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I've been struggling for quite some time now. I have relapsed a couple different times, started abusing substances again, and im finding it hard to combat the thoughts as well. I just have trouble feeling anything recently. I mean there are times where I stare off into space for hours mulling things over in my mind. It's really easy to state that I feel unfulfilled and sad, but there is also this ache that I don't know how to describe but.....nothing. There are the times that I am able to distract myself with the coping skills, music, reading, writing, talking to people, running, biking, but I wind up back here. What confuses me most is.....is this my reality? This sadness that I constantly fight. Or is it that sadness that keeps pulling me from what my reality truly is? Because I see glimpses, feel them occasionally but it's like water touching my tongue which does nothing for my dry achey throat. I desperately try to cling to them and make them stay because I want that for myself. I know what I have the capability of doing, but as of now I don't think I have the capacity to do it. How can I actually have the sadness leave...to have that bright yellow aura and actually feel it in my chest? To feel light and clear headed. How can I fix my brain? I want that reality instead of what I'm experiencing now. Is all of this about release? Is there still something I need to let go of in order to move on and experience joy? I remember back when I was a kid it wasn't always hard, I had friends, I wasn't afraid to be myself, and of course there was mammals house which I can revisit in my head sometimes and it still be my safe haven. But also in these memories I remember putting up barriers with each rejection, each disappointment, each time I was called a name, experienced abuse or pain...that child disappeared and was forced to grow up. She had to learn to cope, be strong, and protect herself however she knew how. You know I didn't come up with the idea of hurting myself on my own, the eating disorder yes, but the cutting and burning wasn't my own. I guess thats kind of a lie let me step back for a bit. In third grade I remember two things. The first time when we were learning about rocks and there was a shiny, smooth black one that had thin sharp edges and i cut my fingertips on it. I remember thinking I would never do it again. Then the second thing was that I would such on my arms and leave hickey's, I'm still not sure why. Honestly I had forgotten most of that until writing this down. Back to what I was saying it wasn't my idea, I met a girl in one of my creative writing classes and she cut, one day I asked her why? She explained to me that it helped her to make things she emotionally felt a physical pain. I didn't really think anything of it. Then one day when I was alone and upset I remembered what she said and I cut myself for the first time. I had done this for awhile when my brother introduced me to the eraser challenge. It was a new sensation, but i didnt like it as much because I couldn't see the blood. I remember telling people in school about burning myself with an eraser and they started doing it as well and the guilt and sickness I felt for myself after that. As I write this i guess I can understand more how I have ended up here, but I still don't understand why I can't feel happy or get free. With my cutting I do get the typical responses of, it will just be this one more time to get through this then i won't do it anymore. Or I will hold onto my razors but I won't use the. I just feel better knowing that they're there. But another thing I struggle with is once I achieve this or get this done everything will be great. I will feel so fulfilled, I won't be as stressed, and then I can work towards my next goal. Well it turns out I do it then it falls short or I feel good for one second and then it disappears like mist. This makes me feel so inadequate and makes me want to hurt myself sometimes. Other times it's like that's okay maybe we just have to do this and THEN it will be perfect. I feel guilty a lot of the time for giving in to impulses whether it be self harm, or substance abuse, sometimes I even feel guilty for talking about them, let alone confessing that I've done them. I feel people will get tired of hearing about it, or will say the same stuff they always do, " well don't do that!" "Why?!" "You're better than that" and confessing I've done it is sometimes worse than that because they blame themselves. I'm tired of the cycle I want to feel happiness. I want to shed the cocoon and walls ive built, the weight and be free. I know from the past I have to take it one day at a time......but when does it get better and i not fall back to this place? When do I learn to live with it and it not always be in the back of my mind lingering waiting for any sign of weakness?

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems, trigger warning