Phénix

Any opinions on if I should change the rhyming scheme to ABAB instead of the current AABB? New one, would like some opinions!

Phoenix

This is the tale of a girl who is blind,

  she sees her life through a tormented mind.

This is why I have come to tell you,

  that no matter what, this Phoenix, shines true.

A quick blade to the wrist,

  thinned by demons but sun-kissed. 

A blade pressed close to the thigh,

  nobody dares to to turn and ask her why.

She is beautiful and shines,

  as she recites her learnt lines.

She doesn't realise her allure,

  all she sees is the body she helped disfigure.

A boy calls her name,

  she runs, they are all the same.

She has been hit far too often, 

  to hand them the gun again.

She is clouded by her past and present,

  to even consider how the future could be pleasant.

Too heavily chained and tied, 

  Too many pieces, broken inside.

She just has to learn to remember,

  She is a only tiny flame, an ember.

It takes time to burn brighter,

  and to find the angel to light her. 

It takes time to rise high from the ashes,

  and to overcome some down-to-earth crashes.

She will crumble, and cry, and fall

  But she will rise again, be there no doubt at all.

She is a phoenix, a bird, a creature.

  Of only one thing can we really be sure,

do not try to take her powers,

  for she would die, and the guilt, be ours.

So to end this tale, I tell to thee, 

  remember,remember, please, that she,

She is a child of head and a warrior of heart,

  she made slave of the fire that couldn't tear her apart.

Stand by her and you will see,

  the truth in these words spoken by me.

She will learn to chase her dreams.

  and that the world is not always, as bad as it seems...

Author's Note

Based on the idea that a girl is stronger than she thinks, that she will one day realise this on her own. Comments/criticism would be great! Going to try add some more references to "phoenix" soon, sorry if that is not how its spelt!

Reviews

[Purbleazaleya]

this version definitely sounds better than the first! I love how this is so inspirational and this persona can be an inspiration to other girls out there who is depresed or having problems. We all think that we will never survive the pain, but if we preservere, we will come out a newer, better and stronger person. Very fitting tittle for this poem. :-D

[Jason Baptiste]

Wow As a new kinda not so young writer I'am blown away by this tremendous captivating writing Its so amazing Great I loved it

[Purbleazaleya]

It may be incomplete, but I already get a strong picture of what this is about. It's very true that many girls out there become depressed after a few failed relationships and find it hard to trust again. Loneliness can take a very strong toll and it may lead them to even cut themselves to relieve some of the emotional pain. Girls need to be strong and try and find a way to move on and trust again. I look forward to the finished version of this very much.

[Sami Khalil]

"She just has to learn to remember,
She is a only tiny flame, an ember.
It takes time to burn brighter,
And to find the angel to light her.
It takes time to rise high from the ashes,
and to overcome some down-to-earth crashes."

You shine in the alluring of The Phoenix. Some waste their dreams and some chase them for realization...Excellent...:)...........

[Isadora Swift]

Thank you! Much appreciated once again!

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)............................