Chapter 1 ~ The Faithful Servant

Chapter 1 ~ The Faithful Servant

A Chapter by Cierra
"

Arcubella is taken in by who she believes to be the leader of the aliens. But she's come to discover that they might not be aliens at all. They were Gods.

"

Chapter 1 ~ The Faithful Servant


The only thing this world saw now was destruction and pain. Ever since the war began, people started to doubt their ability to trust anyone. It was 2135 when the alien type creatures decided to visit. People are afraid of what they don't know - what they don't understand; so in light of their landing, we instantly brought up our guard, making them feel threatened. You would think that we would greet them with hospitality, however their form was what we really feared. They resembled something like the Anubis Gods but with many eyes and some even had wings. When they first came here, they meant no harm but by the time we realized that, we had already done too much for them to forgive.


The war had already begun.


Their technology was much more advanced than ours, as anyone would have suspected. So the attempts to fight in the battle and conquer were futile. They enslaved us within just a few days of the battle. Since the beginning, more and more kept appearing. Their ships pretty much engulfed the skies now. I remember staring up at one while I took a break from my work. It was a crimson red with some off symbols inscribed underneath. They were triangular, rather than your typical circular UFOs you hear about on television. One of the beasts that came off that ship walked up to me with a staff-like stick in hand and at the top, it curved up in a blade-like fashion. The only thing I could do was admire it's features. Everyone referred to them as the Anubis aliens because of their close resemblance to the Egyptian gods.


As I sat on the ground, covered in dirt, it stared at me, speaking its language towards the others that began to surround me. Their incomprehensible conversation began to get hostile but as soon as it began, it ended. Was this some kid of ruler over the rest? It wore some flashy medals around it's drapes and his wings were clad with jewels and gold strands that ran along each feather so delicately. “You. Come.” I didn't hesitate to follow it's order. By the sound of its voice and the masculine build, I assumed it was male. “You know our language?” Questioning him, he turned to me and nodded, “Do not speak until I tell you, female mammal.” A part of me could only laugh a little bit, but that laughter was hidden behind my lips. Female mammal? What kind of address was that? Nonetheless, I did as I was told. “What is your calling?” He asked as we walked back to his ship. “Arcubella, sir.” He said nothing to my response.


Once we entered the ship, my eyes wandered around; there were other humans on this ship, but many of them were in chains and cages, nothing but skin and bone. Was this the same fate as me? I felt a rush of coldness run up my spine as the fear hit me. Suddenly, the hands of the Anubis Alien wrapped around the back of my neck, as he pulled me back to walk with him. I could feel the question beneath my lips, “Am I going to end up like them?” I was afraid of the consequences if I asked without being directed to speak. So, my mouth remained shut and silent.


Moving down a hall, I spotted more symbols inscribed over the golden walls. It dawned on me that these aliens were beginning to be more and more Egyptian-like than we thought. What if these really were the Gods of Anubis? What if they weren't aliens at all, and they were Gods who had come to reclaim their lands? No, that's absurd... Isn't it? I was beginning to question my own sanity before I was addressed again. “Servant. You are mine. You answer to only me.” I nodded to his words and he handed me a pendant along with a fitting dress. “Put this on.” I hesitated to take it, but when I did, he rushed me to put it on. “Now.” He ordered, sitting down on a large chair made of what looked like bones. Quickly, I did as he said.


The dress was a silky material; a light baby blue with navy trim, fitting my form perfectly. The pendant was a stone unlike anything I had ever seen before. The chain looped around my neck like a collar and then dangled down so that the stone sat directly above my cleavage.


I didn't just become his servant. I became his trophy.



© 2014 Cierra


Author's Note

Cierra
Yeeeah. Chapters will be short. Enjoy

My Review

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Reviews

I can't comment on the tenses as I struggle with that myself but I think this could be a great book.


