Collapsing Reality

10-27-04

The day consists of aimless wandering

Endless hours and countless questions

I observe all with sunken eyes

I speak from lifeless, color drained lips

Each step is a struggle. My feet are gravity bound

My stone heart is heavily weighing down my eyelids

All I want to do is sleep everyday

I won’t have to think, there’ll be nothing to deal with

The emptiness of my soul will no longer be felt

But even rest is not mine, nightmares have kept me away

My violent subconscious has revealed my fears

I’m afraid of commitment; I can’t let myself care too much

I need to avoid causing pain, I can’t stand receiving it

I won’t get too close, it always goes wrong

These saddening images will leave me no peace

I won’t blame the world, it’s mostly my fault

I push people away, won’t let them near

I thought I had no love but it was just hidden deep

Ironically I found it, that fact makes me sadder still

I don’t know how to change about my ways

I’m too fucked up to turn things around

My internal fights will never cease fire

My sanity is not replaceable; I try to accept my craziness

But I’m tired enough to be the walking dead

Consciousness eludes my grasp at random moments all day

Unexpected mental drains take moments from my life

Even when I’m actually here, Mind drifts away from Body

Even in a crowded room, I am unbelievably alone

In any place I go, I feel I don’t belong

Not wanting rejection, I won’t put myself out there

I’ve drawn into me, and I scare myself

I just want to sleep forever… It’s the only escape.