The King of Incrimination

A short story about a dumb kid.

The King Of Incrimination

Craig is sitting on the edge of his bed, watching bad television and eating a bowl of cereal. Last night was pretty fun. He thought as the tv switched to some commercial for acne medication. His room, cluttered with your average teenage crap. CD's, books, stolen street signs and a multitude of other things that only appear on your floor when the closet is so filled with stuff that opening it would bury half of St. Louis county. The bed, unmade, as Craig just woke at the ungodly hour of 2 pm. His mom wanted to talk to him last night. He made his way into his room without interrogation, however, because of adult add. She would remember soon though, he thought. Best to stay in here, “sleeping” than go out and brave a mom storm.

“Craig?” Damn! He thought, quickly shoving a stack of dirty dishes and dog eared playboys under the bed, which was already cluttered with god knows what else.

“Yes mom?” she usually waited for him to open the door, but this time she walked in without invitation, and sat an ashtray on the dresser, wherever she could find space (Limited.) and stubbed out her cigarette.

“I need to talk to you about something.” Her hands were on her hips in traditional angry mom fashion, mouth scrunched to the side and eye brows together.

“Is it about me coming home drunk last night?” His mom tilted her head to the side and a lock of auburn hair fell from behind it. She pushed it back behind her ear.

“No... You were drunk last night?” She replied. Craig pulled a pair of dirty socks from under the bed, smelled them, and withdrew his face in obvious disgust. He halfheartedly searched for a cleaner pair, but lost interest halfway through.

“Not too drunk, I mean, I did throw up in the driveway.” Mom slowly nodded and pulled a crumpled pack of cigarettes from her pocket and lights one. She crossed her arms.

“I noticed the frozen vomit, yes, but it's not that. I didn't know about that, I thought it was the neighbor, her car was parked halfway in our driveway. She still must have had fun. ” Her eyes and mind faded to a time when she actually had time Craig sat in silence. He misbehaved quite a bit, and never got caught. What could it be?

“Was it the empty bag of weed that I accidentally left on the bathroom floor that I couldn't find?” Mom raises an eyebrow.

“No... It wasn't that, I don't even know what your talking about.” Mom's lips purse and she stares hard at Craig. This child wouldn't last a minute without a lawyer. Ever. Even in situations where legal advice and keeping your mouth shut isn't necessary, he would never survive in a drug cartel, that's for sure.

“OH! I know. It was the dirty magazines under my bed, right?” Mom sighs. She takes a drag off her cigarette and ashes it.

“No, although you could hand those over right now.” Craig reaches under his bed and hands them over. “To be honest, this is the worst porno stash I have ever seen.” Mom says, flipping through the three advertisement laden soft magazines.

“Was it the condom wrapper in the dryer?” Mom tilts her head to the other side.

“No, I was unaware you even had a girlfriend, let alone you having sex with her.” Craig thinks even harder. What the hell did I do?

“Was it my failing report card that I ninja-ed from the mail and doctored to As?” Mom's eyes light up and dull out.

“No, although you did fool me.” What the f**k? He thinks, raking his brain, dredging it for anything else.

“Did you find out about my closet?” Mom looks confused.

“Is there a kidnapped dwarf in there smoking crack?” Mom asks.

“No, but don't open it or we'll all get buried.” Mom nods and looks over at the closet, the dirty

magazines in her hand and smiles.

“You forgot to take out the trash.” Blank stare,

“Just the trash?”

“Yes, just the trash. As for the other things, you should have quit while you were ahead. One month punishment. Minimum.” Mom, stubs her cigarette out like a gavel and walks out of the room and closes the door. F**k, Craig thinks, That went well. That was absolute perfection...    

Author's Note

Not really going for an accurate picture of how this would play out in real life. It's supposed to be sketch comedy style humor.