False Hope

Sometimes I wonder what time it is

But its hard to find out when you're

Sure all the clocks are incorrect

Because the first half of your day you spent

Awake felt much longer than it actually was

Now thats a good day

 

So enjoy that thought

 

Because it only lasts for a moment

After that I have to pray that my dad's ok

And after that I've gotta pretend I'll know what

To say to God as he silently questions me

About my guilt, my depression, and my doubts

Because after that I've got to still be a Christian

Because after that I've got to dream about

Everything thats not a sin

And after that I've got to wake up and

Go to church and pretend to be lively

Pretending nobody yelled at home

Pretending I knew i would belong

Pretending my mother wasn't wrong

Pretending I prayed twice as much as I ate

Pretending God made appointments to bless

and was never late

Because after that, I've got to somehow convince myself

That the way I live reminds me of everybody

 

 

But this feeling is long gone

 

Although I remember it like it wasn't yesterday

Like it was an hour ago

Like the false sense of hope I had

Still kicks me around letting me know

Its no longer around

And it hates its replacement

 

But I'm at least ambivalent

About its replacement

 

What its been replaced with is a

Generic value of living

Something that I have to constantly redefine because

Each subsequent moment questions each preceding

Revelation

Each preceding realization that I'm doing the right thing

That I'm not convincing myself of anything

BUt the irony in trying to remind yourself you're not

Convincing yourself is...

Well...I'm sure you know what that is

Its a false sense of hope