The Bar

We were asked in my creative writing class to write about something we would never do. Here it is...

The bar- dark and dingy, the smell of peanuts and whiskey filled the air. Across the room my eyes meet with a dark tall handsome man. His Physique chiseled by the ghost of Michelangelo. My heart races but I stay focused on my new prey. Instant attraction like a moth to a lamp light, I move in. I switch my hips, and twirl my fingers thru my long locks. He's still watching me. I know I will win my prize. As I move closer I take a deep sip of my long island iced tea hoping to gain more courage to capture my desire. He watches me drink, he seems to take the sip with me, I see his lips pucker slightly and his chest rise. His arms decorated with gold bracelets and a fantastically brilliant gold watch drop to his side. His body language tells me hes open for business. I reach my destination and ask the man if he'd like to buy me a drink. He replies to me in a deep cool tone 'its been a long time since ive bought a beautiful young lady a drink' extending his gold gleaming arm expecting me to reach around and hold on to him, I place my hand flat and open palmed on this flawless mans wrist. Playing hard to get what I know now I can have.'whats your name?' 'Jim' he responds with such manly confidence. We pull up two bar stools and sit. He orders me another tall glass of cool citrus refreshment. When he pays the young curvy waitress I see he has an unimaginable amount of hundred dollars bills neatly tucked into his wallet. We get to talking, well he gets to talking about life in general, he goes on about bad relationships and hard times. He gives me advice on how to better mine, which he had never bothered asking about in the first place. Drunk on lust and a mixture of liquors I ask this man if I can go to his place. I am excited. We leave the darkness of the bar and head out onto the streets lit by the moon. A wondrous silver shinning reflection off the empty dirty alley ways and quiet late night roads. Its a romantic walk, well it could be if he would just shut up. I start feeling a little guilty a little scared and the stimulation turns me on. We arrive at his apartment stairs, he makes me aware that its a long way to the top and I may want to take off my tall skinny heals before I attempt the climb. I submit. My breathing gets heavy and we reach his mangy unnumbered door. We don't even turn on the lights before we start undressing each other. I am almost there, I am so close to my goal. We finish up with our animalistic behavior, and he runs to the shower. I watched carefully before we had our relations to see where he left his clothes in the almost pitch black abode. I hear the water of the shower begin to run, and I hear his foot hit the hollow fiber glass bottom. Now is my chance I think to myself. I grab the jewelry on the night stand sloppily thrown in the heat of the moment. I feel around the floor and find his khaki pants, quickly I grab the wallet full of money. I take it all, and I run. I have won! My goal has been attained. Looks like my rent will be paid for the next few months. Thanks to this 'Jim' character who never even asked my name. Thanks to ';Jim' I had a blissful evening and will be taking my ladies out for the next evening. My only regret is in this small town I may happen to see this poor 'Jim' again...

Author's Note

I am not so proud of this one, but I like the ending.

Reviews

[Jim Parson]

It's a good story, a fun story, well told. The storytelling side of things was great, but the writing was very difficult to read. Without any formatting or appropriate punctuation, it was like reading one long run-on sentence. I think you have talent, but it is disguised by the distraction of not using any of the appropriate tools a real writer should use. It's a shame because it's really a very good story.

[Coyote Poetry]

Never leave you pant near with a strange woman. I like a old saying. If it is too good to be true. It isn't true. A very good story. Life is many lessons. Some to make us better and some to teach us to be wiser. Poor Jim may of learn a lesson? A excellent story. You gave me a surprise ending.
Coyote

[Christine Macdonald]

Powerful. Great ending.