Bad Habits

Everyone gets bad habits, but sometimes that can change a person drastically.

She was the child every parent wanted, her friends parents trusted her more than their kids. Never snuck out, dressed sloppy, didn't talk much about herself, didn't have an obsession with technology, she read everywhere she went. She was good in school and was always there. She had good friends who did bad things and she worshiped them, wishing she had the courage to try things and not caring if her parents knew. One day she had that courage with us, she changed that day. And it was all our fault. Although, I don't regret it everyone is to bound to be like us, all it takes is letting go. 
She wanted to know what it was like to have fun like us, so we gave her the key open the door into our world. To society we are burnouts, but to her we were care free, and she admired us. Because we had fun, because we always had stories to tell that always caught her attention and she wanted to tell a story like ours and be care free, but she wasn't aware of the price.
Only some can handle it, it could take time if you do it right, not too much at once and not so often. Too much can be too obvious and cause you to change too quickly. The other bad thing is when other people see what you are starting, they want you to join them, the difference between them and us is that we watch over one another. You have to watch who you are around, some can be good around, and others can ruin your life. She took the wrong turn, she put her trust in the wrong people.
There were times when it was just us, but even then I still did it around her. She started asking to try but I knew it wasn't her thing, I always denied and kept it close to my mouth. You could tell we were close by the way she acted around me versus the group of us, she liked me more. She sat on the couch close to me and leaned against me so we would look at each other "just one please" she tried to lock eyes with me but I looked away with a small smile to show I was amused. "No I told you I'm not going to let you" I said taking a hit and breathing it out slow and she sat up with a frown. I hated when she looked like that, as if she was ditched by her friends and had nobody left. We would argue for another five minutes and it was almost done. "Fine" I break down before becoming annoyed. She sits on the couch and I hover over her. "Breathe in with your nose when you see it" she nods before I cup my hands under her cheeks and blow out a large cloud of smoke, she breathes majority of it in and sits there. I put it out afterwards and sit next to her. She doesn't move or speak so I wait. "That was kind of cool" she says looking at me now and I start to smile "that was how I did my first time, for you it'll work in a couple minutes but not that hard. We talked and I began to notice it kick in as my jokes became funnier, the silence became longer and it took more time to get a sentence out of her.

If we're being honest I liked her, as a friend and way more than that. She loved my deep conversations because she has them too. She knows a lot of my secrets but some I don't remember revealing. I liked who she was before, when she entered her downward spiral I didn't like it, she wasn't the same but that happens to everyone at one point, but some are able to get out of it. I let her try a little at a time, but it was like slowly giving a child candy, they become impatient. We never told the group and she was okay with that, she wanted to "surprise them" in her words. I just wanted it to be our thing, also they would kill me if the only good kid suddenly became like us. I fell for her on a separate level, we're teenagers who have urges and feelings that are confusing. But with her it wasn't confusing, and I respected her wishes. But just like the changes we tried little at a time. Flirtatious advances towards each other became frequent and was too much to hide so everyone knew, but not everyone backed off. She was a regular beautiful teenage girl of course she had trouble, but I had no trouble protecting her.

