Cruelty

This is about the cruelty I see in the world and how from my perspective of depression I see only a cruel world/

I have a way with words. A way to write them just as I think them and then manipulate and bend them until no one can fully understand my thoughts, as if to hide myself in fear of brokenness. Pain scares me. Pain is bound to me. My entire life has been pain on my account and on others too. I miss the days as a child when I didn’t have anything to worry about but how much entertainment that I could bring to myself. I now find no entertainment in life. Life seems dull and meaningless. Feeling alive and free doesn’t come so easily any more, as I have seen the ways and cruelty of the world and it is true fear in me that speaks as I tell you that this world is heartless.

The world will always remain cruel. There is not a true heart living on this earth, so we all strive to be the best we can be according to our standers and we believe that it is enough to grow above the cruelty.

There are those that bring the true cruelty to life and there are those that dull the pain. Then there are our specials, we understand that the world is not black and white; that there is a grey area in which many sit and look at the world and notice how people can very easily make it seem black and white.

She is grey. She has remained grey from the beginning. She looks at the world and understands it but she is not in it. She hates it here but the way she sees everything so clearly indulges her need to stay.

Repeatedly hurt and in pain, brokenness fills her. Life can’t remain unless she is being tossed around. Life is only what you make of it, they say, but she knows life is not what she makes it but life is what they make it. They being the world, the issues, society, everything and everyone that traps her inside herself and makes it difficult to breathe. How do you breathe when everyone is shoving you inside yourself and they won't let you create a hole or gap because then you might actually be able to escape the cruelty.

She sits and she dreams because her dreams are better than reality and then when reality seeps slowly into her dreams she cries herself to sleep because she knows life is cruel and there is now no escape because her reality became her dreams rather than her dreams a reality.