Posted 10 Years Ago


Cierra

10 Years Ago

Thank you!
This is an interesting concept, and it's drawn out really nicely.
I think you should be wary of using clichés, cause stuff like "I was beginning to question my own sanity before I was addressed again." sounds a little pre-made. Also, as a sci-fi lover, it's odd to me that anyone would be able to look and listen to an alien and guess it's gender, as though there are similarities between species. It sounds like they aren't mammalian? Females are bigger and have a lower pitch call with a lot of species.
Also, you should stick to a tense. You kinda demonstrate in the first sentence the problem through the rest of it, "The only thing this world saw now was destruction and pain." this is both present and past tense, as now suggests present and saw and was suggests past. It's distracting from the story at large, especially when it's also told from first person.
In general, I like what you've done here. The desciptions of the aliens are juicy, I'd like to see then on the big screen.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Compartment 114
Compartment 114
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Wow, this already seems interesting. Looking forward to the trophy mold being broken

Posted 10 Years Ago


Cierra

10 Years Ago

Thank you!
I love where this is going. I'm curious to read the next part.
I think another editing pass is due however. There is some strange sentence construction that creates some temperal confusion. And a spot or two where there is some repetition that is unnecessary.

Other than grammar, sometimes I feel like the first person effect is working while other times it seems to be someone else talking but using first person. Its hard to explain but I believe it has to do with the words you pick. I'm confused as to the kind of person telling the story because his/her language is a bit inconsistent.
I say his/her because I'm still unsure if the person is male or female. If its a male, this is far more humorous. :P
I really dig the story though. I'll read the next part as well!

Posted 10 Years Ago


Cierra

10 Years Ago

And yes, I do see that typo now.. Lol *bit
jjwilbourne

10 Years Ago

Ahh. I couldn't tell if the that was trying to point out that the aliens didn't know the different b.. read more
Cierra

10 Years Ago

Haha it's all good. Yeah, she's female. Lol
This is actually pretty interesting. I would continue reading! Good work

Posted 10 Years Ago


Cierra

10 Years Ago

Thank you! Second chapter is up as well, if you'd like to!
speckledbyrd

10 Years Ago

Will do thanks!
It looks like Stephanie did a bang up and thorough editing job. A good story line here. I assume you intend to flesh out the characters as we go along.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Cierra

10 Years Ago

That, she did!

Yes, I do plan to. You learn a little more about Arcubella in the secon.. read more
"Since the beginning, more and more keep appearing."
I would change the word 'keep' to 'kept' since you are going with past tense verbs throughout the beginning half of this chapter.

"speaking it's language towards the others"
It's is a contraction for the words 'it is'. In this use you would just need the word (its).

"By the sound of it's voice"
Same error as mentioned above with the word (its).

"Moving down a hall, I realized more symbols inscribed over the golden walls."
Realized is not the word you want to use in this sentence. Since she is seeing the symbols again I would use a word like 'spotted' or 'saw'.

"and they were Gods came to reclaim their lands?"
The word 'came' should be changed to 'who had come'.

"I didn't just his servant. I became his trophy."
You need the word 'become' between 'just' and 'his'.

I really like the concept of this story so far. It's unusual and different from other fantasy-like stories. You definitely got me intrigued.
You do need to be careful with your verb usage and floating between past and present tense. It's confusing for the reader when you use both tenses in one sentence, because then we have to decipher if you are referring to the past or right now in the present of the story. It makes for smoother reading when you just go with one or the other.
I think this could become a really good story if you continue to work at it so, please let me know if you post more! I hope I was of some help for you!

~Stefanie

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

SnakeEaterCorpo

10 Years Ago

I freaking loved it=) great writing keep it up. Awesome!
Cierra

10 Years Ago

Thanks you!
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Amazing chapter so far i can't wait to read more of this book keep up the great work and keep sending me more to read i love reading them

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Cierra

10 Years Ago

Thank you! I will do!
melissa

10 Years Ago

You're welcome
a clearly captivating story I enjoyed the read waiting for the next chapter

Posted 10 Years Ago


 wordman

10 Years Ago

your welcome
AndrewCT

10 Years Ago

Usually I don't do this, but you're a writer. "you're".
 wordman

10 Years Ago

you didn't finish

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Added on April 27, 2014
Last Updated on April 28, 2014
Tags: anubis, Gods, fantasy


Author

Cierra
Cierra

Fredericksburg, VA



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