Dark death

Depressive. But kind.

As I lay there on the cold floor
I waited for death to touch me
But it was just blissful dream
Cause who dies so peacefully

I didn't fear decaying to my bones
Or losing the flesh or my skin
But what did scare me was
Will afterlife complete me from within

Trapped in this cruel world
A little sparrow, a little girl
Cigarette ashes or killing drugs
Destroyed herself for a kind word

Author's Note

Hope you like it. Not that good. 3am diaries.

Reviews

[Meeks]

I give critiques. Not in any special order or only to bad writers, just trying to help everyone in general.

"But it was just blissful dream" - just A blissful dream, if grammar is applied. Which might screw up your tempo. There's a useless 'but' in the beginning, you can get rid of that if you have to.

A question mark at the end of the first stanza would help. I didn't notice the question until my second time through.

"The flesh or my skin," - somehow I think it would be better if you decided for either THE flesh or THE skin, or MY flesh or MY skin.
Also, maybe an 'and' instead of the 'or'? Not sure if I should suggest that...

A question mark after the second stanza too. It's more obvious, but still.

First line of second stanza is short syllable-wise. An extra word would help, I think.

Overall? Powerful, gives an emotion. I would expand it, of course, but that's because I'm used to writing stories. Anyway, all of the critique here is my personal opinion, you shouldn't feel obliged to implement any of this. Hope it helps though.

[PeaceOfMind]

Thank you. I like to get better.

[B. Boileau]

The question of death and after life can be intimidating to say the least. For some it's a matter of faith,others it's a matter of living the life you have to the fullest. And yet some don't realize either until it's too late.
a haunting piece, vivid ending. As always a pleasure read.
bill

[PeaceOfMind]

Bill, you are my most favorite reviewer. Each word of your hits. Thank you for sharing your opinions on my work.

[B. Boileau]

Aw shucks. . Your words are too kind

[B. Boileau]

The question of death and after life can be intimidating to say the least. For some it's a matter of faith,others it's a matter of living the life you have to the fullest. And yet some don't realize either until it's too late.
a haunting piece, vivid ending. As always a pleasure read.
bill