Sing The Changes

A Story by Lolo

Title from Paul McCartney's song Sing The Changes. This song means a lot to me and has made me the person that I am. I was inspired to write a little about a girl who has sung the changes.

I always think it will never happen again. I promised myself. It lasts for what seems to be forever. I reconcile with everyone. I 'm happy as ever, in fact, euphoric. Then the shift comes in. The worst feeling I can ever experience. A feeling filled with anguish, disappointment, and fear. Describe it in one word? Teased, no. Tortured, maybe. Tormented, that's the word. I'm in complete distress. Every episode gets worse and worse. If you can't tell already, I have bipolar disorder. I've been like this since I can remember. For a few months, I feel incredible. During this time I'm an amazing person. A little vain but hey I like it. I have a great self- image, I'm ultra friendly. My life is perfect. Then out of nowhere something just triggers me. For example, rejection, an argument, failure, stress. I can go on forever, really. At that moment my whole world shifts from "The glass is half full." to "The glass is half empty." You can feel the exact moment when that shift happens. It's a sharp surge of energy that rushes through your body. You can feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. There I was, sitting next to the window listening to the roar of the thunder. My surroundings were completely somber. I didn't know what to feel. Yesterday I graduated high school. I was announced as valedictorian. My mom was so proud of me I was supergirl. Captain of the debate team, class president, star actress in the musical theatre club. I did everything. My family was of course showing me off. Taking photos, putting them on Facebook so they can show their friends that I'm better than any other "kid" they know. I was known in the family as the future first woman president. That's all my mom wanted; to see me in the white house. Today, my mom asked me where was my plaque. Trying to be a little funny, I said "Up my a*s." It was somewhat in protest to everyone's exaggerated reaction to everything that has been going on with my graduation. My mom instantly got infuriated.

"HOW DARE YOU USE THAT LANGUAGE WITH ME!"

That's when it came. The surge of energy. I blacked out for what felt like forever all I heard were the livid mumbling of my mother. My vision was completely blurred I was in a trance. Then, the shift came in and I was reinforced in the worst was possible.

"DID I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION? I'M MOVING OUT ANY DAY NOW SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT." I knew I would rue those words afterward.

"You are living under my roof, young lady." If you want go out into the street."

"This is how you treat your little 'perfect valedictorian'. The one who got accepted by Harvard!?! Go hang yourself!."

My words were followed by her heavy steps into my room and the piercing sound of shattering glass and slammed doors. In an instant, there were all my belongings trashed outside the porch. I felt numb. Three words, three simple words caused all this to happen. I stuffed everything into my black and yellow polka dotted Volkswagen Beetle my mom gave me for my 16th birthday. The irony, right? I checked in to the closest hotel I could find. A decent Holiday Inn. I didn't expect to stay there long. I sat down and then I heard the deafening sound of thunder. Consequentially, the lights went out. Then darkness took over. I began to sob uncontrollably. I reached into my purse, took out a pencil sharpener, smashed it against a table, took the razor and slashed my arms. I felt alive, complete. I felt accomplished as I watched the blood drain from my arms. I was losing myself, I became insane. The shift has gotten the best of me. I was ready to end my life right there. That's when I heard the noise of my phone ringing.

Sing the changes

as you're sleeping

feel the quiet

in the thunder

Despite my the unacceptable state of mind I picked up the phone.

"Hello?" My voice was completely cracked and nastily from all the sobbing.

"Hi, this is Julian Robinson from Juilliard's School of the Arts. Is this Isabella Martinez?"

"Yes, it is."

"Great news, I have called to inform you that you have been accepted to Juilliard's vocal program. Congratulations, we have mailed to all the forms for you to sign by June 30th."

"Oh um, well, wow. Thank you so much."

"Have a great day, Isabella."

"Thanks, you too."

Well, isn't my life a circus? I couldn't help but start laughing. I didn't know how to react. I was ready to kill myself and here I am with the greatest news of my life. Only problem is my mom doesn't support my singing career. She pretty much forced me into wanting to become a politician. I "couldn't waste my intelligence". Well guess what. F**k my mom. I'm living out my dream. It's my time. No more of these manic episodes. I'm going to make my dreams come true. I drove quickly to my mom's house to pick up the mail. I wrote a note to leave at her doorstep.

Dear mother,

  You have made my life miserable. Ever since we first here to Florida, I was lonely. Bullied everyday. I was the outcast, everyone chose me to be there little voodoo doll to stabbed in the back. Second grade I came up to you and told you I was depressed. You yelled at me and told me never to use that word again. I didn't know what to fell. I was trapped. That's all my life has been. Entrapment. Over the years you ignored my signs. The anti-social attitude, not coming out of the house, my paranoia. I had obvious cuts zig zagged along my arms. You denied everything and told me I just wanted attention. Finally around six grade you noticed I've been losing weight. I was indeed starving myself. You were demanding the words "I'm anorexic" to disperse out of my mouth. You wondered why I wouldn't say it. The answer? You taught me to push things away and deny them. In my perception, I wasn't anorexic. I was pushing aside all the depression. I mean need for attention away. You called me sick, disgusting, a waste of space. Freshman year, You tricked me into going to a psychiatrist. That was the moment you lost my trust. I sat there answering every question I was asked honestly. I wanted to shut you up and get this over with. I never wanted to go to a psychiatrist because you said I had no problem in second grade when I said I wanted to sleep forever. What made that any different from now? You failed as a mother. You made my problem grow, and grow. Until I finally burst. I came so close to ending my life. Then I got a calling. My dreams are finally coming true. I not going to be the first women president mom. I'm going to be the first lesbian to play Evita on Broadway. Mark my words. There is NOTHING you can do to stop me. Goodbye, f**k you and good riddance.

                              Your daughter,

                                      Isabella.



      I am now singing the changes.