The Bullshit Shop

A Story by Ishwar Grewal

The convenience store

*Door chimes*ding*ding*

Shopkeeper(*deadpan and robotic tone*): “Welcome to the bullshit shop, we sell stuff that helps you do things as per your convenience. How may I help you?”

Visitor: “Umm…I…I was just passing by and was fascinated by the name of the shop. What exactly do you sell?”

Shopkeeper: “Ohh…you name it we sell it” (*awkward chuckle and then an instant straight face*)

*awkward silence*

Visitor(*puzzled*): “So…What do you sell?...What’s that black and white device?”

(pointing up at the top shelf just behind the shopkeeper to break the silence and eye contact)

Shopkeeper: “Ooo…That’s the true colors device. Right now, it is Black and White but once you feed data into it, it will show you true colors. But the catch is that you need at least 6 months of data to get accurate results. So... yeah.”

Visitor: “Okay, and what are those dropper vials just next to it?”

Shopkeeper: “Those are CROC-T drops. They don’t sell much these days as humans have managed to naturally form crocodile tears. But these can help you get through a lot of situations! It is still one of the best ways to trick people!”

Visitor: “Hmmmm… An interesting collection you have.”

“What are these now? These look like scrabble tiles!”

(Pointing down at the items placed on a stand near the shopkeeper’s desk)

Shopkeeper: “Ahh…. These are the cheapest items of this entire shop! WORDS, they sell a dime a dozen.

You can even get them customized in any language you like- free of charge!”

Visitor: “Woah… this is a strange little shop that you have.”

Shopkeeper (*with a bit of thrill*): “Isn’t it? It is a ‘CONVENIENCE’ store after all. Come, let me show you around a bit.”

Shopkeeper (pointing towards a shelf with the least maintained items, like, a cube of dice up to 2, a helmet without strap, a book with a cover but no contents inside, sunglasses with one broken lens, multiple coffee jars with only a tablespoon amount of coffee in each, and so on)

“This right here is the ‘bare minimum’ shelf and I guess its function speaks for itself. But it is also my personal favorite you know?, getting best results by putting least amount of efforts! Hehehe(*evil giggle*)”

“ALTHOUGH!! Although! Although! on the very opposite rack right here we have the very organic C-PILLS. The consistency pills, which you have to take once a day at the exact same time. One missed dose and you’ll have to start over. Damn! I am not a fan of these to be honest. Who is anyways tho?”

“Then over here we have the mouth shutters” (pointing towards a collection of dentures) “These help you be a better listener or at least pretend to be one. Haaaah! Once you wear these the back of your upper incisors and lower incisors are bound together. The only drawback is that, these will make your smile look weird, other than that, these will work fine if you have troubles keeping your mouth shut, or if you have the interrupt in between ailment.”

Visitor(*puzzled*): “Ammm…I don’t think I need any of these, I think I should go.”

Shopkeeper (*with a lot of thrill now*): “WAIT! Hold on! I have something for you, and this one just arrived. I can offer you a personal discount if you like it. Just have a look”

(Shopkeeper walking towards the other end of the shop towards a locked glass cabinet displaying multiple watches, Intrigued Visitor follows the shopkeeper)

Shopkeeper (*taking out one of the watches and showing it to the visitor*): “As I said, these are latest from our exclusive collection- ‘The Smart Mirror Watch’. The watch is AI-powered and will help you act and behave like any person you like by the means of alerts, suggestions, vibrations. All you have to do is place the picture of the person you want to copy or mirror as a background when you wear it, that’s it. The is, is, is the best deceiving device ever been made, Be the invisible con artist. Be what you know will reel others in!”

Visitor(*unimpressed*): “I don’t think I want to be someone I am not, I gotta….”

Shopkeeper (*hastily*): “Ahhh… I have one more item to show you, maybe I can change your mind”

(Shopkeeper and visitor back to the original places now near the main desk)

Shopkeeper (taking out a deck of cards from the drawer): “I think you will like these, these are the denial cards, a total of 420 cards with back to back tips on how to take no responsibility whatsoever, no accountability. 420 real life case scenarios on how to deny that you are wrong. What a wonderful gift to give it to someone? Or you can keep it for yourself!”

Visitor(*sickened*): “I did not really like any of these items. This is just so unkind and bullshit…. ”

Shopkeeper: “Wait a minute, are you an empath? Haaah! Jesus! You, the rare species. What are you doing here at my shop? Haaahaa”

“You know we guys have special pun items used for pranking you empath guys, and these sell the most in our people. Hhahahha”

“Let me show you a few”

(showing the visitor sunglasses with poop emoji on it) “These are the poop glasses, these help you see through other peoples’ bullshit. Hahaha, hilarious!!”

(showing the visitor a box of huge ties with a tiny pair of scissors) “These are for you guys to practice cutting off ties. Hahaha, you guys never learn!!”

(showing the visitor a dog collar) “This is for you guys to find your way back to you when you lose yourself! Hahaha! It is so fun pranking you guys!”

Visitor(*sickened*): “I am gonna go. Your shop is really disgusting ”

(while the visitor was leaving the shopkeeper calls him out from behind)

Shopkeeper(*in a serious tone*): “Hey! Listen! I was at your place a few years ago, I was also an empath. But then I joined this community” (handing over a card to the vistor)

“These guys have community meetings ever Wednesday evening and they go by the Idea: Make a difference by being Indifferent”

“They will help you with your addiction to being so sensitive. I have been sober for two years now, and have been indifferent for the past two years. Check them out once if you like, life is way better and easier this side, my man”

(Visitor leaves the shop repulsed by the whole interaction and shopkeeper goes back to his deadpan expression”