Pain in depth...

A Story by Rose Masen

This is my explanation of what pain feels like..

I look at things quite differently as many do when going through the motions of realizing the handful of years spent, the countless bonds formed and sealed, were slowly ripping at the seams and falling apart. When one is your world, and that world begins to crumble beneath your feet and before your eyes, how do you bare it? It’s impossible. Even saying it to be impossible is putting it on the extremely light end of the spectrum. As they make each careful decision to leave, it’s as if pieces of you yank further and further away from your being until they are literally stepping outside of the threshold and then almost instantaneously it is ripped, excruciatingly, away from you, and there gone; that part of you forever silenced at its departure. The pain cripples you mentally, so that you cannot function emotionally, and then cutting all signals of self preservation, off, you’re crippled physically as you buckle under the power of being overtaken. Words fail you, safety slips away and that part of you is forever lost in a whirlwind of colorless atmosphere. You’re world turns grey, as that person takes the very color out of it when they departed. Nothing registers in your mind accept that part of you is gone and never to return. On a lighter note, though, some are actually capable of blocking this entirely out and going about daily life, in the outside world, granting a smile permission to play along their lips, as they suffer excruciatingly internally. The charade they uphold is quite amazing, if I do say so myself. I only know this because I was one of those people. I had the smile going, the upbeat attitude, and a positive outlook on life- outside of my home. Anything behind the threshold of my home was another story. No one knew of what I had to face once I stepped beyond that thin line between sanity and crippling pain. They didn’t know; nor would they. The world was a cruel place. And I chose to not be a part of it anymore than need be. I had to physically be a part of it because of work and necessities, but emotionally, I tried my hardest to remain as detached as possible. So, in order to do so carefully, I had to balance it and remain emotionally attached enough so that it didn’t cause anyone to ask questions, yet remain detached enough to remain in my comfort zone so that I could get by daily. My days were long and busy; my nights were cold and lonely. If I could have counted the many tears that I had shed, I would have been able to fill an ocean. Not just any ocean. I’d have been able to fill an ocean full of despair and weakness trying to drift to shore to sink into the sand as the oncoming storm approach ready to obliterate it’s very existence. After a while I literally ran out of tears to shed as my eyes burned from the dryness, my heart ached from being clawed at piece by piece, my voice yearned to be heard as loudly as a broken whisper, and my physical being began to fade away. I was losing myself, slowly, but time passed by quickly. I was becoming a nobody, a blurred shadow disappearing into invisibility, as the night wrapped its cruel arms around me roughly, yet securely, putting my mind at ease and placing my worries to rest. I wasn’t alone; because loneliness was always with me. In this world of 7 different continents, 50 states, alone, resting easily on the very one I lived on, and billions of people, not once did I ever feel as though I could relate to one, single, soul. Many times I anticipated the coming light, as it would signal a warning to the darkness to release me and allow me to wonder about. When the light set for the evening, I cringed away from the oncoming slaughter the darkness had in store for me. I often slept with the lights on, as I said before, I had to grasp any remaining remnants of light for any lasting drops of comfort I could scrounge up. After awhile, I cringed from the light and embraced the darkness. The light brought on higher expectations as each passing day approached, came, and went; I felt exposed and ridiculed for the pain I held captive in my heart, by choice now; it was all I knew, no other options were present. The darkness, I welcomed, though, with open arms. It sheltered me from the ridicule and allowed me to succumb to that day’s new trial and tribulations society thought was acceptable to subject me to. The darkness allowed me to hide; to curl up in my corner and hover around me protectively as I opened my wounds and let the pain seep through my pores. I never wanted to lose it; and as the night faded and became interlaced with the sun rising, thick ribbons of orange, yellow and lilac would pierce the sky, beckoning on a new day as it shattered through the marvelous, midnight blue and black, blotched sky. It pinned me down with rage, held me captive and left me exposed, once more, to the coming day’s onslaught. It burned my eyes, making me succumb to its brightness. It was taking away from my Grey surroundings, and lightened my eyes, but never did it touch the inside of my soul- the grayest, darkest, most shattered part of me. It mocked me harshly, and left me standing alone, in arms length of the world. Bestowed upon with force; Terrified to succumb.

© 2011 Rose Masen

Author's Note

This is NOT A POEM. It is merely just my intake on a description of what pain feels like. Even if you haven't experienced it before; I think the description might be able to bring you closer to understanding.