Vision, October 1999

A dream from childhood.

Vision, October 1999

 

In the cornered streets of one’s mind

One finds the distorted remains

Of what once used to be mindful

 

Ravens wait at the carcasses of goats

And rats scamper into routine hiding places

days shift seasons

Into a fading oblivion

 

Matchsticks scratch and then flicker

Fade out into a vibrating flame

 

Poets tackle their own footsteps,

Jump over small puddles, the color

Of fresh blood on ignored tar

 

But I think you’ve forgotten to notice

The lovely ribbons of lights, discarded from heaven

Turning crimson on contact with concrete

 

And the careful journey of black clouds

Against their own white outline

Maybe hiding a decayed sun

 

At such times one must become a zombie

To walk excuseless

In the streets of one’s mind

 

Who knows

One may find many lost reasons

Of what once used to be

 

The surreal aim of life’s dream

 

 

 

Author's Note

Use of simple words is on purpose.

Reviews

[Devons]

This is an interesting little exploration of perspective through memory. The dark side and the light side. The significant possiblities that may lie discarded in either. Sometimes it may explain who we really are, though we may well have lost sight of it somewhere along the paths we often inexplicably seem to take. Perhaps it indicates that life is far from a journey of chosen and accidental routes, and that fate (depending on what you call fate) is insidiously taking charge and controlling the illogical signposts.

"The surreal aim of life’s dream."

...A profound examination of the dark inscrutability of the mind.. and life.

PS. "Of what once used to mindful" >>> shouldn't that read "..we used to BE mindful.." ??

[hollie]

omg wow this poem brought tears to me eyes reminds me of my life its amzingly written absolutely beautiful nice job hun !!

[R.S. Wilder]

"And the careful journey of black clouds
Against their own white outline
Maybe hiding a decayed sun..."

This hit me so hard...
Huh.

[alesuriko]

Wonderfully written. Great imagery, I loved every word of this poem. Although, for sake of rhythm and flow, I think it would sound better if you removed the "then" in "Matchsticks scratch and then flicker." I especially loved "the careful journey of black clouds / Against their own white outline / Maybe hiding a decayed sun." Beautiful imagery.

[hanzabonanza]

Wow! So other-wordly and magical- such vibrant imagery really grabs the reader. well done :)

[Prateeksha Khot]

I like reading your poems. You hav a very distinctive style in use of words and phrases

[zombiikillah666]

first....whats wrong with simple words..? hahaha,
i found that i didnt like using really big fancy words,
thats how i use to write my poems. didnt work well
with what i like to do..haha. but i really like your work,
so you do a good job at it. lol. xD
and second....this is about me..i saw my name....
and i feel honored to mentioned. hahha. kidding.
but, yeaaa, i like this, good write. (:

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I think to properly review this I'll offer some helpful critique to point out where it could (and should) be improved. In the third line you have a sentence that makes no sense. I would at least inject the word "be" between "to" and "mindful". In the next line we have, "Raven wait at the carcass of goats" If it is (one) raven, then he "waits" not "wait" If it is more than one, "Ravens" wait. And if you have more than one goat, surely there must be more than one carcass. So that should be "carcasses". I would also drop the single lettered word "a" from lines seven and nine, it isn't needed and to drop it will help tighten the structure. In the fifth stanza you switch from an impersonal tone to a personal one with this line, "But I think you’ve forgotten to notice" Before it was "one' or "one's" and now it is "you" and I, as the reader, assume that "you" means me. You could keep it impersonal by saying something like, "One might forget to notice..." but I would advise either making the entirety personal or impersonal. I hope this helps. I like the phrasing here and the visual effects of the journey into the mind. Well done.

[Mike Espinosa]

This is an interesting poem. You tackled a complex subject and addressed it well.

However, your line breaks are awkward at times. They seem to be in the middle of phrases, or you put the end of one sentence with the beginning of another on the same line, which confuses the meaning of the statements.

You use punctuation in some places, but not in others, this also confuses what's going on in the poem. I suggest you either use punctuation throughout the poem or not at all. As long as it's uniform.

You have a good start here, though. Great job.

[Ruth]

Simple words? lol This is a clever poem hon!
A really moving piece too
Dark, saddening and yet realisatin creeping in, nice work!
xx