The Painful Regret

A story about a woman who struggles with the decision she made to have an abortion just months previously.

One thing my significant other, Drew, and I have always had in common, is that we make it a point to regret nothing in our lives; because every experience, no matter the size, has led us to where we are today. We have always been honest about our pasts and will continue that honesty beyond our four-year relationship into the future. We are not perfect. However, we learn from our mistakes and emerge as a couple more equipped to handle the woes of our future. Though, a decision which I had thought was right, turned out to be the biggest mistake I have ever made and one I continue to regret to this day over four months later.
One Sunday morning, a little over four months ago, Drew and I were getting ready for a Vikings game in our hotel room. We had about ten minutes before we needed to check out; all our belongings we had already carried out to the car. I looked at my handsome boyfriend and told him I needed to use the restroom before we handed in our hotel keys at the front desk. Unbeknownst to him, I was taking a pregnancy test because I know my body and I had felt different for a few days. The test was positive. The knowledge that alcohol can cause severe congenital disabilities is why I needed to know before the game. In the light of this startling information, the second my eyes met Drew’s, I broke down into tears.
The dumbfounded expression on his face prompted my apology, and the only thing I could say was, “I’m pregnant.” He lifted my chin, so my eyes met his once again and told me it was going to be okay. “No, it isn’t going to be okay! I cannot have another baby right now! My mind and body cannot handle it; our four kids we have now cannot handle this; none of this is okay!” I frantically replied. He looked at me solemnly and knew without me saying another word, that I would be getting an abortion. With this intention, thirteen days following that Vikings game, at seven weeks and two days pregnant, I took the abortion pill, and we lost our baby.
Neither of us wanted to have to delve into the facts about why this abortion had happened. The fact that our birth control failed, that we were struggling financially with four kids already, visiting food shelves to feed a family of 6, pursuing a nursing career at age 31, among many others, were things we did not want or need to explain. Due to the heartbreak of losing a baby, and that no one talks about it, led us to tell those who knew we were pregnant, that we miscarried. The knowledge of any couple having an abortion would haunt them forever in the form of gossip, mostly. So, to tell anyone the truth would be like reopening the wound for us repeatedly. No one would ever truly understand.
I feel that this decision turned out to be a huge mistake that I made. I didn’t give Drew a choice in the matter. He knew I could not handle a pregnancy right now, but the look in his eyes when he realized we wouldn’t be keeping the baby, was one of pure heartbreak and sorrow. There are times when I see that look, such as when we look at our children’s baby pictures, videos, and ultrasounds. I have even caught a tear or two while watching him view old media of the kids. It breaks my heart, and I fear I will forever regret the decision, which turned into a horrible mistake, for the rest of my life. For each day Drew’s heart bleeds for the loss of our baby, my heart will ache with regret. I pray that this will make us stronger, as all other trials and tribulations have, but this may be something that will always tug at his heartstrings and therefore will always be my one and only regret.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

This is tough. Your sad story has kicked my butt and made my heart ache. I know this thing that you went through. I know it all too well. The horror show that was my parent's marriage finally ended after Mom talked a doctor into helping her "get rid" of the baby she carried. "My husband can't feed the kids he's already got. If you don't end this pregnancy, I'll find someone who will." It was 1955 and abortions were illegal, but that doctor gave her a shot that put her into labor. She was five months along, and my little brother lived for a few hours. Dad got the bill. There's more, but you probably don't want to know. I understand your pain. I also understand your reason for doing it. I will not judge.

[Kelli April]

I appreciate your courage and willingness to share another part of your life to help me feel not so alone. This was another assignment for my comp II class. I chose to write about my story because I can’t talk about it with anyone and not expect to at least FEEL judgement and disappointment, even if the other person is not trying to portray those feelings. It’s such a taboo subject, I felt this was my only outlet to let it out in hopes of not feeling like the monster who many people believe those who go through with a decision of this magnitude must be. It’s such a hard choice, and time is limited in making it, so regrets are inevitable. By writing about it, it lessens the sorrow. Thank you for your review and sharing another piece of your life.