One night we all hung out and had our usual night in the basement talking about our week. It was the first time the group saw what I created, she had skill and was able to handle herself. She crashed on my bed and I got yelled by everyone about what I did. "How could you do that to her, she was a good kid" I look down disappointed in myself "she kept asking so I said f**k it and I gave her the river. I didn't start her off right away" I say with a shrug remembering it so vividly. "How long has this been going on" god it sounds like my parents were chewing me out "I don't know a couple weeks but it's every once and a while not everyday" the all sigh and walk away from me "what all of you would have done the same thing" I sit down feeling irritated "no because she was the only sane one in this group and now you ruined her" they all get up and leave without another room. After all the seriousness I walk up to my room and see her asleep, gosh she looked so beautiful as she laid in a place so sacred to me. I leave a respectable amount of space between us even though I didn't want to. She looked so innocent, it's hard to even think about how bad she would become from then to now.
She would slowly become dead inside and like any great and pure mind, she would become insane. With the effect of what it took to take her mind off of her troubles. I would gradually see her less and less as she didn't need me anymore to distract her from her stress, she found new friends who didn't try to stop her from having "fun." Those people weren't like us, they were the ones who cared about no one but themselves but did care about everybody having a good time no matter the price. Those rare days I did see her, she ran out of money and needed to relax, even with all of my energy she knew how to let my guard down and always repaid the favor in a way I am now ashamed of. On those rare moments I look at those tired brown eyes desperately trying to speak but her mouth did all of that for her. She never called; only texted. I would try to say hello but her face became buried in her phone. I had met with her parents three times, the first time I was so nervous my clothes made me look homeless and my hair was messed up from the windows being rolled down in the car. The second time was even worse, they knew how I was but I was the only one who took her out and she would never stop talking about me. So when I drove over I thought they would blame me when I wouldn't deny it but I would apologize. I cleaned up more than the first time and we talked mainly about her. I did end up apologizing but they didn't fully blame be because they noticed I wasn't around anymore, I wasn't the daily conversation. I told them I would do anything to help her, I kept my word.
I would go out of my way to see her now, talk to her while she went to class. She never minded and at times she would be the same girl I met but one day as I walked towards her and thought of topics to talk about she turned and walked the other way. I followed not understanding on why she left. "You're an a*****e" I could hear her say as she walked faster. "Why am I an a*****e?" I pick up the pace to try and catch up but she turns and we bump into each other "do you feel sorry for me or something, do you think I wouldn’t notice you've been acting so strange?" My emotions change too quickly "Me acting strange? Look at you, you look like you haven't slept in days and every time I see you, you're impaired." I grab her arm but she pushes away "do you feel sorry for me or something because don't, I'm fine, I'm happy" I scoff what dumb answer "this is not what okay looks like, it's so bad your parents even notice you're not the same that's why I've been around so much, so don't get pissed at me because you need help!" Those last four words were louder than I anticipated I only noticed when her emotion changed. From angry to hurt and offended "Trust me I would know when I turn into a burnout like you, I should have listened to my friends when you came back out of nowhere."

"Burnout" replayed in my head over and over. I've heard it from teachers and adults, but from a person I loved. I stood there as I got stabbed with a knife and my killer walked away not caring about my well-being. I learned my lesson about helping her "she didn't need it." I never told the group about my encounter with the girl we once called friend. There were stories all around the school about her, who she was talking to, seeing her at all the parties, how hot she was becoming it was sick. The girl who sat in the back now with all the partiers who said whatever she felt. If she was at a party I was at, I would get out the door as soon as I saw her. She did things way worse than a couple months ago in my basement. 
Towards the middle of senior year she began to call again asking to hang out, and as a dumbass would be I would agree. "Can I ask you a question, and it's not to offend you it's a serious question" the nod was slow but was given "are you like okay?" Those brown eyes feel like they were becoming black as I stared into them looking for the old innocent girl "what do you mean" her head tilts slightly trying to understand "I mean you do all of this stuff and yeah it’s fun at the moment but look at what it's doing to you." I sat close showing the seriousness of this conversation. "Yeah I know" her shoulders shrug and she looks away, I'm losing her. "So you are okay, because if you are that's great but if you're not then say something" holding her hand made her look at me again "am what" "okay" she sighs and takes her hand away "I'm not" her fingers run through her hair, I can feel she's agitated "then let me help you, that's all I want to do" she doesn't say a word but her grabbing me into a hug meant a yes. We hung out again more and more. I fell in love again though I shouldn't have been.
Our relationship was fine but we still messed around with things we shouldn't, she was upset because we were getting bored with each other. The conversations were the same, the love became the same, and we began to fight more than ever. We both threatened to walk away but I still showed up at her doorstep to see her. An unknown number would change that. I picked it up thinking it was another college message while hanging with the group. Desperate crying and sniffs roared on the other end "hello" is my first response "you need to come down, you need to be here for her" the voice so familiar and so different with the crying the next words would lead me to a hospital by her house. I run thinking there's a chance, a chance to see her brown eyes once more. Her smile saying my name all of our memories playing in my head as I burst over and over again through the doors until the familiar face to the familiar voice on the phone. The last time I met with her parents, her mother was crying into her father, and her father crying into his hand. My stomach drops and my heart stops, my mind so confused to what is happening. "I...I went to get her to get out of bed, she looked like she was sleeping, I shook her over and over and nothing, I look over and she a pill bottle empty" her mother cries again harder into her father. All of us confused as to why she did this, why would the love of my life leave me in this lonely world without a word of notice.

Author's Note

This story may be confusing to some. I purposely didn't use names or state the main character's gender.

Reviews

[Chris Green]

The narrative style is not always easy to read and is sometimes vague which makes the story a little less vivid that it could be. However the author shows a sophisticated feel for story structure and the presentation of realistic characters.