Where it all went wrong (Teaser)

This is a teaser for the project that I am currently working on. I would appreciate all the feedback I can get on this story, because it will really help me later on in the writing.

This is the last time and this will be the last words. The last words of a dying soldier �" or that are at least how I feel like right now. I used to feel blessed for being with you, and I felt blessed from the bottom of my heart for the day I found you. I wanted to stay around you forever and I still do, but I guess that life has violently torn us apart and crushed every last piece of love that we shared. It is hard to deny the fact that you are no longer by my side, but the truth cuts deeply like a knife. This has caused me to not think about love anymore when I think of you. The love has been replaced with pain, at least in my mind. I do not have a clue about how you feel anymore, and it is even harder to explain how I feel myself. What do I really feel like? I guess that I feel like an empty shell, my whole body feels like it is cracking into pieces and it hurts … a lot.

It is not so long ago, the day that I promised you that I would change. I broke the promise in a million ways and now you have replaced my place in your heart with something better than me. What about my heart? You fed it once and now it stares. It stares into the void of the darkness. You have taken every good part of my heart and walked away … forever … for eternity, and there is nothing that I can do about it anymore. I am stricken by you, and I cannot let you go now, I have already gone too far now, and it is way too late to turn back now. I still have a lot of love for you … somewhere … somehow, but what good is love, when it is always denied?

I remember our first night, and I remember our last night too, clear. Honestly, all I want to do is forget about the last one because it hurts like hell when I think of it. As for our first, I remembered thinking that I would wish that this night would have lasted forever, but it did not. It went away, as everything in this world does, and the love was lost to sadness. I alone take the blame for what happened, while you take everything else �" the happiness, the good memories; all of these sweet little things that mean the world when you learn to appreciate it, are lost for me, and I may never get them back. I guess that it is what happens to some of us in life, because everyone cannot walk around and be happy all the time. I became one of those that were stricken by the sadness, and that is just how life is. I did not win, but I sure as hell did lose everything so fast.

My heart has gone cold, and there is no longer hope, because when the heart has given up, you have clearly lost. Your heart is that single part of you that will never give up and realize the fact until it has been a while since it was too late. When your heart has finally given up, your whole world is shaken. The pain becomes so strong that you become numb from it. The darkness erupts inside of you and others are helplessly watching as you turn into a ghost. I have wondered so many times if the pain was finally over now, but it comes in periods. It is like a tsunami way, because every time you have been hit, there is a larger and more powerful wave ready to give you the final blow. That is just how it is in life, there is always someone larger, meaner and more powerful than you, and if you let them, they will take the opportunity to smash you out of the game.

I still hope that you will come back, because realizing that you were gone is what I fear the most. You turned away from me and ran away from the dark side of me. The dark side that has become the only part of me that was left. The darkness that embraced me long ago, but it took you some time before you realized that. I guess that I am just good at pretending. That has been the only thing that I have ever known how to do for sure. I have lied, I have loved, I had cried, but I pretended to do it all for you. In the end, it does not matter for who I did it, because you are gone, and you are not coming back. I know for sure that I will never see your face again, and that is what hurts the mort. It feels like I have lost all will to live, and I am sure that only the end can set me free. The problem is that I am not only scared to die; I am also scared to live, so what is my life really worth? Now and forever, in life or in death, I want you. Still to this day, I put my hands together and pray that God will let it be me who will hold you all night long. I will pray that it will be me who will wipe your tears away when you are sad, and that it will be me who would never leave your side. I guess that it is just my way off dealing with the pain, when it becomes too much. When I lay alone at night, I still feel your breath on my face, and I start to feel lonely and empty inside. I wait everyday for you to come and save me. I wish everyday that you will come back and say that I am the only.

My appearance has changed; I am no longer that guy that you have read about earlier. I still think about her, but seldom do I blame myself for what happened. Yes I    lied to her and got caught, and yes I lost a friend that I will not get back, but I try to move on. I was scared to move on, and I was even scared to live, but that is not the person that I am anymore. I felt helpless no matter what I did, but I know now that I am not helpless. She turned and ran away from me, when it all became hard. Every couple will slide downwards every once in a while, but every couple does not break up and run away. I feel used, because of the way she left me. No words, no goodbyes, no love. I was left with a million reasons to ask myself: “Why?” One of my main questions now is “Why did I even care?” Why did I even care for someone who obviously did not need me in her life anymore? I never got an answer to that question, and I doubt that I ever will. My main concern today is if it will happen again. As I tried to forget her, I made a promise to myself. I promised myself to think of our time together as a time so beautiful but as time passed by, I found out that it may not have been so beautiful that I thought it was. I was trapped in a cage by her love, so I was blind to anyone, or anything, but her. In the end, I think that it was the thing that broke us apart. I was blind, not only to anyone else, but also to the pain she obviously felt. Looking back now, I can see all the signs, but I did not see a single one back then. Time and time again, I was thinking about myself before I thought about her, and that is the thing I regret now, but what I did not regret is what she did when she found out about my secrets … my darkest secrets, that I tried to hold her away from for eternity.

She used to set me off with every word she said, but she does not do that anymore. The main reason to that is because she is not here anymore; she is no longer by my side, or by anyone’s side and she may never will be …