaid and overworked.

Well...
I might have actually just ran in covered in toner 
with my pants tied around my head and tried
to jump through the window only to find it
was reinforced glass...
but it's practically the same thing. 

Anyway...

I have a new job now as a "Rodent anxiety theorist". 
It's so exhilarating and I've never felt more fulfilled 
as a member of the work force. I spend my days 
carefully observing the small critters at the park 
to see what makes them tick. 

Quite literally the best job ever.

Well...
I guess it technically isn't a "job", as I don't really get paid. 
I basically run around throwing acorns at squirrels, then write 
down what they do on napkins. They generally run away, 
but I think they're starting to mobilize. I've got my eye on them.

Isn't it amazing what you can do when you don't let your 
stupid
   oppressive
       restrictive
sanity stop you from doing the things you want?


Just a week ago I left my wife of 12 years. I told her 
I couldn't stand her unrealistic expectations anymore.
"Dear, you need to spend more time with your son"
"Dear, we don't talk enough"
"Dear, take out the trash"
"Dear, please stop cutting locks of my hair while I'm sleeping"

Women, am I right? 

I'm so much happier now. I'm marrying my dream girl next month. 
Literally.
As in she's a girl that only exists in my dreams. 
The paperwork will be tricky, but I think I can manage.


Now that my goodfornothing sanity is out of the way, 
I can focus on lifelong dreams like
traveling the world
learning a new language
or just running through a mall and seeing how many people 
I can squirt with ketchup before security tackles me. 
I could never do these things before.

Well...
I guess technically I can't do them "now" 
since I'm writing this from my padded cell, 
but I know it's only a matter of time 
before my new wife gets here with the paperwork. 

She's great.

I hope she hurries though...I think I saw a squirrel.

Wait for laughter.

Author's Note

Originally Written - January 11, 2012