Pianist fingers

"I don't believe in love" I told him the first time I met him, lying naked next to him on his bed. "Why?" he asked.

"It's not real I guess. I just dont believe in this. But I want to get married though."

"I'ts not whether you want or not, do you see your self getting married? having kids, stopping every thing? giving up on being young? not having fun?" he looked at me. "I do. And you?"

"I dont see my self getting married."

Sometimes you meet very special people in your life, people with whom you want to apend your time with, people with whom you want to be friends. Sometimes you get a chance to meet people that would change your life. it's funny how I fell in love with the one man, to whom I told I dont believe in love. You can guess how that ended up.

Sometime in your life you fight for people, and they fight for you back, and sometimes they dont. My twenty two years and twelve days on planet earth tought me that sometimes no matter how hard you fight for someone- weather its your relationship or friendship, if the other side wont fight bac  this thing you have wont stand a chance.

I knew a boy once, actually he was my age and I wanted to be hes friend so badly I would search for his presence in the halls and the class rooms. But he never fought for me, so I gave up on him.

I got a dance with him but never the kiss.

When I think about my past and the people I once knew and lost I think about Noah. It was a casual sex partner I met through social network, but he was more then that. At that time, I was heart broken because of a diffrent boy, I just moved to a new city to my own apatrment and I felt lost, being alone at 19 with no connection to my family. He was the light of my tunnel. I got on that bus and when I entered his apartment I knew at that second exactly he was the love of my life. How his hair was massy, his eyes, big and green. He was so tall I had to look up, with long legs and that atitude he had. He was so beautiful, I couldnt help it but falling for him at the first second I met him.

He wasnt the first boy I slept with, but he was the first man I made love with. Its diffrent when you are in love.

He was my first at other things- the first one I smoked weed with and enjoyed drinking beer.

He lived in a quiet street with a view at the sky, and at night I always liked to look at the stars and that balcony were the perfect spot. And then he kissed me and he made me feel loved, the way he touched and laught. I really loved that man.

He playes with me a little, with the sex stuff, teasing and making me do evety thing he wanted blindly, tapping on the top of my head for my good behavior after he came in my mouth.

"You have such long fingers." I told him once. "mine are like small sausages." I laught.

"Yeah, I got long fingers."

"A pianist fingerst."

"I could be a hand model." he opened his palm in the air showing off his long pretty fingers,

"You should really do that."

He wanted no love with me and I always knew that. I was already fucked up so I havent told him about how I felt for him, no matter what happend, the marks I already had looked perfect with the marks he left on me at that time.

I had nightmares, for the whole time we hooked up and the whole time it took me to get over him. I used to travel to Tel Aviv almost every night because I wasnt able to sleep alone. Almost every night a new bed, new hope for love or a man who would treat me nice with respect. But it never came, and I learned you have to respect yourself before anybody else would.

Once I came to his place drunk and all up high on acid, so all that happend looked like a total dream. The way he touched me and the way he kissed. I remember his laugh while we were in the middle of sex, cursing and being a little violent. I still sometimes laugh while having sex, not because I think about him but because his habit became mine. 

"What are those marks on your hand?" he asked me once.

"Its nothing" I answerd.

"At first it's nothing but then it becomes serious. You dont play with this s**t, its stupid."

"Dont worry Noah, I know my limits. I wont kill my self or something."

"Just so you know, its stupid."

I am thankful for every thing Noah. I never told you how much I loved you and I dont think its that much of a big deal. 

Sometimes you get a chance or two to meet such people in your life, someone who might change your whole perspective about how you see the world and how you except love. Those people might stay in your memory your whole life of just for a few months.

"Do you have any tatoos?"

"yes, on my butt cheek."

"Why there?"

"So I wouldnt have to look at it all the time. I see it only when I go to the bathroom, that way 

I wont get tired of it."

I hoped once,

life could be just a tatoo on mt a*s,

that way I coudnt ever get tired of them.