A Faithless Prayer

A Poem by JCzerwinski

Dear Lord,

Father unto You and only You I lift my voice. Only You can wipe away my tears, only Your blood can cleanse me from my sins. Only You, Lord, have the power to pluck me out of this bottomless pit. How I fell into this place of utter despair I cannot recall. My mind reminds me of the days when I felt as if You dwelled within me and I in You. The days when I was under the illusion of joy and the hypnosis of happiness. The days when I, as David did, meditated on Your word day and night. The days when I believed Your word was more than beautiful literature. When I still believed the words in the book of books were directly from Your mouth. Those days are so far from me now. When I no longer feared the end of my days, my eyes were opened to the truth. And as You said the truth has set me free. I no longer have fear as I did before. I no longer beg for Your mercy, grace, or forgiveness. My eyes have been opened to a world of beauty and disgust, same as before. I no longer allow myself to believe I am nothing without You. I no longer give credit for my gifts to Someone that never appears when I need them the most. How self-centered You must be if You truly exist. To claim all the glory and none of the blame. You have the power to let me see You, yet You hide Your face from me. You remain hidden even as I lay in the depths of my own hell. I refuse to be labeled as a horrible man. All I ever yearned for was to glimpse Your beauty. How many hours have I wasted praying to You? How many days have I spent giving You my all? When thoughts of suicide enter my worthless soul, where are You to be found? Where is Your strength then Lord? Where is my Shepard when I stray from the flock? Where is Your guidance when I have lost my way? I see many of Your so called sheep, full of the things You hate. They mock me, Lord, with their words of Your embrace. How can You speak to them daily and forever cast me from Your presence? Why can I not see Your face when my eyes are full of tears? Why can I not feel Your embrace? Am I cursed? Or is it that You do not exist? I know Lord, I know, I am not allowed to question You or Your will. But God I am so tired and utterly fed up with playing hide and seek. You are so well hidden that I believe I shall never find You. Your word tells me that even when I am faithless You remain faithful. Yet here I lay, faithless, downcast, depressed, heartbroken, and encircled by my own demons of darkness. The seas of life have overtaken me. My soul is drowning from the tears I have cried searching for You. My soul whispers to me, my thoughts run wild in my mind. Yet no appearance from You. Even as I write this, the child within me hopes for You. Even for Your judgment. Even if only to be cast into the fiery abyss with the serpent of old. How long must I wait? How much torment must I endure from Your hand? I know Lord, I know, this is my cross, my burden to carry. This is Your will. Even if I ended my life tonight. I will forever be forgotten and fools will continue to praise Your name. This is merely a note from one of Your lost and forgotten sheep. Nothing more.