Why Not Suicide?

It happened again. Sitting in the empty room of my mind. Its like I'm trapped. The cold seeps in through vents in the ceiling and walls. Nothing covers the walls. They are so empty. the room is fixed and small yet seems to stretch on forever. Standing I feel numb. The ground underneath my feet seems even colder than the crisp air. Staring off into the darkness. 

Suddenly I am on my knees gasping for life. Pain crosses my chest like a violent storm. Looking down my chest seems like glass that is cracking under the pressure of a great ocean. I try to scream but my voice is lost in the endless void of the room. The sound never reaches the walls. 

Laying flat on my face spewing my soul all over the cold tile I lay there. I don't move, not even breath, I just lay there. If i don't do anything. If i don't move, breath, or even think, then the pain becomes bearable. But the void is building again. Like a hungry monster that wants to consume me, it stalks. i could try to hide or run but it wouldn't work. The moment i move the pain hits. So here i sit at home in the dark holding a knife. 

Blood soaks that knife as I carve it though the skin of my arm. The body seems so attacked. It seems to be a strange infatuation i have with harming it. Something about the destruction gives me pleasure. There is another I wish to cut, but I guess I hate myself just as much so I guess I will have to do. 

As if i could control all my hatred I concentrate it into my arm and cut away at it. It stings, but it feels good. It feels good to have the pain for its the pain i want the object of my hatred to feel. Somehow I wish i could transfer that pain.

I dig faster and faster and the blood starts to flow now. It drips on the floor. soon i'll have to clean that up. But what if i just ended it this time. Just like when I stood at the top of a 4 story high ledge. It would be so easy. 

You can see the people down below when your up that high. You find yourself wondering what the people would do when they see a body falling from the sky only to land with a painful squish at the bottom. What would a body even look like after falling like that? A slight image of the Road Runner from Loony toons is brought to mind. 

A slight laugh escapes my lips as I smile. Tears now fall down onto the bleeding wound which is now fairly deep. Its so strange to feel this fleeting joy when your in so much pain. But somehow the pain isn't really whats hard to deal with. Its when I stop and the distraction isn't there anymore that it really hurts. Even when your hurting yourself you don't feel as alone. The knife isn't really hurting you, its comforting you. Its like keeping you alive when you so desperately wish to be dead. Getting up through the tears and the blood I am for some reason able to make it all the way to my feet without the crashing weight of the ocean to pull me down. Now I feel.....nothing. Zombie like. 

And now in this new trance its like i'm dreaming. I know where to go but i don't know why. I make it again to that ledge. I do look down and see individuals going about their business. I can see others on the same ledge as me but none getting their legs over the railing. Somewhere in the dark and distant land of reality I can hear one of them scream as I take my step off the edge. For a moment it feels as if I am floating, then zero gravity. The free fall is so reliving. The weight has been lifted off me entirely as i soar toward the floor. I turn upside down. I want to die looking up at the sky. I don't want to see it when I hit the ground when my head finally.........

Darkness surrounds me. I am finally dead. 

Author's Note

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