God Bothering

Just a little humour about a young man desperate to get laid.

So I said to God “I wanna have some fun.”

He said “Don't talk to me, boy, you've got the wrong one.”

“You need to talk to those pagan gods.

Those guys don't care what you do with your bods.”

I said “Is there a particular one that you'd recommend”

He said “You could try Pan, he's a pretty good friend.”

So I looked up the great god Pan,

Said “I hear you're good with the chicks, my man.”

He said “So what if I am? What's it to you?”

I said “Well, I was hoping you'd spare me a chick or two.”

He said “You know what, man? You're a bit of a creep.

What's mine is mine, and what's mine I keep.”

So I went back to God, my cap in my hand,

Said “So help me God, I don't understand.”

“Your good friend Pan, he just ain't sharing,

And I'll tell you straight, he sure ain't caring!”

“So if there's another pagan god that might help me out,

Please give me the name and I'll give him a shout.”

God thought and he thought, then he started to grin,

“You could try Cernunnos, he's well steeped in sin.”

He said “After all, he is the Horned God,

But you better watch out, he's an ornery old sod!”

So I hunted down the mighty Cernunnos,

Only to discover that he just didn't give a toss.

He said “Human lust is my bread and butter.

I'm not helping out some sex mad nutter.”

So I went back to God, said “Man, I don't think you're trying.”

He said “Of course I'm not, I just like watching sinners crying.”

I said “Good God, oh well, I'll be damned!”

He said “You got that right” and Hell's Gate slammed.

© 2017 The Iron Horseman

Author's Note

Just something to make you smile.

Reviews

[Onlyme]

This is excellent.Made me laugh out loud. Great roasting.

[The Iron Horseman]

Thanks, Dawn. I'm glad it gave you a laugh, that was its purpose! :)

[ca.shorty]

Damn that’s some sick roasts!! Lol I’m a Christian but it wasn’t really offensive it was funny. Good job! This’s could be a rap song some day.

[The Iron Horseman]

Thanks, Cole. When you record it, please send me a copy! :D

[ca.shorty]

Will do man will do.

[Poetic License]

I LITERALLY laughed out loud. Thank for that, my friend. I have certainly missed reading your work. Still chuckling. Next time send the dude to Hel.... I would love to hear what she would offer!

[The Iron Horseman]

Now there's an idea! I see you know your Norse legends, too. I'm glad it made you laugh; that is all it's supposed to do. It is really good to have you back, my friend.

[Taral]

This one of the funniest stuff i read today though I believe in only one God but i will give it to you for the sense of humor :)

[The Iron Horseman]

Thanks, Taral. The poem wouldn't have worked without the pagan gods! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing story shared in the poetry. Asking Devil and old Gods for help. Like peeing in the wind. Thank you my friend for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[The Iron Horseman]

Lol! Thank you, Coyote.
You know what they say about peeing into the wind?
You always get your own back! :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You are right and you are welcome.

[Nolo Segundo]

Congrats on your much deserved 1st in Donna's contest-- I really got a kick out of this- (and even though it's been a long, long time since I was a horny young man, I'd trade all the wisdom of age to go back again!)

[The Iron Horseman]

Thank you for your congrats and for this review, my friend.
Do you think the gods would be obliging if you went back? They do seem to have a twisted sense of humour! LOl.

[Nolo Segundo]

Oh I think the Big Guy has a sense of humor--he gave me a love of classical music and hands to span an octave, then made me tone deaf! Congrats on the recent win!

[The Iron Horseman]

Lol! How can you be tone deaf and still love classical? Sounds like an oxymoron to me!
Merry Christmas to you, my friend.

[Nolo Segundo]

By tone deaf I mean, when I tried learning the trumpet as a kid, my teacher told me to give it up! And may you and yours have a joyous Christmas.

[The Iron Horseman]

Did he have his hands over his ears at the time? Lol!
That must have been a salutary experience.

[Samuel Dickens]

And where were Venus, Aphrodite and Cupid in all of this? Taking the day off? Had better things to do? This clever and humorous tale might be a young fellow's worst dream. A great case for one to forgo permission and seek forgiveness afterwards.

[The Iron Horseman]

Lol! Yes, they were off partying! Hey, the list of possible gods and goddesses is so long I would have needed to right an epic to get them all in.
Thanks for taking the time to read this, Sam. I'm glad it made you laugh.

[Poetic License]

I am literally laughing so hard I snorted water! I LOVE IT!!!! You nailed those deities - all 3! to be sure! What fun. You are just the bestest in the westest...um, wait...northest.

[The Iron Horseman]

Glad it gave you a laugh. I wrote this one in the middle of the night. It just kinda popped into my head.

[Paul Bell]

I remember the days you could pray for anything.
Now you need to beg to get laid.
Though I must admit. When the gates of hell slam shut. It's ping pong my boy.

[The Iron Horseman]

Yes indeedy! Ping pong it is! :)

[apennylate]

ROFL... Yes... Than hells gate slammed... F*****g... This was the greatest thing I have read in a good while... Full on smiling here, mate... Laughing as well... Goddamn... Oops... Better just watch the sinner run...

[The Iron Horseman]

Lol! Thank you, my friend. Glad it gave you a good laugh.

[apennylate]

It very much did, thank you... And a pleasure