3) The Regret

Lucy has an internal argument about the pros and cons of marriage and ends up falling asleep watching a movie

3) The Regret

The bedroom was cold without John in it to keep me company. I almost wished I had a cat at that moment. I groaned inwardly. Things really must be bad if I wanted a cat. Cats were only another form of marriage: commitment, and s**t.

Period. End of story.

The room was dark and I lay on my back, still in my dress, staring at the ceiling. In my hands was the ring John had forced me to take and ‘think about’. I twisted it in my fingers. Around and around and around. It was beautiful; that I couldn’t deny.

I sighed and sat up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and placing the ring on my bedside table. Why had he had to ruin this nice dinner with a proposal? It was my f*****g birthday! Another sigh issued from my mouth.

It’s normal, a voice in my head told me. We’ve been together two years; barely any bickering, no cheating " we said “I love you” to each other " what else is there? Marriage. Of course. John is being a normal person in this situation " I’m being the b***h.

At least I knew I was the b***h. But I had my reasons! To me, marriage was the way my parents had it " great, but…things change. My parents never got divorced, and they still love each other, but it wasn’t the same after they got married. Of course it wasn’t! It isn’t! It never is, for anyone! They had kids and then their relationship changed from young adults walking through the world with their eyes closed, not caring where they were going or who they were bumping into, to mature parents, raising their children responsibly, and…a horrible sex life.

Okay, alright, it’s out there. A teeny weenie part of what I didn’t like about marriage was that your sex life turned to mush. It’s exactly like the movie Sex Tape. Just listen to her describe the first time they saw each other naked and the most recent time they saw each other naked. There was so much of a difference! Without marriage, you’re young and in love, or at least your attitude is so. You don’t have to worry as much about…anything.

Marriage just brings worries on its own.

I flopped back onto my bed dramatically. My brain brought a good case. But my heart did too. I loved John. I loved him with all my heart and soul and body and mind. A big part of me wanted to marry him, and so bad that I thought I would burst if I didn’t. But the other half was telling me that once we got married, I wouldn’t feel the same. I worried that we would fall out of love or that John would get bored with me and have to find satisfaction in another woman, or a video, or whatever it was.

My heart wouldn’t be able to take it if that happened, and I didn’t want to take the risk.

Why was I so afraid? Why was I such a p***y?

I got up and began to undress. Brushing off my dress, I hung it back up in my closet. It wasn’t dirty. I had barely even gotten to wear it. I removed my bra and thong and pulled on a ratty pair of underwear, sweatpants, and my old high school sweatshirt. I wouldn’t be impressing anyone tonight. I slipped into my flip-flops, made a bowl of microwavable popcorn in the kitchen and slipped Sex Tape into the DVR, because, why not watch the movie of my metaphors?

When the movie was over and my popcorn bowl almost empty, I lazily turned on Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and was out like a light after 20 minutes.

Author's Note

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