Dear Diary

A Story by Ivan Radnev

Late night monologue with myself. Pretty much nothing said but it was my first... "open" attempt at writing.

17.08.2014

Dear Diary,

Hello. My name is Ivan and today is the 17^th of August which you probably figured out from the huge date written on the top-left corner, sorry. Anyway, Diary, I’m trying to see what time it is but, to be honest, I can barely tell since my vision’s blurry although I’m not sure, or, to be precise, I’m not sure whether it is because of sleep deprivation or the quantity/quality of… unhealthy substances in my body but either way, I think it is around 5 a.m. or maybe even getting closer to 6 a.m. but what does it even matter.

Diary, I’ve owned you for a couple of years now and never, until today, have I ever written a single word on any of your dusty pages. What has happened? What has changed? Well, I’m glad you asked. I’m glad you asked because I, myself have no clue why, in reality, I am awake at, now clearly, 6 in the morning, holding a conversation with my own thoughts and with The XX in the background. I have to confess that I have no clue how all of this is going to work out since I can feel my mind drift from one thought to another and then back again; it’s hard to concentrate. Okay, let me refill my tiny cup of coffee and I shall return in a moment to try and explain to you and to myself what exactly is going on or at least I will try to. Be right back.

Okay, I’m back. Missed me? Of course not, you are a book. A book that is being filled with the thoughts of an idiot, congratulations. Anyway, as I was saying, I’m going to try to share with myself in hopes of understanding myself and we’ll see how it works out. I’m not sure how to structure this, to be completely honest so I’m just going to improvise as I go along if that’s okay. Here we go.

Revelation№1: I learnt that Love is a cruel being that will always have a way to trick you and make you suffer. She �" Love will give you Hope and then rip it out of your chest, through your rib-cage with no remorse and no pity. She will give you a smile to wear and then laugh as she turns it upside-down and whenever she feels like she, herself, has played with you enough, she will make you become the demon, just like she is, and you will do all the things she has and you will despise yourself for it.

As I said, Love is terrifying and it feeds of our broken dreams and lost hopes. Love is Pain.

Revelation №2: I learnt that Hate is a powerful ally. Hate is the only being that will stay by your side and inside your heart through thick and thin and will pick you up when you fall down. It will show you sides of people you never knew existed. Sides that might be false or misjudged but sides that we need to know of and keep in mind for our own sake; for the sake of our own, personal survival. Without Hate we would be defenseless and vulnerable. We would be weak.

Hate is Life.

Revelation №3: I learnt that no matter how much I wish it were true, I could never be the perfect person I have always wanted to be �" someone who makes his family proud and is loved and always helps his friends and is the perfect boyfriend and the perfect guy. I could never be him and the reason for that is very simple. Time. Time changes us, Diary and Time would never allow me to become that person. It would much rather mold me into a horrible compilation of what I could be and what I never, ever wanted to become. Time will slowly push you around until you can no longer recognize yourself in the mirror and see only a stranger with a familiar face in the reflection.

Time is Death.

Before I finish this monstrosity of a text and put down the metaphorical pen and paper I’d like to add something. On this very moment, the clock is showing 6:39a.m and the sun is just starting to peek over the horizon, the birds are chirping with excitement and there is slight, calming rain and this; this is a scene that, I believe everyone can enjoy, no matter how they feel.

Dear Diary, the truth in my eyes is this: Love is indeed Pain and Hate is detrimental to our Life and, indeed, Time does lead to Death but, Diary, there is so much more to that. There is so much more to those six words because they might be true and all of this might be true. I might never really matter to anybody; I might never really be loved by anybody; I might never make my family proud but I am just one insignificant rogue in the beautiful garden that is Earth and as such; as a simple, little, ugly rogue I have nothing else to do than make everyone else the prettiest flower they can be while I wait to be plucked out of the ground and thrown in to the garbage and even after that I shall stay true to those 3 “Revelations” I mentioned because Love is much more than Pain and Hate will never lead to real, happy Life and Time will change you, it will kill you but it will make you - You in the process.

So, Diary, whether you hate yourself or love yourself remember, as long as you are You, you are on the right path.