Before Leaving

This is a very old poem. For a friend who left me alone in this world without notice.

 

I’ve left my poetry

On the desk

but kept

The impact uncovered

 

I’ve left our letters

 near the book shelf

and erased the dates and addresses

 

The balcony is open

the breeze is balanced

The armchair’s vacant for you

 

I’ve made your favorite meat preparation

but I’m sorry

If it’s become a touch cold by now

 

I’ve preserved our first night

Over the bed sheet

and it’s

Looking as good as new

 

I’ve trapped our promises 

in poor English, French, Russian, Marathi

Between the secret lines of my diary

 

I’ve kept our fights and stalemates

in the cupboard

But forgive me

I haven’t left any money

 

Before leaving

I locked my cancer

In the box which contains my ashes

 

Just dispose it carefully

Before you prepare to die.

Author's Note

I know you might feel this is very immature compared to my usual works.
This was written when I was 15. And for a very close friend. Many observations are between her and me, hence they might sound meaningless to you. Bear with me.

Reviews

[Annette Jay Sweeney]

Whenever you post these older works and say they are immature in comparison I wish I could show you how they look from my point of view. While you have surely grown, I think most 15 year-olds couldn't write like this. I know I didn't. There is something very different in your style, and this shows you had it even that early. These observations don't sound meaningless, I feel that there is a lot of meaning seeping out of it. The reader just needs to reach out and grasp it.

[Doreen]

I didn't hear immature in this at all. I felt sadness, loss, regret, anger, and love. I think you did a fabulous job.

[Christopher.Holmberg]

juvenile yet brilliant!

[DeathByChoice]

This is great! Really great! Although the last line kind of through me off. The rest of the poem made me think of longing, like you wanted to be with someone after they had given up on you, making everything perfect for them even though they wont come, but then the last line seems malicious, almost like you wanted revenge, which just kind of through me off....
But either way it was an amazing piece!

[Angela Mulley]

"I’ve left my poetry
On the desk
but kept
The impact uncovered

I’ve left our letters
near the book shelf
and erased the dates and addresses

The balcony is open
the breeze is balanced
The armchair’s vacant for you

I’ve made your favorite meat preparation
but I’m sorry
If it’s become a touch cold by now

I’ve preserved our first night
Over the bed sheet
and it’s
Looking as good as new

I’ve trapped our promises
in poor English, French, Russian, Marathi
Between the secret lines of my diary

I’ve kept our fights and stalemates
in the cupboard
But forgive me
I haven’t left any money"

I like this a lot, it's one of the best poems I've read in a while, the only thing I would suggest, is that you lose this...

"Before leaving
I locked my cancer
In the box which contains my ashes

Just dispose it carefully
Before you prepare to die."

...it kind of through it off slightly for me, imho. But like I said, it's one of the best poems I've read in a while, well done.

[EMW]

I didn't think this was immature. It was interesting in a good way.

[MissWordSmith]

I am going to have to agree with JB Murray, I was completely lost.
However, I can tell you what I felt while reading this..
I felt sad, like you had given up, like you had accepted a loss on the surface, but inside it still cleansed you of your life.
Just my thoughts... no idea if that's what you were talking about, even vaguely, but there you go, that's my interpretation. I could be absolutely wrong. :)

[JB Murray]

In all honesty, I am lost with this one... though I think it's a sound pice for someone of 15 when it was written, it's meaning escapes now even after having read it several times. It may just be that I have never been in such a place in my life, or age has weathered me against the ideas this piece conveys... However I must be clear that I do not dislike it, only lost with it...

[Inner Rain]

15? no comment...
Its nice. :D simple but nice. i like this part:

I’ve trapped our promises
in poor English, French, Russian, Marathi
Between the secret lines of my diary

It different. good work! :)

[Mike Espinosa]

This is an interesting start. Your emotions come through fairly well, even while some of the stanzas were lost to me.

I suggest revising some of your breaks. They feel a little awkward. For example, "I’ve left my poetry/ On the desk / but kept / The impact uncovered" I think the last break feels weird. Especially when pausing at the line breaks. I think it can serve as a 3 line stanza.

In the second stanza, you have an extra space in the second line, i.e. " near the book shelf." I don't know if you were trying to indent or not, but that's an easy fix.

This is kind of a "me"thing, but I try to avoid excessive connecting words. The last line of the second stanza, "and erased the dates and addresses," could be rearranged to be shorter, without the and. I think it could work as "the addresses and dates erased."

This may be another me thing, but "I’ve preserved our first night / Over the bed sheet" doesn't feel right. I want it to be "under," not "over." This is probably a personal reference. If it is, disregard this comment.

Right after that "and it’s / Looking as good as new" shows the connected rod and break problems I mentioned earlier. I think it can work as "it’s looking good as new," with the elimination of 1 "as."

Stanzas 6 and 7 are lost to me. I am almost definitely sure that they are personal references to your friend. So, I won't offer any critique of them.

I don't understand why there is an extra long break between those and the last 2 stanzas. If it's a different setting or emotion, the normal stanza break is sufficient.

"Before leaving / I locked my cancer / In the box which contains my ashes" I think can be revised a little. The break between the second and third lines feel a bit off. It's mostly a "my voice" thing. The break seems to be happening in the middle of a phrase. I would suggest "I locked my cancer in the box / that contains my ashes."

The use of the period at the end of the poem set off a little pet peeve of mine. I accepted that the poem was going to be a free verse poem, free of punctuation after I read the first 7 stanzas. Suddenly, a period comes into play at the end, and the whole poem becomes a giant run-on sentence. This is an easy fix. I suggest either no punctuation or punctuation throughout. As long as it's uniform and clear.

Overall, this is a great start. Your emotions and personal connection with the individual you wrote about are great. Good job.

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

I didn't realize it was lame at all..may be it is not satisfactory a work for you but i like it nevertheless..it is poignant,effective and deep..with words that just fit in well.