Chills

A poem about the nature of fear.

When you stare into the night,

And the night stares back,

And you draw in your breath,

And you wait for the attack.

But the attack doesn't come,

Although the darkness stirs,

A blacker shadow moves,

But its outline blurs.

A twig breaks in the surrounding trees,

A night creature coughs from the rocks behind,

Branches are rattled by the cool night breeze,

A night owl's screech brings dying to your mind.

The shadows shift,

As the moon begins to rise,

But the darkness closes in,

And something small screams as it dies.

Your heart beats faster,

And your sweat turns cold,

You are suddenly aware that darkness,

Is very, very old.

You spin on your heel,

You race for your home,

Knowing something is behind you,

And you are very, very alone.

As you rush into the clearing,

Flooded by Home's bright lights,

You know you made the right decision,

When you chose to run, rather than to fight.

Although you never saw it,

Be it man, or monster, or bear,

The fact you didn't see it,

Doesn't mean it wasn't there.

© 2017 The Iron Horseman

Reviews

[LazerRays]

Haha! I love this. I'm fidgeting in my seat with glee haha! Such great story... Don't you think so Pluto? (meow)
Pluto agrees too. And I think the ravens enjoyed this also. Hmmm. Thank you for entering my contest. And good luck.
Nemo me impune lacessit!!!

[The Iron Horseman]

Thank you, I think!
Who do you think is trying to provoke you?
I guess being buried alive would tend to produce paranoia! :)

[LazerRays]

Haha- do not fear. It is not you who will get my vengence... Yes- being buried has it's effects. But my ravens are here to comfort this list soul. And my loyal cat Pluto remains by my side. Even if he did betray Edgar...

[The Iron Horseman]

But humans just taste so good! :)

[LazerRays]

I am many things. Sadistic, psychotic, dark, evil and demonic. I do love blood. But I do not eat people. So maybe I'm a vampire... I'd fit the description...
Hates sun,
hates the light
nocturnal
evil
dresses in black
eats blood
spends free time in cemeteries...
Hmm. Probably am a vampire.

[The Iron Horseman]

Lol! Sure. Just keep your eyes open for Buffy!

[LazerRays]

*shudder* Buffy.... He'll never get me :)

[The Iron Horseman]

That would be 'She'll never get me.' :D

[LazerRays]

Lmao. That's right. I've never seen Buffy the vampire slayer before hahahaha. I forgot she was female.... Haha. Thanks for correcting me

[The Iron Horseman]

You're welcome. How can you have missed out on Buffy? :)

[LazerRays]

Wasn't my generation hahaha.

[The Iron Horseman]

Too old or too young?

[LazerRays]

I'm too young haha. I'm 15-I'm stuck with dumb teens with their noses stuck in their phones.

[The Iron Horseman]

Good luck with that! :D

[LazerRays]

thanks hahahaha

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Another clever and humour filled piece. Good description and it moves at a canter with excellent atmospheric conditions set. You do rhyming poetry well but I detected at least one forced rhyme and used 'raced' twice which dilutes the purity of the work.

[The Iron Horseman]

Thanks, John. I hadn't noticed the double 'race'. Where is the forced rhyme?

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Darkness being ''very old' appeared a loose connection?

[The Iron Horseman]

Darn, I really liked that! :)

[The Iron Horseman]

The 'race' thing is fixed!

[John Alexander McFadyen]

Yep I like that much better. The old darkness can work. It is a poet's licence to craft words as fits the style and meaning.

[The Iron Horseman]

Thanks for the input, John.

[Namyh]

IronHorseman - I liked the craft, the intent and flow of this eerie story overall, despite a few correctables. Now I'm kinda glad I brought the popcorn and came early for the movie "chills". Thanks for the share IH. Namyh

[The Iron Horseman]

Thank you. Glad you enjoyed the show!

[Poetic License]

Okay...I am going to admit I did a little happy dance, hand clappy thing! Finally, someone who gets it! DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR! (my mantra as I watch my much beloved horror flicks).

I absolutely love this work. The cadence is perfect, I was sorely tempted to race ahead, but didn't dare for fear that maybe there was a better clue to aid in a fight of flight decision. Your building of dark foretelling is superb.

The greatest part of this poem for me is the after effect. I could feel the safety and the "no one will believe this" but that doesn't mean it still didn't happen. That irrevocable knowledge of an encounter, an encounter with something unexplained. Gooseflesh everywhere!

Top notch. Can't wait to devour more of your work.

Oh - and the rhyme....you have a magical ability there. I am quite jealous of anyone who can work in rhyme and lyric. This was fantastic, the words never felt forced to fit - it was a natural flow and that made it all the more eerie, like reading from an ancient Grimoire when spells were rhymed naturally, diving from their source.

This is going in my favorites.

[The Iron Horseman]

Wow! I think that is absolutely the most heart-warming review I have ever read! Thank you so much for your kind words, Poetic License. I am looking forward to reading more of your work, too.

[Poetic License]

You are so welcome!

[5hade5layer]

Really great job with the description! It really feels like a movie, which is really hard esp for a poem.

However, a few thoughts:
I feel like there are a few too many "and"s; it ruin the flow for me. The story as a whole is very flowy and nice--I think just taking out some of the "and"s altogether would help a lot.
Also, your rhyme schemes are inconsistent, so I think on the subconscious level of the reader, it would tie together even more smoothly if you kept it as an abab scheme instead of a abcb type where the first and third line words don't rhyme.



Overall, very well written! I will be sure to check out your other works. Keep it up!

[The Iron Horseman]

Thanks, ShadeSlayer. The stacked 'ands in the first verse were a deliberate choice for emphasis. The rhyming scheme likewise, just to make a change! Your input is much appreciated.

[Joshua Cialis]

I both disagree and agree with the review above. I agree that the use of stacked 'and' is a little repetitive but I do understand your justification for this. However, I do very much like your inconsistent rhyme scheme; it keeps the reader guessing just like the speaker of the poem is building suspense...

[The Iron Horseman]

Thank you for your input.

[Paul Bell]

Four in the morning in the woods. You listen to yourself breathing. Every sound is amplified. I suppose it can scare the crap out of you. But then, city folks. It's when you hear of people getting lost for weeks.

[The Iron Horseman]

I live in the woods. I was lying in bed listening to the night noises when I wrote this! I actually like walking in the woods at night, but if you have a nervous disposition, well... :)